Archive for the ‘Dear Moog’ Category


Well…it’s been a LOOOOOOOONG time since my last advice letter (people are apparently getting smarter – take THAT Keannu Reeves!)

..but at long last it’s another time for an exciting episode of “Dear Moog”

Where you ask me for advice, and I give it to you in the same manner that I give out my sex.

Badly.

Very, very badly.

**********************
Disclaimer:
I am not responsible for any stupid shit you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You’ve been warned.
***********************

Today’s letter comes from Nasrudin.

Nasrudin writes:

“Dear Moog,

My poop is the color of neopolitan ice cream this morning. please advise.

Thank you,

Nasrudin”

Um..

Okay.

Here goes:

****************************

Dear Nasrudin,

Ha.

Nasrudin.

Nasroooodin.

Rooooootin.

Nasroodin is broodin over John Gruden in his Fahrvergn├╝gen.

Well..there was 30 seconds of my life I’ll never get back.

Totally worth it.


Nasrudin.

Did you know that if you mix the letters up in that name you can get:

1) ad in runs

I had this happen once when I ran out of toilet paper and had to use the Toys-R-Us flyer

2) da runs in

Where da runs in?

Da runs in the toilet with the Toys-R-Us flyer.

I thought we already went over that.

3) arid nuns

I find this redundant.

Whatever.

Then I decided to Google ‘Nasrudin’ and found this:


The fuck?


The fuck were we talking about?

Oh.

Ice cream poopy.

According to Wikipedia:

“Nasrudin was a populist philosopher and wise man, remembered for his funny stories and anecdotes.”

Dude.

You’re a philosopher and wise man…and you’re asking ME why your shit is coming out like a bag of Skittles?

I’m touched.

* points at crotch

The last time I had colored poop it was from some cereal and resulted in my wife fleeing the scene when I tried to discuss it with her.

Women be crazy.

Periods: Like a Ninja, because you never know when they’re going to strike or how long you’ll have to hold off having sex with them because they’re hanging around swinging nunchuks in the darkness and being quiet and sneaky and shit.

Sorry.

Colored poop.

I don’t know, dude.

Call your fucking doctor.

Moog out.

****************************
There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a “Dear Moog” link on the right side of my page over there (or click the photo below), or you can email me here.


Want bad advice? Want shitty answers?

You’ve come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

Moog out.


It’s another time for an exciting episode of “Dear Moog”

Where good questions breed good advice.

Unfortunately, you all send me crap.

So I’ve got a bunch of shitty questions in the corner over there screwing like teenagers with their socks on.

This is gonna get ugly.

**********************
Disclaimer:
I am not responsible for any stupid shit you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You’ve been warned.
***********************

Today’s question comes from Ali.

Ali writes:

Don’t worry, Ill make this easy on you and make it short.

Why are all IT guys PERVERTS!!! I swear it is like part of your job training. Please explain……………

Thank you,
Concerned Female in Corporate America

****************************
A female…

… in CORPORATE AMERICA?!?!?

Is there a ‘baking cookies’ division of your company, because I’ve never heard of such a thing!

Just crazy talk is all that is.

I’ve digressed.


Without further ado,

Let’s begin the response to Ali’s letter.

****************************
Dear Ali,

First off, I’m so happy to hear that your Parkinson’s is doing well enough to take time to write me.

But, I’m sad.

To be such a great boxer but now subjected to the taunts of 90-pound computer guys who get to see less box than Britney Spears’ paparazzi must truly suck.

Oh.

Not Muhammad Ali.

Nevermind.


So, I asked Ali for some examples of this ‘sexual harassment’ (make air quotes for best effect).

Here’s what she wrote back:

***********************
Lets see examples huh?

Oh God they are just gross!

Always saying they can see up my skirt, trying guess the underwear the associates and interns wear.

They have access to our employee photos and they are always photo shopping them on gross stuff and then posting it in their department when no managers are down in their department.

They make up nick names for us and use them when we call. Attempting phone sex when we call for service…..etc.

***********************

* blink

I wrote Ali back this:

***********************
Holy shit!!

Are they hiring?!?!?

That. Job. Sounds. AWESOME!!

***********************

Seriously.

What a great fucking job that is. I’m so jealous I can’t stand it.


