Archive for the ‘meme’ Category


The other day, I wrote a list of truths about myself

…all in song titles.

Today…you get the bullshit.

Actually, MORE bullshit than usual.

It’s like payday for you!

Here goes:

Some lies about myself in song titles.

1) Big balls

I’m fine with this because of my tiny frame.

If these things were any bigger, I’d trip all the time.

And no one likes tripping on their testes.

No one.


2) Fuck Like a Beast

I’m awesome.

However, this may become a truth if the “beast” in question has a tiny wiggly, needs Levitra, and can last only approximately 3 or 4 minutes.

Seriously.

I’m starting to depress myself.


Two side notes:

a) W.A.S.P was fucking AWESOME
b) apparently, I stole the “add a * into the word f*ck” from W.A.S.P….who knew?

3) I Believe I Can Fly

A broken fibula showed me the light on this one.

Damn you, model glue!

Why must you smell so good?!


4) I Touch Myself

Ha!

Just seeing if you were paying attention.

Okay…back to the lies:

4) Sussudio

I have no idea what this means.


5) Seventh Son of a Seventh Son

I’m an only child.

This is why Mr. Wiggly and I are such good friends.

Aren’t we, Mr. Wiggly? Coochie-coochie-coo!

We ARE good friends, huh?

Why yes, we are…yes we…

Um.

Sorry.


My mother, however, is one of 13 kids.

13 goddamn kids.

Way to nail that ‘tang, grandpa!!

Guy musta had some big balls.

Ugh…I think I just made myself throw up in my mouth a little.

************************

There you go.

If you’re interested in doing this, have at it.

I don’t tag people ever since I got teased in the 8th grade for actually playing tag instead of smoking pot with the rest of the kids.

This is also why I have “a list.”

Just link back to whoever you got the idea from.

It’s the nice thing to do.

Enjoy.

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Would I Lie to You?

Posted: March 4, 2009 in about me, meme


Once again, I’ve outdone myself.

On a side note, if I could ACTUALLY DO myself, I don’t think I’d ever leave the house.

Hey…this penis smells funny!

Sorry.

A thought popped into my head for doing a ‘meme’ the other day.

For those of you who don’t know, a ‘meme’ is the French word for ‘grandma.’

I loved doing that meme.

Man…that bitch was FILTHY.

Wait…wait…

’memere’ is the French word for grandma.

Sometimes I start talking about the wrong things.

Confused, my head is bacon goodness!!

But I’ve digressed.

A LOT.


A ‘meme’ is something that you can do as a ‘post’ when you’re ‘bored’ or ‘out of ideas’ or ‘lazy’ or ‘sexually repressed’ and ‘may want to have sex with ferrets.’

Mmmm…ferrets.

Fuzzy little sexy things.

Regardless, here’s my idea:

List some things about yourself that are true, and some that are a lie.

Here’s the catch:

The items have to be song titles.

There is no – “you have to have five of each” rule…or whatever…if you can only find one song, then just use one song.

Loser.


Today…you get the “Truth” songs about me.

Tomorrow…the horrible, horrible LIES!

Here goes.

Some true things about myself in song titles:

1) Short People

I’m 5 foot fucking 2 inches tall. Not rocket science here, people.

However, I have a reason to live! I don’t wanna die!

There’s so much porn I have yet to see!


2) Mama, I’m Coming Home

Seriously, mom – I’m coming home.

I really need a fucking haircut.

3) I Want Your Sex

Please be advised that I may not know what to do with it once you give it to me.

However, I won’t have it for very long, because I’m….

4) Too Fast for Love

Seriously…

…I’ll have your sex for, like, 3…maybe 4 minutes.

Tops.

Also…to my wife:

Honey, the ‘I second this choice!’ shout out here is totally unnecessary.


5) No Anchovies, Please

Blech.

I hate fish.


If it has a fin, I won’t eat it unless it’s on the endangered list OR it’s a tuna sandwich made ONLY with the following stipulations:

a) My wife made the tuna sandwich

b) The bread is lightly toasted…not too crispy…and DEFINITELY not UNtoasted…that shit’s just plain wrong right there, my friend.

c) It has pickles to kill the taste of the actual tuna

d)It has no f*cking dog hair in it OH MY GOD THERE IS DOG HAIR EVERYWHERE IN THIS HOUSE CAN’T WE JUST KILL THIS FUCKING DOG?!?!


