Increase Your Gas Mileage: STAY THE F*CK HOME

Posted: February 1, 2008 in environment, rants


A cannon would solve my problem.

I’m sure of it.

But let’s back up…

In my previous “F*CK THE ENVIRONMENT” post, I went off on:

1) Recycling

2) My inability to give a rat’s ass about the environment if cleaning out a container took longer than the time it took me to empty it

3) I discussed how I’m helping to save the ozone, by trapping my farts in my car’s seat cushion.

4) I mentioned the option of eating manatees

Mmmm…manatees.

Cut to the “Emeril, Live” broadcast:

Emeril: “I don’t know where you get your manatees from, but where I get my manatees, they don’t come seasoned.”

(At this point, f*cked up studio audience members that clap crazily when this jackass simply just puts salt on sh*t..

(“Ooohhh..he’s using paprika! Hooray!! Hooray!!”)

…start clapping at this, too).

Idiots.

Emeril: “BAM!!”

(Emeril gives a manatee sandwich to Doc Gibbs)


Dammit…I’ve gone off topic again…

I’m back.

Today…we talk about hybrids.

Hybrids.

No, no…I’m not talking about children born in Kentucky.


I’m talking about the cars.

Hybrid cars.

Cars that people spend extra money on in order to save a handful of change a week in gas.

Stupid Environment F*ckSh*t:
“I bought a Prius that will save me 3 gallons of gas a week!”

Me: “Good for you. Nice sweater vest by the way, loser.”

SEF: “That’s $9 extra a week in my pocket!”

Me: “Wow..almost enough for another pair of boat shoes. How much did you pay for the car?”

SEF: “I paid ONLY $5000 OVER sticker…you know…because they’re in such demand.”

Me: “Yeah…that extra 5 grand you paid NOW will recoup you a lot of money in 6 years you f*cking dolt.”

SEF (doing math in head): “I’m a stupid f*cksh*t.”

Me: “I know you are. Here…have a manatee sandwich.”


I’m not particularly worried about the Prius owners’ finances…

Herein lies my problem with this stupid prick:

I happen to be on the highway RIGHT BEHIND “Mr. Prius Owner”…

…who has now decided that, while driving in front of me…

…in the F*CKING PASSING LANE

he will try to maximize his mileage-per-gallon ratio.

(for those of you on the “metric system”, I’ve come up with an easy conversion tool for you to convert gallons to liters and miles to kilometers):

SPECIAL “MENTAL POO” CUT AND SAVE SECTION!

*************** ( cut here ) ***************

Gallons to Liters easy conversion:

1 Gallon = Who gives a f*ck # of liters

Miles to Kilometer easy conversion:

1 Mile = Seriously, I don’t give a sh*t about the metric system

*************** ( cut here ) ***************

You’re welcome.


Anyway…

So here’s our hybrid owner…

squeezing out every penny of his investment….

How high can he get his mileage?

Well…

…what better time to find out then when he’s in front of me on the highway, right?

Of course.

Because this is how my luck goes.

So, he tries to get the best mileage by coasting

…or he’s doing the “heel/toe” thing like he has an egg behind his gas pedal…

In the GODDAMN PASSING LANE.

Not passing a single f*cking soul.

Going 65 mph….and slowing…..

…slowing…

Oblivious Pompous Prius Owner:
“Ooooooh, I’m getting 45 mpg now!”

(A manatee slowly swims by)


I wish I had a hood mounted cannon on my Hummer H3 (with optional off-road package that not only makes it a much heavier gas-guzzler, but also serves no useful purpose as I never actually venture off of pavement).

Hey…it’s all about the bling.

Me: “What the…!?”

…this prick is still slowing down

With my cannon, I’d shoot this sonafabitch straight out…

…sending daisies, granola and (for some reason) anal beads flying into the atmosphere…

(this would further raise the greenhouse effect…essentially rubbing out another harp seal…it’s a win-win)

DRIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!!!!


Seriously…dude…

…Just drive your f*cking car.

Just drive it.

If you get better gas mileage, great.

If you don’t, I DON’T CARE – JUST DRIVE YOUR F*CKING CAR!!!!!

As one of my friends, Mike, eloquently put it:

“I’m all for the environment conservation thing but not at the cost of me not being able to go at least 70mph…while the distance in front of said Prius to the next car is lengthening by the second”

…please note that Mike emailed me this from his car using his BlackBerry while he was on the highway behind said Prius.

Yeah…he’s one of THOSE guys.


What better way to bitch about someone else’s driving then to text someone else while you’re behind the wheel?

I wonder how many farts are trapped in HIS seat cushion.

Hey…we all have to do our part…

…it’s just that sometimes…

…you’d rather eat an endangered species.

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Comments
  1. The Divine Miss M says:

    Ah but you see the Prius drives so slowly that you can easily function a mobile phone and type out a message safely.

    Prius’s work so well here in London because the traffic is so constantly fucking jammed that the Prius is going it’s maximum speed and not bothering anyone.

    Don’t get me started on “Smart” Cars. Other than the fact that you can park in nify small parking bays what the fuck is so smark about those fuckers?

  2. Lori says:

    HAHAHHAHAHAHHA HAHAHHAHAHAHA

    I have NO snappy comebacks…but this was funny as hell!

