Archive for the ‘awards’ Category


Before I start today…I have an announcement:

I’m sterile.

Actually, that’s old news…but my son ran around the house this morning for some reason screaming:

“STAY AWAY FROM ME! I’M STERILE!”

I have no idea why.

But, hey, son:

When you’re MY age, that actually becomes a SELLING point.

Yeah…I’m lookin’ at YOU, Kate.


Where was I?

Oh..the announcement:

Ed from Ed’s Funny Pages told me that I’d been nominated for ‘Weblog of the Year’ AND ‘Best Humor Blog’ over at the 2010 Bloggies.

I don’t know what that is, but if you vote for me and I win this shit, I’ll make you all royal subjects in my giant.. um.. bloggish.. kingdom.. thingy.

No idea.

So..feel free to swing over if you feel like it and throw me a vote or – if you find a blog that’s better and funnier – you can vote for them up until the point that I hack their site and tear down everything they’ve worked for.

There can only be one king.

Thanks, everyone.

ONWARD!!!

***********************


Pain and Suffering.

Twitter-style.

The latest rage for asshole lazy bloggers is to self-promote themselves by reposting some of their own Twitter Tweets as blog posts.

I am now stooping to this level.

Actually, I’m 5′-2″ tall.

No stooping required. Already there.

Sucks.

Below are some of my very own Tweets that I’ve subjected my 12 followers to.

For Volume One click here.

The skew on this one, though:

All things of my very own pain and suffering.

Enjoy.

*************************

Yep…fucking hand is broken AGAIN. I’d say God hates me, but he did break my non-masturbation hand, so I’m on the fence.

found out this morning that playing “the stranger” with a broken hand leaves a bad case of cast rash on your weenie.

Just tried to wash ass smell off my cast hand. Came out, smelled my hand and said, ‘Ugh..pew.’ Look up…some guy staring at me. Fantastic.

Right now I have a whistling nose booger and am saying “Here comes Thomas!” in an English accent, then making it whistle. Worktime Funtime.

Typo on a flyer at work said they were giving out ‘Flew Shots’ today. Three people have died jumping off the building.

I’m totally not getting H1N1. I’m holding out for H2N2…let them work out the kinks in this one before I dive in headfirst.

Someone asked if Jesus would get a flu shot. I said ‘no’, as he now has an aversion to sharp things piercing his skin. Here I come, Hell

Home sick today. Must rest. Rest = Xbox and porn. Xbox needs to make a porn game. Maybe a better idea for Wii. I’m apparently delusional.

Nightime Cold + Mucinex + two large cups of coffee = dizziness and hallucinations & OMG OMG OMG A RAT IS EATING MY FOOT! Wait. Just my shoe.

This cold has me coughing up a ton of goopy shit. So this is what it must feel like to be Paris Hilton.

*************************

If you’re linked to me on Facebook, you may have seen these as well.

If you want to find me in either place, click here.

Twitter at: http://twitter.com/moooooog35 or you can just click this button:

Find me at Facebook by clicking here:

You’ve been warned.

Tweet.

Advertisements


I WON A MAJOR AWARD!!

No. No.

It’s not ‘World’s Smallest Penis.’

You can’t win that award twice.

It’s in the rule book.

Suits suck.

No.

I won $60 worth of free flowers over at GO! Smell the Flowers! in a caption contest.

Here’s the picture, followed by my AWARD WINNING CAPTION:


Humpty Dumpty – The Musical.” Brought to you by the “Hot Chicks and Levitating Homosexuals Theater Group.”

Fucking ay, that’s right!

Suck it, Shakespeare!

Oh.

I think he did, actually.


$60 in flowers.

Um.

$60 in flowers.

I have no idea what I’m going to do with $60 of flowers.

You see, I’m married to the one woman on the planet who HATES flowers.

Hates them.

This makes days like, oh, Valentine’s Day and our Anniversary and her birthday all that much FUCKING HARDER BECAUSE I JUST CAN’T GO OUT AND BUY SOME STUPID FUCKING FLOWERS!!!

Noooooooooooooo.


Instead, I’m the one guy on the fucking planet who actually has to come up with creative and different IDEAS on what to get my wife.

Yes.

I have to THINK about what to get her.

No man should have to do this shit.

It’s fucking tiring.

This XBox isn’t going to play itself.

Did I mention she’s allergic to everything except GOLD?