Where was I?

Oh yeah.

IT people are perverts.

Listen…

I know sexual harassment.

I learned it from one of the best in the business.

Also…

I’ve been working in the computer industry for years.

Perversion is what we do.

That, and sometimes installing antivirus shit.

Whatever…just get used to it.


Trust me, if you play along…there are extra bonuses.

Example #1:

You: “Hey..my computer just froze up.”

IT Guy: “I know…it must be freezing. I can see your giant nipples and my balls are blue.”

WRONG RESPONSE:

You: “I’m going to HR this instant to report you!”

RIGHT RESPONSE:

You: “Have sex with me!”

…and/or blowjob.

Either one, really.

THE PAYOFF:

3 months free Internet surfing outside of the Corporate Internet Usage Policy.

fatchicksinpartyhats.com, here I come!!

Example #2:

You: “Hi..my computer locked up and now I have the Blue Screen of Death.”

IT Guy: “Uh oh. Not good. Hey…let me put my pinky in your butt.”

* makes shocker symbol for added effect

(the don’t teach subtlety in ‘Learning Excel Spreadsheets’ courses)

WRONG RESPONSE:

You relentlessly empty your pepper spray container on him.

RIGHT RESPONSE:

IT guy inserts his pinky in your bum hole.

THE PAYOFF:

Any and all computer problems you have put you immediately first in the ‘To be fixed’ queue.

Also…

Other guys in IT get to insert their pinky in your bum hole.

Helpful hint: IT guys can’t keep secrets.

By the way, you make ‘pervert’ sound like it’s a bad thing.

It’s when IT guys STOP being perverts that you need to worry…

…because that means that they don’t want to bang you and you’re probably ugly.

You’re welcome.

Moog out.

****************************
There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a “Dear Moog” link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.


Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You’ve come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

Moog out.


It’s another time for an exciting episode of “Dear Moog”

Where good questions breed good advice.

Unfortunately, you all send me crap.

So I’ve got a bunch of shitty questions in the corner over there screwing like teenagers with their socks on.

This is gonna get ugly.

**********************
Disclaimer:
I am not responsible for any stupid shit you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You’ve been warned.
***********************

Today’s question comes from Ali.

Ali writes:

Don’t worry, Ill make this easy on you and make it short.

Why are all IT guys PERVERTS!!! I swear it is like part of your job training. Please explain……………

Thank you,
Concerned Female in Corporate America

****************************
A female…

… in CORPORATE AMERICA?!?!?

Is there a ‘baking cookies’ division of your company, because I’ve never heard of such a thing!

Just crazy talk is all that is.

I’ve digressed.


Without further ado,

Let’s begin the response to Ali’s letter.

****************************
Dear Ali,

First off, I’m so happy to hear that your Parkinson’s is doing well enough to take time to write me.

But, I’m sad.

To be such a great boxer but now subjected to the taunts of 90-pound computer guys who get to see less box than Britney Spears’ paparazzi must truly suck.

Oh.

Not Muhammad Ali.

Nevermind.


So, I asked Ali for some examples of this ‘sexual harassment’ (make air quotes for best effect).

Here’s what she wrote back:

***********************
Lets see examples huh?

Oh God they are just gross!

Always saying they can see up my skirt, trying guess the underwear the associates and interns wear.

They have access to our employee photos and they are always photo shopping them on gross stuff and then posting it in their department when no managers are down in their department.

They make up nick names for us and use them when we call. Attempting phone sex when we call for service…..etc.

***********************

* blink

I wrote Ali back this:

***********************
Holy shit!!

Are they hiring?!?!?

That. Job. Sounds. AWESOME!!

***********************

Seriously.

What a great fucking job that is. I’m so jealous I can’t stand it.


Where was I?

Oh yeah.

IT people are perverts.

Listen…

I know sexual harassment.

I learned it from one of the best in the business.

Also…

I’ve been working in the computer industry for years.

Perversion is what we do.

That, and sometimes installing antivirus shit.

Whatever…just get used to it.


Trust me, if you play along…there are extra bonuses.

Example #1:

You: “Hey..my computer just froze up.”

IT Guy: “I know…it must be freezing. I can see your giant nipples and my balls are blue.”