    I’ll be giggling all day..or at least till the next great blog I read…hehe

  3. C.Rag says:

    Does your friend Mike kept Mardi Gras beads in his car so he can throw them at women showing their boobs?

  4. Malicious Intent says:

    Hahhahaha, I have a friend who drives a suburban, calls while driving and then even trys to looks things up while on the phone driving and leaves this message on your answering machine. He also never gives the correct information for at times his multi-tasking cup runneth over.

  5. Malach the Merciless says:

    I agree with the Hybirds. What Malach does is those lightbulbs, saving $30+ dollars a month on those babies. Also, I recycle, we curb side pick up her in Fairhaven.

    Solar interest me, but is would cost clost to $35000 to get that on my house, and I am waiting for H Fuel Cells in cars

  6. AngryMan says:

    I’ve been trying to save gas by walking more. Got rained on today. Fuck the environment.

    NOTE:
    I actually walked today b/c the rain is freezing rain and will ice up the roads. Given my truck can’t handle bad weather too well, I decided to walk.

  7. billymac says:

    I surf the web on my BB while driving and scratching my ass… this somehow pisses off my wife, women are just so temperamental…

  8. HeyJoe says:

    Perhaps T-Mobile can come out with a new Laser Cannon Mounted Cell phone so that you can text AND kill AND take a picture, all at the same time!

    Text: “I’m about to blow this bastard off the road – check this out.”

    (cannon and camera go off simultaneously)

    BLAM!!

    Dude, that was awesome

  9. J says:

    I want to know what excuse the people who dont drive a hybrid have when they decide to drive that slow.

  10. A Girl, A Boy, and Me says:

    I really really want a Prius. But I refuse to pay above sticker price for anything.

    Why???

    One passenger in the carpool lane.

    In OC, the carpool lane can be a kind of nirvana.

    Mmmmmmm…me in the carpool lane whipping by stopped traffic.

  11. Mike says:

    F*cking F*cksh*ts

    Wonder if they know the life cycle energy costs of the average hybrid costs MORE energy to produce and ship than the gas savings merit?

    That batteries last on average 100,000 miles before having to be replaced, and chucked in the landfill?

    It’s not a Prius. It’s a PIOUS. Think about it.

  12. rs27 says:

    Manatee Sandwich- AHAHAHAHAHA….

    Tell me you saw that Conan O’Brien bit on manatees.

  13. upset waitress says:

    I am actually the author of “The Endangered Species Cookbook”.

  14. Smileygirl says:

    Question for you:
    My sister (the beauty with the Billy Bob teeth) will be having surgery on Monday and just yesterday I made sure that she bookmark your blog to read while recovering. Could you do me a favor and please try not to be so f*cking funny? I don’t want her to split her stitches. Although that may be some more good material for you.

    Anyway, please consider my request or I will personally hold you accountable for any post-op trauma she may suffer.

  15. Jenera says:

    You are a freakin’ genius! I found you through Bumpzee and I will DEFINITELY be coming back!

    Jenera
    Just Me

  16. Buzzardbilly says:

    When Al Gore’s son got popped in his hybrid last year he was doing 100mph. Unfortunately, he was packing a load of weed too.

    LMAO at hybrid people. Um, there are no hybrid people, since people can’t cross with another species. Even in Kentucky :p

  17. Linda and her Surroundings says:

    Just the name of that car annoys me. Prius – ooooooh, goody, goody for mr dogoody.

    I am an eco vandal.

  18. whatagem says:

    Have you ever tried manatee with ketchup? It’s friggin’ awesome!

    All the magazines tout that if you drive 60 mph instead of 70 mph, you’ll save gas. But consider this….

    You’re driving for an extra ten minuets.

    DUH

    And besides, burning gas for ANOTHER TEN MINUETS, I’m WASTING another ten minuets of my life. And quite frankly, those ten minuets are more precious to me than “saving” th enviroment.

    Everyone says cows’ farts (because of the methane) are responisble for the green house effects. Why just cows? EVERY CREATURE FARTS!!

    I blame 3% of the methane gas emitted on my dad’s chilli.

  19. cookiebitch says:

    fyi … your guest post is up on CB

  20. Buzzardbilly says:

    and another fyi…you’ve been thanked profusely on my blog today (Saturday). Thanks again here.

    Why? Well, while Mr. Wiggly is shooting blanks, it seems mingling words with your words is still quite fertile. You’ll see.

  21. Hungry Mother says:

    I’m a vegan tree-hugger, but I gotta go with your logic. I’m going to try to ram a manatee with my kayak tomorrow. If I’m successful, I’ll overnight the blubber, or whatever manatee meat is called, to you.

  22. Preposterous Ponderings says:

    Noooooooo don’t hurt the poor manatees!!!!!

    However, I do wonder what one would taste like with a little Shake-N-Bake coated on it and fried up real nice like.

  23. Preposterous Ponderings says:

    Noooooooo don’t hurt the poor manatees!!!!!

    However, I do wonder what one would taste like with a little Shake-N-Bake coated on it and fried up real nice like.

  24. Motorized Biker says:

    Yeah, so that’s a new ad for Harley-Davidson motorcycles.

  25. Motorized Biker says:

    Yeah, so that’s a new ad for Harley-Davidson motorcycles.

  26. Always stuff empty leather-based purses with newspaper and use shoetrees when storing leather-based sneakers and boots.

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