Archive for the ‘I’m an asshole’ Category

>As you may or may not know, my longtime friend, cube-mate, and all-around general person who grosses me the Hell out on a constant basis, Kristin, moved out of my cube at work to a different floor.

Subsequently, once in a while, I’ll get Instant Messages from her asking a question.

Sadly, none of them are, like, “We banging today?”

Work SUCKS.

Regardless, Kristin will IM me with valid, serious questions about work.

And THIS, folks…is why my gravestone will simply say:

Here you go:

This probably explains why we’re not banging.

What an asshole.

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>OOOHH!!

A PHOTO CONTEST FROM BERTUCCI’S!!

Well, this is going to end poorly.

I sent them this:

And, yes. I hit ‘submit.’

Pretty sure that if I wasn’t going to Hell before, I am now.

I’ll send you a picture from in front of one of the brick ovens.

>At work the other day when this IM pops up from my friend, Janet:

I love ruining people’s lives so much.

Chat me up on IM.

I’ll show you how it’s done.

Moog out.

>Was in the cafeteria at work getting my fifth cup of hazelnut coffee with two Splenda and half-n-half when OMG I JUST REALIZED I’M GAY.

Sorry.

Was in the cafeteria getting my (insert manly type of coffee here) when I noticed this poster:


Red Bull: Recharge Wednesday!

Really?

This is supposed to get me to want to drink Red Bull so I recharge and then next thing I know I’m a 40-year old man riding a Razor scooter with my tie flung over my shoulder going “Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” through the hallways while wearing an expression like I just got my report card and I DIDN’T flunk remedial English?

Because all I want to do when I see this poster is to run up and shank this guy in the kidney with a homemade shiv.


There. That’s better.

Because, seriously….

If you’re this happy at work, take the day off asshole because you’re making the rest of us miserable people look bad.

Enjoy your weekend.

>So I was annoyingly failing trying to make Mario Lopez unattractive in a completely heterosexual-yet-comfortable-with-my-own-non-homesexuality way when I thought back to my “Hitler moustache post” and wondered to myself:

What would happen if the most EVIL people in the world had Mario’s features?

You don’t have to ask me twice, people.

LET’S GO TO THE TAPE!

Bad Guy #1: Joseph Stalin


Joseph Stalin was the Soviet Leader from 1922 until blah blah blah that’s what the Hell Wikipedia is for, people.

Let’s LOPEZIFY HIM!

Joseph Stalin-Lopez


Please bear with me as I only have shitty Microsoft Paint on this thing so maybe, like, squint your eyes or some shit to get the true effect of this.

What I think I ended up with here is something that looks like the guy who played “The Bear Jew” in “Inglorious Basterds” but with a really bad makeup job.


Regardless, there’s no way Joseph Stalin-Lopez ain’t pullin’ some legendary Babushka tail with those dimples.

Please note I didn’t have to touch Stalin’s hair AT ALL so I’m pretty sure that means that Mario Lopez is a Communist or – at the very least – is giving us a bullshit line about his Mexican heritage.

Saved by the Bell? More like “Saved by the Stateless and Classless Society Structured Upon Common Ownership of the Means of Production.”

We’re watching you, Mario. Or should I say, Mariovsky?

Bad Guy #2: Kim Jong Il


Kim Jong Il is the guy who runs one of the Koreas and I think it’s North but it might be South and that ISN’T me saying that ‘they all look alike’ (they do) but I kind of only watch sports on the news and do the Sudoku in the paper unless Garfield has Nermal in it.

Nermal. What crazy shenanigans will you get Garfield into next?!

Let’s LOPEZIFY HIM!

Kim Jong Il-Lopez


Um.

Two things are now abundantlly clear to me:

1) Microsoft Paint is NOT even a little close to being a photo editor AT ALL, and

2) This is what Urkel would have looked like if he had Elvis and Lucy Liu as parents.

Kim Jong Il-Lopez’ looks say, “Sure I’m some creepy Asian-American-rock-icon-hybrid, but I have no interest in nuking my neighbors because I’m kind of busy doing tech support at Best Buy.”

We are the world, Kim Jong Il.

We are the world.

Bad Guy #3: Ayatollah Khomenei


So this guy was a bad guy in Iran who may or may not have done bad shit but I’m pretty sure Ronald Reagan didn’t like the guy and anyone Ronald Reagan didn’t like, well, I don’t like you, either.

Yeah. I’m looking at YOU, Ron Reagan, Junior.

Regardless, by the time you read this I may be dead or in hiding or dead while in hiding because as I was making this post I Tweeted:


..and then no one replied to me so THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR CONCERN YOU ASSHOLES.

Well..it’s too late now so LET’S LOPEZIFY HIM!

Ayatollah Khomenei-Lopez


Well, it’s now painfully obvious that matching skin tones with Mario isn’t the easiest thing when using a free drawing tool on Windows 7 (nice job, Bill Gates) so OOOOH I have Corel something or other so let’s see if I can turn this into a painting!

(2 hours later after fucking with brush tones and blends and online help and SERIOUSLY FUCK YOU, BILL GATES..)


And now the softer yet much more rugged Ayatollah Khomenei-Lopez says to the world, “Hey world. Yeah. I’m over here. *wink* Let’s forget about our religious and political differences and ignore how we treat our women and let’s just rip off our political burkhas and fling off our flip-flops as you ignore my complete lack of hygiene and we make sweet, sweet love together on a bed instead of, like, camel hair or whatever the fuck we screw on in Iran.”

Can Mario Lopez bring true peace to the Middle East?

I’m beginning to think it’s possible.

Don’t worry. I have more.

I just have to come out of hiding first.

Moog Rushdie out.