“..and really, officer…how could you press charges on this?”
Let me explain.
When my dog died last year, we went out and got ourselves a new dog.
When that dog didn’t work out, we got two more until we FINALLY found one that fit.
Sometimes, you have to commit a few animals to death before you find one you can live with.
It’s like the whole “making omelets/breaking eggs thing” but it involves kill shelters.
I’m totally putting that on a billboard.
Magical.
Regardless, we ended up with Sophie.
Sophie.
Eats.
EVERYTHING.
Blankets, cushions, chairs, toys, remote controls, tissues…
It’s almost easier to list shit that she HASN’T tried to eat.
Let’s try that.
Here’s a complete list of things Sophie HASN’T eaten:
1) Tokyo.
I think that’s pretty much it.
The problem is that we’ve tried to discipline her and teach her NOT to eat things.
Here’s how that goes:
1) Walk into house
2) See this:
OH WHAT THE FUCK.
It’s at this point we do something like this:
“SOPHIE!! BAD GIRL!! BAD. GIRL!!”
At which point, Sophie does…
THIS:
“SOPHIE YOU’Re a bad..awww…oh who’s my girl? Are you my girl? Yes you are! Yes you are!”
Hey.
Wait.
What the fuck just happened?
You immediately start to yell at her and *PLOP* down she goes all cute and shit.
There is no defense.
3) Go into a different room
4) See THIS:
OHMYGOD SONOFABITCH.
“SO-PHIIIEEE! SOPHIE YOU ARE A BAD, BAD...”
Shit.
“THAT’S A BAD BAD Girl awwww who’s daddy’s cutie? Is it you? Yes it is. Yes it is. I got your belly.”
I don’t even know who I am any more.
5) From the kitchen…
Wife: “OH, SOPHIE!”
We should have just kept the hamsters.
“SOPHIE?!? REALLY?!? WHY CAN’T WE JUST LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR…“
“..JUST an hour or…oh..oh look how CUTE you are! Who’s daddy’s girl? YOU ARE! Yes you are..I’m gonna get that belly! Yes I am! Yes I am!”
* blink
If Al Qaeda ever figures out how to do this WE’RE FUCKED.
Hm.
Maybe we should keep this under wraps.
National security and all.
Mental Poo 