Archive for the ‘action/adventure’ Category

Today I’m reviewing:

Terminator: Salvation


We’re gonna keep this one really short today for two reasons:

1) I’m working

2) I have to poop

I guess I could have combined those two since I really put a lot of effort into my shits.

Whatever.


I got a chance to break away this weekend and see Terminator: Salvation.

I was pretty bummed out after seeing rottentomatoes.com reviews of it…which pretty much said it sucked more ass than Ellen Degeneres trying to save Portia De Rossi from a runaway anal hamster.

Wow.

I’ll be dreaming of that shit tonight.

Hooray for me!


Regardless, I went to see it anyway because I had a free pass to the movies.

Hint: If you complain about ANYTHING at the movies, they give you free passes.

Noisy fat assfuck with his hat on fucking sideways in the front row?

Free pass.

No sound for 3.4 seconds of the previews?

Free pass.

Popcorn too salty?

Listen…I know I was the one putting the salt on the popcorn but, seriously, you don’t have ANY warning labels about the speed of the pour on the shakers.

Free pass.

You’re welcome.

I’ve digressed.

Here is my synopsis in a nutshell:

If you are a fan of the Terminator series (and I am one of them), you will like this movie.

There are tie-ins to every single other movie – some subtle, some not so subtle, and some you go HOLY FUCKSHIT that was cool!

Guy yelling “Holy Fuckshit that was cool!” in the movie?

Free pass.

Doesn’t matter that it was me.

Regardless, since Christian Bale actually stars in about 5 minutes of the fucking movie, don’t ignore it just because you can’t fucking stand him.

He’s almost a non-character.

HOWEVER…

If you know very little or nothing about the Terminator series, this is NOT the place to learn.

You’ll be lost and it will just look like a movie with lots of robots and fighting and shit.

Which is still fucking cool but since you didn’t see the other Terminators you fucking loser you’re gonna be lost.

Then you can complain that the movie was confusing.

Free pass.

I have to give this one two scores:

My Score for Fans of the Terminator series:

3 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


My Score for newbies (i.e., losers – seriously…Terminator? What the fuck is wrong with you not knowing fucking TERMINATOR?!):

1-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Don’t like my two scores?

Free pass.

Seriously. Try this shit.

You’re welcome again.

Moog out.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we’ll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven’t had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

***********************

Today I’m reviewing the movie:

Night at the Museum 2 – Battle of the Smithsonian


Ugh.

Let’s cut to the chase on this one, shall we?

Is the movie good?

No.

No it’s not.

Is the movie funny?

The movie has, maybe, two funny parts in it.

Both of which involve a squirrel.

Ironically, my favorite porn movie also has a squirrel in it.

Perhaps I’ve said too much.

Is it funnier than the first movie?

Fuck no.

If you didn’t think the first movie was even a little good/funny…you will friggin’ hate the shit out of this one.

Yes. You will hate the shit out of it.

I’m coining that phrase.


Will the kids like it?

My son, who turns 6 in July, was bored out of his mind until the last 20 minutes of the movie when the actual “Battle of the Smithsonian” takes place.

Come to think of it, so was I.

So, no.

Unless your kids enjoy being bored for an hour and a half, they probably won’t like it.

They will SAY they like it after it’s over because, well, kids are stupid.

Is there ANYTHING to like in the movie?

Actually, yes.

There are three things that I found enjoyable:

1) Amy Adams wears tight pants

Amy Adams plays Amelia Earhart in this movie.

Throughout the movie, she wears skin-tight pants.

This is a good thing.


2) Bill Hader is in it

If you’ve seen ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’

(and if you HAVEN’T seen ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’ then seriously what the fuck is wrong with you?!)

…or Superbad, then you know who Bill Hader is.

(see my latest review of Forgetting Sarah Marshall here)

He’s awesome.

Here, he plays General Custer, and has some decent dialog – especially when he’s trying to say Sacajawea’s name.

3) It ends

Thankfully, this movie ends and you get to leave the theater.

My Score

1-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Excuse me…

I have to Google some pictures of Amelia Earhart to see what SHE’D look like in tight pants.

* 2 minutes later

Not good.

Not good at all.

Moog out.

**********************

Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we’ll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven’t had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

***********************

Today I’m reviewing a movie off my Netflix list:

Quantum of Solace


Listen, I’m not a huge James Bond fan.

I’m also not gay.

However, I’ve seen both Daniel Craig versions and I have to say this:

Sometimes, I look into his dreamy blue eyes and chiseled body and want to be a Bond Girl.

I wish that last sentence never left my fingertips.

Did I mention I’m not gay?