(anyone smell scam? anyone?)

By the way, I’ve known my wife since 1988.

I exhausted the goddamn jewelry avenue years ago.

She looks like Mr. T but with more hair.

(she tans a lot)


So, I suppose I kind of have to wait for someone to die or something.

If anyone out there wants to volunteer, let me know.

I got some nice flowers for ya.

Moog out.


Just doing some general housekeeping today.

And, I might add, I look friggin’ awesome in this French Maid’s outfit.

Although this feather duster is really killing my sphincter and I may be bleeding out.

Oh.

You DUST with it.

Forget I said anything.

ONWARD!

Item #1: Johnny has a great heart, but he’s slower than shit

First, I have to mention that my buddy John is running the Boston Marathon once again for his niece, his father, and all people battling blood cancers.

To read John’s story of why he’s running, click here:

To donate to John’s cause, click on the left of my blog, or click here.

To read your horoscope, click here.

To read about me shitting all over John when he couldn’t break the four-hour mark of the Boston Marathon last year, click here.

Sometimes, friends are mean.

GUILTY!!


Here’s the Instant Message session I had with him when I told him I was going to try to get him some money for his worthy cause.

******************
midgetmanofsteel: hey douche

John: whats up

midgetmanofsteel: fyi – pimping your marathon run on Monday

John: thanks. you gonna shit on me again?

midgetmanofsteel: yep.

John: thanks. I appreciate it

midgetmanofsteel: what are friends for.

John: too bad I’m such a sensitive guy

midgetmanofsteel: they have sprays that will numb your anus for that.
****************

Nothing like, “hey douche” to set the tone for the conversation with a friend who’s running to benefit cancer research.

I’m a good friend.


(yes…that’s one of mine)

Also, ladies:

He’s single.

As such, if you could blow him in lieu of a donation, I’m sure he’d appreciate it.

Shit.

I’D run the marathon I could get that deal.

No.

No I wouldn’t.

Jesus H. Christ…I break a goddamn sweat when I go poop.

I can’t imagine what would happen if I tried to run a marath…

…hold on…

…one sec…

..was typing pretty fast there and got winded.


Item #2: I’m Special in a small-bus way

Foster Mom to Many from over at “Postcards from Insanity” gave me an award.

By the way, ‘Postcards from Insanity’ would be a great name for a rock band.

Here’s the award:


Um.

Thanks?

What the fuck is that? A lemonade stand?

How is that an award?

It’s a picture of a cart where some illegal immigrant named “Guapo” gets paid to hawk salmonella infested lemons in Central Park because he forgets to wash his hands after he shits in his pickle jar.

Gee.

Thanks.

OH! OH!

Here’s one from me for you guys out there…

…who go above and beyond with their blogs:


Yeah.

It’s a fucking thimble.

Congratulations, you’ve earned it!

I’m kidding, Foster Mom…I’ll post my lemonade stand with pride.

Just. Like. Guapo.

Item #3: But Wait…There’s More!

Can’t wait to see what it is.

Given the way these things are going…

…I’m guessing it’s a picture of a plywood shelf or some shit.

Oh.

Here it is.


Great.

It’s fucking upside-down.

I had to turn my laptop over to read it.

On a related note:

Flicked boogers may dislodge from your keyboard when you flip it over.

Man – I hope they’re mine.

Just a helpful tip there.

Apparently the award says:

“Fucking Fabulous Blog”

Cool.

This will go nicely next to my lemonade stand.

Move your immigrant ass over, Guapo before I call the fucking INS on you, your 17 kids and their pickle jars full of shit.

Thanks in advance.

*********************

In all seriousness, though – thanks for the awards guys.

They mean a lot.

(I like to lie – it makes people feel better)

I’m supposed to follow some rules or shit about handing out these out to other people, but – as you may or may not know – I have my own award I give out:


So, without further ado…

Have a nice day.

I’m not giving any out today.

This post was long (that’s what she said)

…and now I’m all tired and sweaty.

Stupid cardio.

Also, these boogers ain’t gonna clean themselves off my desk.

Well..maybe this one over here.

It’s moving on it’s own.

Slowly.

Just. Like. John.

Go send him some money to help some really sick people.

He’s a good guy.

You know…for a slow douche.

Moog out.


Just doing some general housekeeping today.

And, I might add, I look friggin’ awesome in this French Maid’s outfit.

