Archive for the ‘work’ Category

>As you may or may not know, my longtime friend, cube-mate, and all-around general person who grosses me the Hell out on a constant basis, Kristin, moved out of my cube at work to a different floor.

Subsequently, once in a while, I’ll get Instant Messages from her asking a question.

Sadly, none of them are, like, “We banging today?”


Regardless, Kristin will IM me with valid, serious questions about work.

And THIS, folks…is why my gravestone will simply say:

Here you go:

This probably explains why we’re not banging.

What an asshole.

The place I work (HAHAHAHAHAHA) sometimes teaches classes about the products we sell to our customers.

I’m thinking I should probably take one of those courses because I don’t have a goddamn clue what I’m supposed to be doing here.


So I walk into the lobby the other day and am greeted with this on the front desk monitor:

(click to enlarge all images)

“Welcome, Koc University!”


I could have gone to SCHOOL FOR THIS?!

So of course I go take a picture of the monitor and then say “hi” to my boss on the way up the stairs to start writing this post because if you weren’t paying attention I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MY JOB IS.

Of course I Google “Koc University” and it turns out that IT’S REAL:

So I start poking around (Koc joke) the site and find crap like this:

Then I see Dan coming into work and OOH HE HAS HIS TOOTH IN! and I’m like, “Dude..look” and point the sign out to him and we laugh and then start this conversation which I’m diagramming because it’s funnier:

Then I find Koc University on Wikipedia and it states:

“Koc University also has very active exchange programs.”


I’ve been thinking of swapping my Koc out for a bigger model anyway.

I hope they accept my transcripts.

>FU, Facilities

Posted: March 25, 2011 in I'm an asshole, work

>In the men’s locker room here at work, this sign is posted on the mirror:

And this is how you know that, as a member of the “Facilities” group, that no one respects you even a tiny little bit:



I especially like the gaul of the asshole who put his SHOES on the counter just to be, like, “You know what, facilities? I know shoes are filthy and supposed to go on the floor and would literally take up 6 inches of space but you are not the boss of me and I will NOT BOW TO THE ESTABLISHMENT!”

* spits

Personally, I don’t do this.

I have a locker. That I put a lock on.

We’re not supposed to have that, either.

FU, Facilities.

>I came across another photo that I took when I was coming up with ideas for posts but then never got around to actually writing them so, you know, enjoy.

This one was for a Halloween Party we had at work.

I have to be honest with you, I’m pretty antisocial when it comes to ‘people’ and ‘being nice and courteous’ but our workplace throws a kickass Halloween Party so who am I to deny myself free pizza even if it involves being near others.

But what topped off this year’s party were promotion posters for it in the building that showed THIS:


Is this supposed to be an ‘after hours’ thing?

So of course, like, 2 minutes after the posters go up I get an IM from my friend Kristin going, “I don’t know what kind of party this is going to be, but I’M GOING.”

I’m not sure how you DON’T go see a bulldog banging a miniature horse. I don’t care WHO you are.

This is ‘bucket list’ shit right here, my friends.

Then we’re at the party and I hear someone say, “There’s a horse outside,” and Kristin and I make a beeline for the door yelling OHMYGOD THERE’S A DOG HAVING SEX WITH A TINY HORSE OUTSIDE!” or maybe more like, “Let’s go see the pony” but I forget which.

Much to our dismay there was NO dog/pony shenanigans going on AND they wouldn’t let me ride the pony even though half the ‘kids’ there were bigger than me.


Maybe next Halloween.

>This year in the Northeast US we’re getting belted with tons and tons of snow and if you think I’m kidding, look at this statistic from the National Weather Service:

Regardless, here in New Hampshire and Massachusetts we’ve gotten FIFTY INCHES OF SNOW in 30 days which is okay with me because where I work a lot of people commute literally 60 miles except for me who commutes, like, 7.

This means a lot of people ‘work from home’ which means ‘fuck off and play XBox or watch porn or both if time allows.’

At least for me.

But one morning after a storm I decided that I didn’t want to finish the next level of Borderlands so I went into work.

Well that was a stupid idea.

On a related note, I always find it humorous to see laborers shoveling and plowing two feet of snow because they’re all Mexicans for some reason and you just have to know they’re thinking:

“Sonofabitch. I picked the wrong border to cross.”

So I get in and send my entire group the picture along with this email:

The only reply I got was from missing-tooth Dan.

If you’re surprised Dan is missing a tooth then you are completely unfamiliar with New Hampshire and it’s peoples.

Dan didn’t reply but about an hour or so later my boss showed up so there goes my plan of heading home early.

So I wrote this post instead.

I guess it’s a good thing I came to work then. Because I wouldn’t have had the time to write this if I was home masturbating and playing XBox.

I mean, ‘working from home.’


Since no one anywhere in the United States seems to be talking about all this snow, I figured I’d give you an idea of what it looks like up here in Southern New Hampshire.

This is a parking lot of a local mall where the guys plowing have just decided, instead, to make Mount Everest. And, yes, there is actually a FLAG on the top of this thing which is roughly 50 feet high:

Also, this is what it looks like in my apartment’s parking lot if you don’t bother to clean off your cars EVER:

Those are not monster trucks.

To give you an idea of how much snow is actually on that car, you can see the side-view mirror sticking out the side of the one closest.

Also, my neighbor really is an asshole.