5) I Touch Myself

I’m doing it right now.

My boss is looking at me funny.


6) Detachable Penis

Not true.

YET.

But if I keep doing #5 with the schedule I’m on it’s bound to happen sooner or later.

************************

There you go.

If you’re interested in doing this, have at it.

I don’t tag people ever since I got teased in the 8th grade for actually playing tag instead of smoking pot with the rest of the kids.

This is also why I have “a list.”

Just link back to whoever you got the idea from.

It’s the nice thing to do.

Enjoy.

In the Future I’m Taller

Posted: May 19, 2008 in meme


“Ten Things.”

Or…as they say in Spanish:

“Ocho Amigos Enchilada.”

(never hurts to add a little culture to the posts)

Anyway…

I saw this on “Misfit Mania’s” site…and thought:

Man…I have to pee.”

(I drank a lot of coffee that morning)

Actually, I thought:

This should be fun. Man…I have to pee.”

(I told you…seriously…I drank, like, 5 cups)

Anyway…

The task is this:

List ten things that you would like to say to people one day.


I did not see any rules here…

…so I’m assuming that this does NOT have to be based in reality.

This is a good thing…as I barely spend any time there.

So…

In no particular order, here are:

10 Things that I would like to say to people one day:

(sorry..that was a little over-dramatic)

1) “Wow…those penis enlargement pills REALLY WORK!”

This is good news…

…as it validates the $300 I just spent on these f*ckers.

If there was a “1a” it would be: “Wow…I just got to use my new giant penis!”


2) “I just had a threesome with Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba.”

3) “Why yes, that IS my 12 inch penis in your ear.”

(said to either Scarlett Johansson or Jessica Alba)

(also see #1 for reference)



4) “Ladies and gentlemen…I introduce to you my butler…MR. BILL GATES!!”

(Bitch owed me money)


5) “Yes boss, that IS my steaming pile of shit on your desk.”


6) “..and that’s how I killed Osama Bin Laden using the super computer that I invented to create a cure for cancer.”

That’s right, baby.

I’m THAT awesome.


7) “I appreciate the gift, son. But I wanted a yellow Ferrari, not a red one.”

Ungrateful little sh*t.

Kids.

8) “Stick that in my ass again, and I’ll kill you.”

Wait..wait…scratch that last one.

(unless I’m also saying it to Scarlett Johansson or Jessica Alba)

Fine…new #8:

8) “Wow. The Playboy Mansion is everything I thought it would be.”


9) “I’m five-foot-THREE! I’m five-foot-THREE! Finally! Finally! I’m five-foot-THREE!!”


10) “Happy 50th Anniversary, honey. Here…you can take my red Ferrari.”

Seriously…I wanted A YELLOW ONE.

It’s like my son doesn’t even know me.

Anyway…

Please note that there’s a distinct possibility that #10 will not happen.

This is primarily because of numbers 2, 3, and 8 (either #8…it doesn’t really matter).

Here’s to hoping, though.

Love ya, hon!


************************

If you’re interested in doing this, have at it.

I don’t tag people ever since I got teased in the 8th grade for actually playing tag instead of smoking pot with the rest of the kids.

This is also why I have “a list.”

Just link back to whoever you got the idea from.

It’s the nice thing to do.

Enjoy.

In the Future I’m Taller

Posted: May 19, 2008 in meme


“Ten Things.”

Or…as they say in Spanish:

“Ocho Amigos Enchilada.”

(never hurts to add a little culture to the posts)

Anyway…

I saw this on “Misfit Mania’s” site…and thought:

Man…I have to pee.”

(I drank a lot of coffee that morning)

Actually, I thought:

This should be fun. Man…I have to pee.”

(I told you…seriously…I drank, like, 5 cups)

Anyway…

The task is this:

List ten things that you would like to say to people one day.


I did not see any rules here…

…so I’m assuming that this does NOT have to be based in reality.

This is a good thing…as I barely spend any time there.

So…

In no particular order, here are:

10 Things that I would like to say to people one day:

(sorry..that was a little over-dramatic)

1) “Wow…those penis enlargement pills REALLY WORK!”

This is good news…

…as it validates the $300 I just spent on these f*ckers.

If there was a “1a” it would be: “Wow…I just got to use my new giant penis!”


2) “I just had a threesome with Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba.”

3) “Why yes, that IS my 12 inch penis in your ear.”

