Archive for the ‘Christmas’ Category

>If you ever want to feel like a complete and utter failure above and beyond realizing that you probably subscribe to this blog and just laughed at the post where I shit myself or was attacked by shampoo and you may or may not have purchased one of my AMAZING COFFEE MUGS (less than $12!!) then may I suggest the following:

Build a gingerbread ANYTHING.

Example #1: The Gingerbread Shanty

My ex-wife was the first to delve into this shitty idea by first trying to build a “Gingerbread Village” with the kids.

I got this picture message from her while they were working on it:


“What the village is supposed 2 look like”

Immediately followed by this picture message:


“Our ghetto village”

Two seconds later, I get this other text from her:

“We were supposed to get 5 houses. instead we got 4 trailers and a tenament house”

And then I died laughing.

Awesome.

Ex or not, she still makes me crack the Hell up.

Example #2: Jimmy the Very Special Choo-Choo

Shortly after, the kids and I, in a fit of my infinite wisdom, tried to build a gingerbread choo-choo train because, well, I thought it would be a good idea and fun and apparently I’m really stupid.

Just before we started, I Tweeted this:


Seriously – I’ve installed toilet seats that resulted in building evacuations.

Not so handy.

Regardless, here’s what it’s supposed to look like:


This is what it ended up like:

Um…


Wow.

The resemblance to the box is uncanny.

Then I Tweeted this:

The highlight of the evening, though, was when my kids posed for pictures with the gingerbread pieces.


Awesome.

Nothing like a little bit of Nazi Germany to brighten up your holiday.

Maybe we should have just eaten the things after that instead of trying to decorate them and hearing my kids say things like, “Well..this is just horrible” and “OH NO IT’S FALLING OVER!” over and over again.

I hear that enough during sex.

Happy Holidays to you and your ghetto villagers.

Moog out.

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>This will be my last post before Christmas.

My gift to you.

*************************

..and then my daughter made me cry.

Here’s what I found on top of her Christmas list:


“A new home for dad”

Gift Category: Love.

Now…I’m not going to lie to you.

I’ve had a rough year with a ton of shitty moments that culminated with my wife and I divorcing after nearly 15 years of marriage and over 20 years of courtship.

And then there are times when I look at stuff like this and remember why I’m here on Earth to begin with.

To be their dad.

And, honestly, that’s all I could ever ever want in this entire world.

I hope you all get what you want for Christmas or Hannukah or Kwanzaa or for your Fatwa/Jihad/Infidel Burning Ceremony.

Cuz I already got what I wanted.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Moog out.

>Motivate THIS.

(points at crotch)

Nothing to see here today…

…except a custom “motivational poster” made by yours truly over at Big Huge Labs.

This one aired a while ago but it’s one of my favorites and, well, it IS almost Christmas after all so I figured this was appropriate.

Enjoy.

Here’s today’s poster for you (click to enlarge (that’s what she said)):

God I love that poster so much.

If you want to see all of my custom posters, click here or on this cute little button:


You can also purchase Authentic “Motivate THIS” Mental Poo Merchandise at the ‘Mental Poo’ store, or click any of the images below to be taken right there.

Yeah. I’m in it for the money.

Duh.

Moog out… and Merry Christmas, everyone.

>Just a quickie today (that’s what she said).

My new cell phone is “state-of-the-art” compared to my old cell phone which had rotary dial and came with one of those operator ladies who plugs the cords into the wall to connect you to the General Store so you can order more chicken feed.

My new cell phone takes video!! This excites me for several reasons…12 of which involve youporn.com but we won’t get into that right now.

So with my new video-taking, non-rotary-dial, God-I-miss-Glenda-my-phone-operator cell phone in hand with my kids at Walmart as we wandered into the “Christmas Decoration” section…

..this is shit I do with it.

God I love technology.

But I really miss Glenda.

*****************************

I will be taking a tiny Christmas break here for a few days but feel free to rewatch this over and over and over again and share it or go to my Youtube channel by clicking here or on this little icon right here:

Merry Christmas to all you Jesus people, and have a great weekend to everyone else (read: heathens).

Moog out.

>So hot on the heels of my “Divorced Person Holiday Cards,” someone commented that at least I didn’t do or get those stupid holiday letters where people write about what bullshit they and their family did over the past year.

You don’t have to ask me twice, people.

Enjoy.


Yep.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Unless you’re Jewish. Then it just looks like a regular Friday.