Archive for the ‘religion’ Category

>A Confession to Make

Posted: May 2, 2011 in kids, parenting, religion

>I’m Catholic and when I say “I’m Catholic” it means “I’ve been told I’m Catholic but you won’t see me step foot in a church unless you’re getting married or you’ve died but now that I’m thinking about it you won’t see me if you’re actually dead but then again I’m no doctor.”

But it also means that my kids take Catholicsm classes.

Part of this, for my son recently, was doing his first Confession.

He’s SEVEN.

SEVEN.

We couldn’t think of anything for him to confess because he’s awesome so the night before, well, we started thinking of things he could say.

Enjoy.


Awesome.

During the ceremony they were all, like, “The parents can come up and do confession as well,” but I seriously didn’t have four days to spare sitting there and I wasn’t sure if they’d actually allow pizza delivery.

The fact that we made it into the church without getting hit by lightning is an actual miracle in and of itself.

Excuse me, now.

I have a stageghost to rob at gunpoint.

My Son is an Angry Black Man

Posted: February 22, 2010 in kids, religion


Alternate title for this post:

“The Face of Catholicism – now in Technicolor!”

My kids both go to CCD on Monday after school.

For those of you who don’t know, CCD is basically “Catholic Classes” where you’re supposed to learn about Jesus…

(not the Puerto Rican guy working at Jiffy Lube trying to talk you into a new air filter…a different ‘Jesus’)

…and the Bible and how Satan has come in the form of Rachael Ray to sway us into the dark side by performing such evil miracles as creating healthy, delicious meals in 30 minutes or less and making us say shit like “Delish” and “Yum-O.”

Some of that might be wrong.


I didn’t pay much attention when I went to CCD.

I was more interested in how to piss off the priests and shit by wearing Black Sabbath concert shirts with pictures of goat heads in a pentagram or – in some extreme cases – my ‘Twisted Sister’ shirt with the back a GIANT picture of Dee Snider in full makeup.

We’re not gonna take it?

You’re damn straight.


So, my son came home from CCD (which apparently stands for “Catholic Christian Doctrine” and not “Clergy Craving Donations” – who knew?) with an assignment he did in class.

Here are the instructions:


At the bottom of this page is a picture of four kids holding a banner.

One of the kids doesn’t have a face.

The spot where his face should be is as blank as the shelf where Skeet Ulrich keeps all his acting awards.

* tumbleweed rolls by

So, according to the directions, my son has to draw HIS face in that spot.

Here’s what my son draws:


Wow.

That’s, um…

Hm.

Me: “Why did you draw yourself as a black guy?”

Cam (laughing): “I don’t know.”

K.


Way to go there, son.

It’s like looking at his twin.

You know, if he was a pissed off black guy with green eyes and a high fade and – for some reason – chicken feet growing out of his head.

Totally appropriate for Catholic classes.

I’m going out and getting him a Black Sabbath t-shirt.

If you’re going to freak out the priests and nuns and shit, might as well do it right.

But he’s off to a good start all on his own.

That’s my boy.

Buggin’ Jesus

Posted: January 21, 2010 in movies, religion, wtf


I think this one cement’s the deal.

What deal?

Me. Going to Hell.

THAT deal.

If the Wii Bible Adventures video that I made wasn’t enough…

..I now present you with a NEW video that – upon completion – even surprised me in the fact that I wasn’t stricken by lightning while making it.

*****************
DISCLAIMER:

If you get offended by someone making fun of religion and shit, you may want to skip this post…cuz I think you’ll be coming with me to Hell by sheer proxy.

FYI: First time I ever heard the term ‘by proxy’ was when Richie married that chick on Happy Days when he was overseas in the military and Fonzie stood in for him.

The more you know.

Also:

Holy fuck I’m older than shit.

Whatever. You’ve been warned.

*****************


The idea for this actually came from sitting in a cube constantly with my friend, Kristin.

She will, from time to time, see something and go:

Kristin: “Oh my God.”

(she watches a lot of porn at work…HR take notice)

..or..

Kristin: “Good God.”

..to which I reply in a deep booming voice:

Me: “YEEESSSSSS KRISTINNNNN”

Then we laugh and it never gets old.

To me.

I’m irritating.

But that premise gave me the idea for a video.

Of course.

Here you go…in all it’s blasphemous glory:

Buggin’ Jesus.

Enjoy.

* cricket

Feel dirty now?

Yeah.

Just think how I feel.

And, yes…

Jesus owns a Snuggie.

Shout out here to Lilu for that creative gem.

It’s only a matter of time before I’m excommunicated.

I hope they do it by proxy.

I’d LOVE to meet The Fonz.


I couldn’t let Christianity have all the fun.

If I’m going to Hell, it’s going to be on several different levels.

It’s how I roll.

Fresh on the heels of my ‘Bible Adventures Wii Game’ movie

I figured I should probably flip the other side of the coin and be blasphemous on an entirely new level.

Last week, I Tweeted this little gem:

“If I was a Greek Jew I would invent a menorah made out of a Minotaur statue and sell it as a “Minotorah” and I would be rich.”

* cricket

I don’t know where it comes from, either.

It just..DOES.

Whatever…

That led to me making this:

(click to enlarge..that’s what she said)


If I could somehow figure out how to build shit (Santa? Little help here?), I’d be RICH.

On a related note:

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Seriously.

I’m broken on so many levels it’s not even funny.

****************************
UPDATE!!

Maxie from I Hate So Much gave me some more suggestions for different ethnicities..ethnications..ethics violations…

Different kinds of people.

Here you go. Thanks, Maxie!

For the Italian Jews we have…

The Meatballnorah!

And I have no idea if there’s such thing as a Chinese Jew but if there is, I bet THIS would be front and center on their mantelpiece:

The Pork Lo Meinorah!

That’s all I got.

I think it’s enough.

Happy Holidays, everybody.

Moog out.


This could also be a ‘Ripped from the Headlines’ post…

…but I say we just, you know..

…leave it as it is.

I saw the other day that a new game is being released for the Wii Console.

Bible Adventures

Yes.

A game called ‘Bible Adventures’ is coming to the Wii console.

Of course, as most things do..

THIS GOT ME THINKING.

That, in and of itself, is not usually a good thing AT ALL.


So, here you go folks:

A Video of what I think the Bible Adventures Game will be.

Enjoy.

It’s okay to wince while you’re watching it.

I do and I made the fucking thing.

Yes.

I made that video.

Yes.

I’m totally going to Hell.

That’s not really news. Just thought I’d throw that out there.

And, yes…about the title?

The day I lost half my readers?

I’m going out on a limb here and guessing that would be today.

The Viral Video part?

That’s up to YOU.

Could you give a guy a hand?

No..the other one.

That one is sticky.

Thanks in advance.

Happy Holidays!

Moog out.