Archive for the ‘holidays’ Category

>Cupid in da Hood

Posted: February 18, 2011 in holidays, sad teaching stories, wife

>Even though I’m divorced, my ex-wife and I are still friends which is good because this means that she still sends me crap that she gets from students and their parents at the inner-city school where she teaches.

It’s all about the blog, people.

This Valentine’s Day was no different.

This is the first picture/text message I get on Monday from her:

“Well. First time for one of these as a Valentine’s Day gift”


NICE.

This is one of those cellophane-wrapped fruit trays you get at the grocery store when you don’t have much money but know you’re supposed to give your kids fruit at some point this month and child-protective services keeps telling you that “gum is not a fruit even if it IS watermelon flavored.”

Granted. It was a nice gesture from someone who didn’t have to get my ex-wife anything…

…but it’s funny to see what they come up with.

Then, I get this:

“Look what one of my kids used as envelopes to put her valentines in.”


Kid at school: “Here you go! Happy Valentine’s Day!!”

Mom at home: “Has anyone seen my court summons?”

Awesome.

The kid needed envelopes so, VOILA! Pretty envelopes that are even a romantic color!

Well, they DO say necessity is the mother of invention.

Hopefully the parent can invent a way to get out of going to jail for not paying these fines.

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>Ever have one of those moments where you’re, like, “What the Hell am I going to write my blog about today?” and your boss is all, “Rod, you know we’re in a meeting and you just said that out loud, right?”

Yeah. Me too.

So I came across some shit that I was SUPPOSED to write about but never got around to it so now you get it all in concatenated form and if you don’t know what “concatenated” means then I guess that makes two of us.

This episode:

It’s Less “Blokus” and More “Blow-Us”

So my kids got this game named “Blokus” for Christmas which reminds me of the word “blumpkin” but that would make a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE GIFT FOR CHILDREN.*

*Public Service Announcement

But even though it’s not oral sex while seated on a toilet, Blokus is still kind of cool because it’s like Tetris but without hints of Communism or that stupid song.

They give you all these colored pieces in different shapes that you’re supposed to put together and the one with the least pieces left over wins.

So when you’re playing, it’s supposed to look something like this:


Unless I own it and have, like, 20 minutes free time on my hands.

At which point, you get this:


And, yes, I literally sat there for a while trying to find the best combination of pieces for the best result of what it would look like if Pong had a threesome and somewhere in there is a drinking game.

And therapy.

And a lawsuit by Mattel, I’m sure.

>
Yes. It’s the end of the world.

Well. By ‘world’ I mean ‘year.’

I was going to do my ‘year-end retrospective’ but I’m kind of tired and I don’t think you’d appreciate it so instead I’m going to give you my TOP 11 POSTS OF THE YEAR because what better way to tell you what the Hell happened better than to make you jump all over the place to figure it out.

Also I picked ’11’ since, you know, it’s going to be 2011 and all and that’s the best you’re going to get from me in regards to depth right now.

Just roll with it, people.

You can click on the page link or the picture to be taken to the post.

(I’m going by page visits as well as comment counts here, in case you were wondering)

#11: The Time I Tried to Kill Someone In My Apartment Building

My newspaper kept disappearing after I moved into this apartment so I figured I’d try to find ways to catch the thief and..well..

HERE YOU GO.

#10: A Motivational Poster…REALLY?!

I kind of find this one hard to figure out but stats don’t lie so here is the #10 top post of 2010:

#9: How One Man’s Facial Hair Changed History

I have to tell you..this is one of my personal all-time favorites.

#8: My First “Family Circus” Skewing

So I got sick of not laughing at “Family Circus” and decided to make my own captions.

This is the first post of many of those.

#7: And Then I Held a Pair of Fake Sunglasses Hostage at Work.

Since nothing funny was going on, I decided to invent my own as soon as I saw the note in the locker room about the missing sunglasses.

The rest, they say, is history.

#6: If you’ve never ever read one of Kristin’s stories..this may not be the best place to start.

I got 90 comments on this one in a 6 hour period.

I can’t believe I just said that word.

#5: My Take on Holiday Cards…from Divorced People

Since I was sick of all those shmoopy family cards, I wondered what it would be like if they made cards for divorced people.

Voila.

#4: The One About Ruben Studdard Ninja Spiders

I can’t even explain this one.

#3: My Job Moonlighting as “Dish Dolly R Us, Inc”

Sometimes, my innate ability to be a complete asshole for no reason other than to amuse myself completely amazes me.

This is one of those times.

#2: The Hulk Reads Notes to a Teacher – Episode #1

I debut my popular, yet controversial, “Hulk Reads Notes to a Teacher” video series because when my ex-wife would show me notes written to her from her kids’ parents, all I could think of was the Hulk reading them.

You kind of have to watch it.

..and now…

..the NUMBER ONE POST of 2010…

#1: The Moooooog Family Holiday Letter

As of the date I wrote this (12/27/10), this one post had over 14,300 page views in just ELEVEN DAYS..making it – by far – the most popular post I ever had.

Also, fittingly, it’s a ‘year in review’ letter about me..so, kind of a good wrap-up.

I was going to include a full picture of the letter, but it was too long (twss) so just click here and it will load right up for you.

**********************
Honorable Mentions:

The Time I Went to a Gay Bar: That’s all I’m gonna say about this one.

Anti-Semitic Sudoku: The tale of a boy, his newspaper puzzle, and a German dictator.

Pornographic Astrology and Breakfast Sandwiches: I take the Jimmy Dean sausage spokesman down to an entirely different level.

How to Properly Court a Ceiling Crevice: This is what happens when building damage resembles female genitalia to me.

The Racist Diorama: Don’t worry..it’s not as bad as you think. Kinda cute, actually.

Ms Sharon Wilfred Wants my Love Shafd – Part Two: Why part two of this spam email post got twice as many hits as part one is still a mystery. Must be my awesome sword picture.

Whammy Bar: My son takes ‘playing with yourself’ to a whole new level.

Hamster Pink is the New Hamster Black: I get a divorce and a new apartment and a hamster and please kill me.

Tortoise Embryos and Robot Anal Probes: aaaah…kindergarten projects.

I Hate My Teenagers and the Oldest One is Only 9: A heartwarming tale about how I almost caused my parents divorce by going to the video store.

Collect them all!

******************

I’ve had a ton of great comments this year and a lot of new visitors, followers.

Don’t forget you can click on my sidebar over there and subscribe to my blog feed or follow me on Twitter or friend me on Facebook or mailto:midgetmanofsteel@yahoo.com because I’m always accepting topless photos, ladies.

Have a safe and happy New Year, everyone.

Moog out.

>So hot on the heels of my “Divorced Person Holiday Cards,” someone commented that at least I didn’t do or get those stupid holiday letters where people write about what bullshit they and their family did over the past year.

You don’t have to ask me twice, people.

Enjoy.


Yep.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Unless you’re Jewish. Then it just looks like a regular Friday.

>
Normally at this time of year you start getting all those stupid frigging Christmas cards from people you barely remember or wish you’d forget and – OH GOODIE – the included several picture of their kids like I could actually give a shit what their kids looked like.

When I was married we were guilty of this shit, too.

Not the ‘including pictures of my kids in the card,’ thing – because, you know, we weren’t losers.

But this year I’m divorced so I won’t be sending out Christmas Cards but then I started thinking..

..what DO divorced people send out?

..and then I got tired of making them because this couch isn’t going to sit on itself while I eat ice cream, holding pictures of my children and sobbing uncontrollably.

At least I have my hamster to keep me company.

Oh good God this blows.