Archive for the ‘polls’ Category


You know…

…sometimes I look at my own post titles and just shake my head.

Other times, I just shake my head without looking at the titles.

Stupid lice.

And, no – this isn’t another Ripped from the Headlines post.

Although, holy fuckshit…

….wouldn’t that be the coolest friggin’ headline ever?

***********************

New York Times:

Angela Lansbury Beats Naked Pooing Lady

***********************

(click to enlarge…that’s what she said)
:


YouTube servers would be shitting the bed left and right serving up that video.

Mostly to my computer, but whatever.

I’ve digressed.

The results of my latest poll are in!

Here was the question:

What’s the Weirdest Search my Site Comes Up In?

94 of you voted.

Yes – 94.

This is BY FAR the most popular poll I’ve ever had.

This includes all the times I’ve said, “Yo..who wants my number?” to any chick within earshot.

To my wife, the one who actually TOOK my number after that, I say this:

SUCKA!

Don’t worry, everyone. She won’t think that’s harsh.

She knows she made a mistake.


Now, let’s look at the results.

Sixth Place (tie): Whack Poo and Whack My Wife

Um…

Someone’s whacking poo?

Who the fuck is whacking poo?

Actually, who would WANT to whack poo?

I’m guessing it would splatter all over the fucking place unless you had just eaten bananas and they were the hard marble-type poop balls (click here for the full story of the smiley face poo in my page header at the top right of this page).


Are you trying to learn HOW to whack poo? Like, some kind of poo-whacking instruction booklet or some shit?

Mother of God, man.

Why?!

I’m guessing that after ‘Whack Poo’ and ‘Whack My Wife’ came this inevitable search:

Whack my wife with poo.

And, really…

…who hasn’t thought about that at least once.


Fourth Place: Giant Vaginas

Dude.

If you’re searching for giant vaginas, I can promise you that you’ve come to the wrong fucking place.

Small penises?

Absolutely.

Giant vaginas, though?

I don’t see any.

Trust me, I’ve been looking.

Although any vagina feels gigantic to me.

Stupid small junk.


Third Place: Granny Boobs

Mental Poo: You’re source for old ladies’ titty bags since 2009.

I’m totally making that into a shirt.

Second Place: I want pics of a lady who is doing her poo poo and isnt wearing any bra or panty

Um…

This came in SECOND place?!

Second?

Really?

You people are fucked.

But not nearly as fucked as the guy looking for pictures of a naked chick taking a shit.

Which he’ll never, ever find.

Because women don’t poo.

Don’t take that away from me.

Please.


And the winner….

By a single vote…

First Place: Angela Lansbury

Forgive him, Lord, he knows now what he do.

Does.

Whatever.

The poor, poor bastard.

I don’t have the slightest fucking clue how someone searched for ‘Angela Lansbury’ and this site came up.

But I can tell you this:

That person. Will never. Be the same.


Grandpa: “What was that nice lady’s name who did all the plays…and was on ‘Murder She Wrote?'”

Grandma: “Angela…Lansbury. Angela Lansbury, I think.”

Grandpa: “Let me Google it.”

* click

It’s at this point that Mental Poo appears in all it’s hideous glory.

Grandpa is greeted with shit like:

Ugly Penis Chickens.

Pinky Tuscadero vulva references.

Grabby Bungholes.

Fucking ay, that’s right.

Instant. Coronary.

Grandpa: “MA! You gotta see this! I Googled ‘Angela Lansbury’ and you know what came up?”

Grandma: “What? What came up?”

Grandpa: “That same site that came up before when I Googled ‘Whack my Wife’s Granny Boobs with Poo.'”

Well, I guess we’ve answered at least one of the above questions.

Yep.

Grandpa is one sick fuck.

Even sicker than you guys.

If you can believe that shit.

Moog out.

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You know…

…sometimes I look at my own post titles and just shake my head.

Other times, I just shake my head without looking at the titles.

Stupid lice.

And, no – this isn’t another Ripped from the Headlines post.