(said to either Scarlett Johansson or Jessica Alba)

(also see #1 for reference)



4) “Ladies and gentlemen…I introduce to you my butler…MR. BILL GATES!!”

(Bitch owed me money)


5) “Yes boss, that IS my steaming pile of shit on your desk.”


6) “..and that’s how I killed Osama Bin Laden using the super computer that I invented to create a cure for cancer.”

That’s right, baby.

I’m THAT awesome.


7) “I appreciate the gift, son. But I wanted a yellow Ferrari, not a red one.”

Ungrateful little sh*t.

Kids.

8) “Stick that in my ass again, and I’ll kill you.”

Wait..wait…scratch that last one.

(unless I’m also saying it to Scarlett Johansson or Jessica Alba)

Fine…new #8:

8) “Wow. The Playboy Mansion is everything I thought it would be.”


9) “I’m five-foot-THREE! I’m five-foot-THREE! Finally! Finally! I’m five-foot-THREE!!”


10) “Happy 50th Anniversary, honey. Here…you can take my red Ferrari.”

Seriously…I wanted A YELLOW ONE.

It’s like my son doesn’t even know me.

Anyway…

Please note that there’s a distinct possibility that #10 will not happen.

This is primarily because of numbers 2, 3, and 8 (either #8…it doesn’t really matter).

Here’s to hoping, though.

Love ya, hon!


************************

If you’re interested in doing this, have at it.

I don’t tag people ever since I got teased in the 8th grade for actually playing tag instead of smoking pot with the rest of the kids.

This is also why I have “a list.”

Just link back to whoever you got the idea from.

It’s the nice thing to do.

Enjoy.

In the Future I’m Taller

Posted: May 19, 2008 in meme


“Ten Things.”

Or…as they say in Spanish:

“Ocho Amigos Enchilada.”

(never hurts to add a little culture to the posts)

Anyway…

I saw this on “Misfit Mania’s” site…and thought:

Man…I have to pee.”

(I drank a lot of coffee that morning)

Actually, I thought:

This should be fun. Man…I have to pee.”

(I told you…seriously…I drank, like, 5 cups)

Anyway…

The task is this:

List ten things that you would like to say to people one day.


I did not see any rules here…

…so I’m assuming that this does NOT have to be based in reality.

This is a good thing…as I barely spend any time there.

So…

In no particular order, here are:

10 Things that I would like to say to people one day:

(sorry..that was a little over-dramatic)

1) “Wow…those penis enlargement pills REALLY WORK!”

This is good news…

…as it validates the $300 I just spent on these f*ckers.

If there was a “1a” it would be: “Wow…I just got to use my new giant penis!”


2) “I just had a threesome with Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba.”

3) “Why yes, that IS my 12 inch penis in your ear.”

(said to either Scarlett Johansson or Jessica Alba)

(also see #1 for reference)



4) “Ladies and gentlemen…I introduce to you my butler…MR. BILL GATES!!”

(Bitch owed me money)


5) “Yes boss, that IS my steaming pile of shit on your desk.”


6) “..and that’s how I killed Osama Bin Laden using the super computer that I invented to create a cure for cancer.”

That’s right, baby.

I’m THAT awesome.


7) “I appreciate the gift, son. But I wanted a yellow Ferrari, not a red one.”

Ungrateful little sh*t.

Kids.

8) “Stick that in my ass again, and I’ll kill you.”

Wait..wait…scratch that last one.

(unless I’m also saying it to Scarlett Johansson or Jessica Alba)

Fine…new #8:

8) “Wow. The Playboy Mansion is everything I thought it would be.”


9) “I’m five-foot-THREE! I’m five-foot-THREE! Finally! Finally! I’m five-foot-THREE!!”


10) “Happy 50th Anniversary, honey. Here…you can take my red Ferrari.”

Seriously…I wanted A YELLOW ONE.

It’s like my son doesn’t even know me.

Anyway…

Please note that there’s a distinct possibility that #10 will not happen.

This is primarily because of numbers 2, 3, and 8 (either #8…it doesn’t really matter).

Here’s to hoping, though.

Love ya, hon!


************************

If you’re interested in doing this, have at it.

I don’t tag people ever since I got teased in the 8th grade for actually playing tag instead of smoking pot with the rest of the kids.

This is also why I have “a list.”

Just link back to whoever you got the idea from.

It’s the nice thing to do.

Enjoy.