I also mentioned I’m not a James Bond fan.

However, I kinda liked ‘Casino Royale,’ even though my knowledge of poker extends to these two things:

1) You use cards
2) You must use only your feet unless you’re the goalie

One of those may be wrong.


So, with me kinda liking ‘Casino Royale,’ I decided to rent ‘Quantum of Solace.’

How was it?

Three minutes into the movie and I was completely fucking lost.

You know, I should have figured this shit would be over my head when the name of the movie sounds like the title of Stephen Hawking’s thesis.


However, there was enough jumping and chasing and shit for me to keep going:

“Oooh. Cool jumping.”

…and…

“Oooh. Cool chasing and shit.”

There was some plot that involved some weird looking bad guy, and Bond trying to get revenge for the death of the chick I forgot who died in Casino Royale, and something about water in the desert and…

..hold on…

…more jumping.

Cool.

Okay. I’m back.

As far as the ‘Bond Girl‘ in this one?

OH. MY. GOD.

Here she is:


Whoops.

Wrong picture.

Here she is:


Holy fuckshit, Batman.

Now I KNOW I’m not gay.

Mostly.

Regardless…between all the jumping and chasing and hot chicks and incoherent plot and fucking stupid title…

I give it my score.

My Score:

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


You can raise that to 2-1/2 Splats if you value action over being able to understand what the fuck is going on.

Now, excuse me…

I’m working on my own thesis.

It includes that Bond Girl and a lot of lube.

I’m totally winning an award for this.

Moog out.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we’ll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven’t had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

***********************

Today I’m reviewing a movie I watched while killing time at home with my newly broken hand waiting for the Percocets to kick in:

88 Minutes

Synopsis:

In “88 Minutes,” Al Pacino plays Dr. Jack Gramm, a forensic psychiatrist who sends a serial killer to prison.

9 years later, on the eve of the man’s execution, a series of copy-cat murders begin and it appears that the man will be set free.

To complicate this, Dr. Gramm’s friends and coworkers begin to join the body count – and he receives a mysterious phone call saying that he, too, will be one of the victims.

In 88 minutes.

He’s being framed…but by who? Did he put the wrong person in prison? Will he find all this out before he dies in 88 minutes?!?!

(queue porn music)

Woops. Wrong soundtrack.

(queue suspense music)


My review:

88 Minutes?

Yes. 88 minutes of my life right down the fucking shitter.

Don’t see it – I had a better time breaking my fucking hand.

My Score:

1 Mooge Splat (out of a possible 4)


Here.

You want to solve a mystery? Solve this one:

Leelee Sobieski is in this movie.

Is it just me…

…or does Leelee Sobieski look like what Helen Hunt would have looked like if Helen Hunt got the attractiveness gene instead if the “what the fuck is wrong with your eyes to make you somewhat ugly” gene?


Discuss.

Moog out.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we’ll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven’t had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

***********************

Today I’m reviewing another movie from my Netflix list:

Wanted


Good. Movie.

I had heard good things about this movie when it came out, but never got around to seeing it in the theaters.

This is probably because my kids made me see some type of animated shit instead.

Fuck you, Dreamworks. I’m so through with you.

You know…after ‘Monsters vs. Aliens’ and ‘Up’ and…

DAMMIT!


Back to ‘Wanted.’

The basic plot is some Shia LaBeouf knockoff (James McAvoy) finds out that the father that abandoned him when he was a week old was in actuality a top assassin in a group known as ‘The Fraternity.’

His father was also killed a week ago, and now the person who killed his father is now after him.

The Fraternity realizes that he has the same talents his father did and, in an effort to save him, recruits him into the club, trains him, and tasks him with the job of killing this man.

Angelina Jolie plays another assassin, who trains this kid.

(THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU, casting director)


There’s lots of action, a decent plot, and a really good twist – but I’m not giving it away.

(I only divulge such secrets for sex. Inquire within.)

I was very happy with this movie for a couple of reasons:

1) I got to see an extended shot of Angelina Jolie’s bum crack

Have I said ‘thank you’ yet to the casting director?

Jesus H. Christ.

I need to send that person flowers or some shit.

Fucking genius.


2) It’s like ‘Bourne Identity‘ meets ‘The Matrix

Lots of action and car chases and shit.

Plus…you know…

With the added bonus of Angelina Jolie’s ass.

My Score:

3 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four):


Now I have to send this movie back to Netflix.

I’ve had this thing on ‘pause’ for so long I’m getting TV Screen burn-in of Angelina’s bum.

AWESOME.

Moog out.

********************

Haven’t had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we’ll see what we can do.