WRONG RESPONSE:

You: “I’m going to HR this instant to report you!”

RIGHT RESPONSE:

You: “Have sex with me!”

…and/or blowjob.

Either one, really.

THE PAYOFF:

3 months free Internet surfing outside of the Corporate Internet Usage Policy.

fatchicksinpartyhats.com, here I come!!

Example #2:

You: “Hi..my computer locked up and now I have the Blue Screen of Death.”

IT Guy: “Uh oh. Not good. Hey…let me put my pinky in your butt.”

* makes shocker symbol for added effect

(the don’t teach subtlety in ‘Learning Excel Spreadsheets’ courses)

WRONG RESPONSE:

You relentlessly empty your pepper spray container on him.

RIGHT RESPONSE:

IT guy inserts his pinky in your bum hole.

THE PAYOFF:

Any and all computer problems you have put you immediately first in the ‘To be fixed’ queue.

Also…

Other guys in IT get to insert their pinky in your bum hole.

Helpful hint: IT guys can’t keep secrets.

By the way, you make ‘pervert’ sound like it’s a bad thing.

It’s when IT guys STOP being perverts that you need to worry…

…because that means that they don’t want to bang you and you’re probably ugly.

You’re welcome.

Moog out.

****************************
There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a “Dear Moog” link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.


Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You’ve come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

Moog out.


It’s another time for an exciting episode of “Dear Moog”

Where good questions breed good advice.

Unfortunately, you all send me crap.

So I’ve got a bunch of shitty questions in the corner over there screwing like teenagers with their socks on.

This is gonna get ugly.

**********************
Disclaimer:
I am not responsible for any stupid shit you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You’ve been warned.
***********************

Today’s question comes from Ali.

Ali writes:

Don’t worry, Ill make this easy on you and make it short.

Why are all IT guys PERVERTS!!! I swear it is like part of your job training. Please explain……………

Thank you,
Concerned Female in Corporate America

****************************
A female…

… in CORPORATE AMERICA?!?!?

Is there a ‘baking cookies’ division of your company, because I’ve never heard of such a thing!

Just crazy talk is all that is.

I’ve digressed.


Without further ado,

Let’s begin the response to Ali’s letter.

****************************
Dear Ali,

First off, I’m so happy to hear that your Parkinson’s is doing well enough to take time to write me.

But, I’m sad.

To be such a great boxer but now subjected to the taunts of 90-pound computer guys who get to see less box than Britney Spears’ paparazzi must truly suck.

Oh.

Not Muhammad Ali.

Nevermind.


So, I asked Ali for some examples of this ‘sexual harassment’ (make air quotes for best effect).

Here’s what she wrote back:

***********************
Lets see examples huh?

Oh God they are just gross!

Always saying they can see up my skirt, trying guess the underwear the associates and interns wear.

They have access to our employee photos and they are always photo shopping them on gross stuff and then posting it in their department when no managers are down in their department.

They make up nick names for us and use them when we call. Attempting phone sex when we call for service…..etc.

***********************

* blink

I wrote Ali back this:

***********************
Holy shit!!

Are they hiring?!?!?

That. Job. Sounds. AWESOME!!

***********************

Seriously.

What a great fucking job that is. I’m so jealous I can’t stand it.


Where was I?

Oh yeah.

IT people are perverts.

Listen…

I know sexual harassment.

I learned it from one of the best in the business.

Also…

I’ve been working in the computer industry for years.

Perversion is what we do.

That, and sometimes installing antivirus shit.

Whatever…just get used to it.


Trust me, if you play along…there are extra bonuses.

Example #1:

You: “Hey..my computer just froze up.”

IT Guy: “I know…it must be freezing. I can see your giant nipples and my balls are blue.”

WRONG RESPONSE:

You: “I’m going to HR this instant to report you!”

RIGHT RESPONSE:

You: “Have sex with me!”

…and/or blowjob.

Either one, really.

THE PAYOFF:

3 months free Internet surfing outside of the Corporate Internet Usage Policy.

fatchicksinpartyhats.com, here I come!!

Example #2:

You: “Hi..my computer locked up and now I have the Blue Screen of Death.”

IT Guy: “Uh oh. Not good. Hey…let me put my pinky in your butt.”