Although, holy fuckshit…

….wouldn’t that be the coolest friggin’ headline ever?

***********************

New York Times:

Angela Lansbury Beats Naked Pooing Lady

***********************

(click to enlarge…that’s what she said)
:


YouTube servers would be shitting the bed left and right serving up that video.

Mostly to my computer, but whatever.

I’ve digressed.

The results of my latest poll are in!

Here was the question:

What’s the Weirdest Search my Site Comes Up In?

94 of you voted.

Yes – 94.

This is BY FAR the most popular poll I’ve ever had.

This includes all the times I’ve said, “Yo..who wants my number?” to any chick within earshot.

To my wife, the one who actually TOOK my number after that, I say this:

SUCKA!

Don’t worry, everyone. She won’t think that’s harsh.

She knows she made a mistake.


Now, let’s look at the results.

Sixth Place (tie): Whack Poo and Whack My Wife

Um…

Someone’s whacking poo?

Who the fuck is whacking poo?

Actually, who would WANT to whack poo?

I’m guessing it would splatter all over the fucking place unless you had just eaten bananas and they were the hard marble-type poop balls (click here for the full story of the smiley face poo in my page header at the top right of this page).


Are you trying to learn HOW to whack poo? Like, some kind of poo-whacking instruction booklet or some shit?

Mother of God, man.

Why?!

I’m guessing that after ‘Whack Poo’ and ‘Whack My Wife’ came this inevitable search:

Whack my wife with poo.

And, really…

…who hasn’t thought about that at least once.


Fourth Place: Giant Vaginas

Dude.

If you’re searching for giant vaginas, I can promise you that you’ve come to the wrong fucking place.

Small penises?

Absolutely.

Giant vaginas, though?

I don’t see any.

Trust me, I’ve been looking.

Although any vagina feels gigantic to me.

Stupid small junk.


Third Place: Granny Boobs

Mental Poo: You’re source for old ladies’ titty bags since 2009.

I’m totally making that into a shirt.

Second Place: I want pics of a lady who is doing her poo poo and isnt wearing any bra or panty

Um…

This came in SECOND place?!

Second?

Really?

You people are fucked.

But not nearly as fucked as the guy looking for pictures of a naked chick taking a shit.

Which he’ll never, ever find.

Because women don’t poo.

Don’t take that away from me.

Please.


And the winner….

By a single vote…

First Place: Angela Lansbury

Forgive him, Lord, he knows now what he do.

Does.

Whatever.

The poor, poor bastard.

I don’t have the slightest fucking clue how someone searched for ‘Angela Lansbury’ and this site came up.

But I can tell you this:

That person. Will never. Be the same.


Grandpa: “What was that nice lady’s name who did all the plays…and was on ‘Murder She Wrote?'”

Grandma: “Angela…Lansbury. Angela Lansbury, I think.”

Grandpa: “Let me Google it.”

* click

It’s at this point that Mental Poo appears in all it’s hideous glory.

Grandpa is greeted with shit like:

Ugly Penis Chickens.

Pinky Tuscadero vulva references.

Grabby Bungholes.

Fucking ay, that’s right.

Instant. Coronary.

Grandpa: “MA! You gotta see this! I Googled ‘Angela Lansbury’ and you know what came up?”

Grandma: “What? What came up?”

Grandpa: “That same site that came up before when I Googled ‘Whack my Wife’s Granny Boobs with Poo.'”

Well, I guess we’ve answered at least one of the above questions.

Yep.

Grandpa is one sick fuck.

Even sicker than you guys.

If you can believe that shit.

Moog out.


I’m ashamed.

Not only because I’m the fastest lay in the land (*KAPOW! PING!), but for the fact that – apparently – you people don’t know how to vote.

Before the holiday break, I put up a poll to keep you busy.

(that’s what she said)

The poll was to vote for the weirdest search term that this site comes up in.

50 of you voted.

The rest were, apparently, spinning Dreidels and eating ham.

(probably not the same people doing both)

Hope you had fun with that.


Here are the results.

Question: What’s the most disturbing search term my site shows up in?

Fifth Place (4 votes): Ass Clowns

I don’t know what an ‘ass clown’ is or why anyone would want to search for one.

Worst. Birthday Party. Ever.


Fourth Place (tie – each with 5 votes):

– Sex Sucking Monkey

– Tied Pregnant Filled Water Tube

Um…

Sex Sucking Monkey?

I’m not sure if someone was searching for sex with a monkey who sucks…

…or searching for a monkey to suck while having sex.

Either way, my search came up empty.

Perhaps I’ve said too much.


Tied Pregnant Filled Water Tube?

Sit down, waterboarding! There’s a new torture technique in town!

I miss John McCain.

Third Place (7 votes): Alton Brown Sex Story

I know how this got here:

Fuck Alton Brown.

Asshole.

In fact, fuck Alton Brown’s asshole.

THERE. THERE’S A SEARCH I CAN LIVE WITH.

My sphincter is still bleeding from the raw turkey recipe you gave me.

Here’s to you getting the same result…different method.


Second Place (8 votes): Whack the Men and Poo on Him

Hello?

SECOND PLACE?!

Jesus H. Christ.

Call me old fashioned, but I like my whacking without all the shitting on me.

And vice versa.

Never mix the two – you’re just asking for a nasty, nasty clean up.

Unless we’re talking about Alton Brown.

By all means…whack and poo away.

First Place (21 votes): Monkey Penis Sex Girl

If this isn’t the name of a rock band yet, there’s something wrong with this world.

I Googled this myself to see what came up in images.

Here’s the #1 image:


Um.

Wha..?

I’m sure whoever searched for that term certainly didn’t want to see a bunch of Asians attending to a sheet-covered person.

Seriously.

If there’s a monkey under there having sex with a girl using his penis, we should really pull that fucking sheet off.

Like the Kinks said: “Give the People What They Want.”

Unless it’s an Alton Brown sex story.

No one should have to watch that shit.


I’ve got nothin’ today.

Storm’s a’comin.

I live in New Hampshire and we’re expecting 8 to 12 inches today.

That’s what she said.

Actually, the only way a woman would get 8 to 12 inches from me is if I somehow pulled a “Grinch”

“…and they say that his penis grew 3 sizes that day…”

LOOK OUT, LADIES!

Nope. Nothin’.

Except that I just went downstairs to the cafeteria at work and saw some guy walking around int a Santa hat.

Is it just me, or does seeing a person in a Santa hat make you want to punch them in the fucking throat?

Jolly asshole shitfuck.

Let’s see how merry you are after choking on your own blood.

Other than that, I got nothing.

However – I’ve posted a new “What’s the most disturbing search term” poll up there on the left.

I’ll be on vacation for about two weeks starting next Tuesday, so the poll will be up there for a while.

Don’t worry…don’t worry…

You’ll get two new posts next week before I bail.

But don’t expect the posts to be anywhere near 8 to 12 inches long.

I’m not that excited.

Moog out.


I’ve got nothin’ today.

Storm’s a’comin.

I live in New Hampshire and we’re expecting 8 to 12 inches today.

That’s what she said.

Actually, the only way a woman would get 8 to 12 inches from me is if I somehow pulled a “Grinch”

“…and they say that his penis grew 3 sizes that day…”

LOOK OUT, LADIES!

Nope. Nothin’.

Except that I just went downstairs to the cafeteria at work and saw some guy walking around int a Santa hat.

Is it just me, or does seeing a person in a Santa hat make you want to punch them in the fucking throat?

Jolly asshole shitfuck.

Let’s see how merry you are after choking on your own blood.

Other than that, I got nothing.

However – I’ve posted a new “What’s the most disturbing search term” poll up there on the left.

I’ll be on vacation for about two weeks starting next Tuesday, so the poll will be up there for a while.

Don’t worry…don’t worry…

You’ll get two new posts next week before I bail.

But don’t expect the posts to be anywhere near 8 to 12 inches long.

I’m not that excited.

Moog out.