* makes shocker symbol for added effect

(the don’t teach subtlety in ‘Learning Excel Spreadsheets’ courses)

WRONG RESPONSE:

You relentlessly empty your pepper spray container on him.

RIGHT RESPONSE:

IT guy inserts his pinky in your bum hole.

THE PAYOFF:

Any and all computer problems you have put you immediately first in the ‘To be fixed’ queue.

Also…

Other guys in IT get to insert their pinky in your bum hole.

Helpful hint: IT guys can’t keep secrets.

By the way, you make ‘pervert’ sound like it’s a bad thing.

It’s when IT guys STOP being perverts that you need to worry…

…because that means that they don’t want to bang you and you’re probably ugly.

You’re welcome.

Moog out.

****************************
There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a “Dear Moog” link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.


Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You’ve come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

Moog out.


It’s another time for an exciting episode of “Dear Moog”

Where I’m seriously getting tired of you whiny little bitches.

I mean..um..

Where you can count on sound advice!

Phew.

Dodged a bullet there.

**********************
Disclaimer:
I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You’ve been warned.
***********************

First, let me say that the following letter is somewhat pornographic in nature.

HOORAY FOR ME!

Sorry. I like boobies.

But, it was a little TOO dirty…even for me.

Sometimes I make myself laugh.

Because of this, I’ve done the following:

1) Replaced all the dirty words and phrases with McDonald’s terms

2) Masturbated after I read it

Not in that particular order.

Actually…

Exactly in that order.

I REALLY like McDonald’s.


The words/phrases I’ve replaced in the letter are in red bold italics. Just so you know.

I had to say that because some of you are fucking stupid.

You know who you are.

************************

Today’s letter comes from Desperate Nympho.”

Here’s the retouched letter that Desperate Nympho wrote:

Dear Moog,

Love your Mental Poo blog, keeps me laughing. And cringing. But anyway.

My problem is… I think I like having Quarter Pounders jammed constantly in my Filet-O-Fish and my boyfriend can’t handle it.

I’m addicted to having Super-Sized fries stuffed into my Egg McMuffin and I love to suck on triple thick vanilla milkshakes.

Yummy.

Oh and I want a Happy Meal with a woman as well.

How do I handle this and how will I be satisfied?

Regards,

Desperate Nympho

*****************

* cricket

* cricket

Woops. Sorry.

Masturbating.

OK!

Back to the reply.

I first emailed ‘Desperate Nympho’ back immediately.

Not JUST to say, “how you doin’?”

…but because of this:


Yeah.

It was from someone named “Thomas.”

What. The. Fuck.

I just beat off.

Am I gay? Am I gay again?

I mean…um…‘now.’ Am I gay now?

I don’t look good in pastels!!!


(that picture never gets old)

After receiving confirmation that this was, indeed, a woman NOT named ‘Thomas’

(You may get me to stop trying on feather boas immediately…but am TOTALLY keeping these pumps)

..I felt okay to continue masturbating.

I mean..‘answering the letter.’

*************

Dear Nympho,

It sounds to me that if your boyfriend can’t keep up with your fast food binging, then you should probably look at eating at some other restaurant.

Did I mention that I used to cook?

Sorry. Sorry.

(I used to cook. Call me.)

Listen, any man wants two things:

1) A woman who constantly wants to suck on his milkshake

2) The possibility that she’ll share your milkshake with her hot friend, or – really – any other broad.

That’s right. Two straws at a time.


Don’t worry, Thomas…there a plenty of guys out there who can and will deal with the constant fondling of their Big Mac.

You just have to find him.

Hint: LOOK. FUCKING. ANYWHERE.

So, apparently aside from your friggin’ boyfriend, I think that pretty much covers the rest of us.

If your boyfriend can’t handle that, then I’m sorry to tell you that there’s a distinct possibility that he plays for the other team.

That’s right.

Vegetarians.

He would rather toss another guy’s McSalad than partake in your Hot Apple Pie.

They disgrace us all.

Special sauce, anyone?

I’ve reread this letter and am working up a batch right now.

Ronald McDonald…you’re a dirty little whore.

Perhaps I’ve said too much.

****************************
There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a “Dear Moog” link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.


Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You’ve come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

Moog out.