Although this feather duster is really killing my sphincter and I may be bleeding out.

Oh.

You DUST with it.

Forget I said anything.

ONWARD!

Item #1: Johnny has a great heart, but he’s slower than shit

First, I have to mention that my buddy John is running the Boston Marathon once again for his niece, his father, and all people battling blood cancers.

To read John’s story of why he’s running, click here:

To donate to John’s cause, click on the left of my blog, or click here.

To read your horoscope, click here.

To read about me shitting all over John when he couldn’t break the four-hour mark of the Boston Marathon last year, click here.

Sometimes, friends are mean.

GUILTY!!


Here’s the Instant Message session I had with him when I told him I was going to try to get him some money for his worthy cause.

******************
midgetmanofsteel: hey douche

John: whats up

midgetmanofsteel: fyi – pimping your marathon run on Monday

John: thanks. you gonna shit on me again?

midgetmanofsteel: yep.

John: thanks. I appreciate it

midgetmanofsteel: what are friends for.

John: too bad I’m such a sensitive guy

midgetmanofsteel: they have sprays that will numb your anus for that.
****************

Nothing like, “hey douche” to set the tone for the conversation with a friend who’s running to benefit cancer research.

I’m a good friend.


(yes…that’s one of mine)

Also, ladies:

He’s single.

As such, if you could blow him in lieu of a donation, I’m sure he’d appreciate it.

Shit.

I’D run the marathon I could get that deal.

No.

No I wouldn’t.

Jesus H. Christ…I break a goddamn sweat when I go poop.

I can’t imagine what would happen if I tried to run a marath…

…hold on…

…one sec…

..was typing pretty fast there and got winded.


Item #2: I’m Special in a small-bus way

Foster Mom to Many from over at “Postcards from Insanity” gave me an award.

By the way, ‘Postcards from Insanity’ would be a great name for a rock band.

Here’s the award:


Um.

Thanks?

What the fuck is that? A lemonade stand?

How is that an award?

It’s a picture of a cart where some illegal immigrant named “Guapo” gets paid to hawk salmonella infested lemons in Central Park because he forgets to wash his hands after he shits in his pickle jar.

Gee.

Thanks.

OH! OH!

Here’s one from me for you guys out there…

…who go above and beyond with their blogs:


Yeah.

It’s a fucking thimble.

Congratulations, you’ve earned it!

I’m kidding, Foster Mom…I’ll post my lemonade stand with pride.

Just. Like. Guapo.

Item #3: But Wait…There’s More!

Can’t wait to see what it is.

Given the way these things are going…

…I’m guessing it’s a picture of a plywood shelf or some shit.

Oh.

Here it is.


Great.

It’s fucking upside-down.

I had to turn my laptop over to read it.

On a related note:

Flicked boogers may dislodge from your keyboard when you flip it over.

Man – I hope they’re mine.

Just a helpful tip there.

Apparently the award says:

“Fucking Fabulous Blog”

Cool.

This will go nicely next to my lemonade stand.

Move your immigrant ass over, Guapo before I call the fucking INS on you, your 17 kids and their pickle jars full of shit.

Thanks in advance.

*********************

In all seriousness, though – thanks for the awards guys.

They mean a lot.

(I like to lie – it makes people feel better)

I’m supposed to follow some rules or shit about handing out these out to other people, but – as you may or may not know – I have my own award I give out:


So, without further ado…

Have a nice day.

I’m not giving any out today.

This post was long (that’s what she said)

…and now I’m all tired and sweaty.

Stupid cardio.

Also, these boogers ain’t gonna clean themselves off my desk.

Well..maybe this one over here.

It’s moving on it’s own.

Slowly.

Just. Like. John.

Go send him some money to help some really sick people.

He’s a good guy.

You know…for a slow douche.

Moog out.

Before I start, I have a new movie review of Get Smart over on Moog’s Movie Reviews.”

Carry on.

*****************

It’s gloat time.

This weekend, my five year old son had his first ever karate tournament.

He participated in four events:

1) Forms
2) Self Defense
3) Sparring
4) Trying to bang Elisabeth Shue

Woops.

I’m thinking of the other karate kid for #4.

Three events.

How did he do?

Take a look:


F*CKING AY THAT’S RIGHT!

Two FIRST PLACE trophies and a Fourth Place trophy.

The f*cking Fourth Place showing is nothing but a disappointment.

We’ll have to work a little harder at destroying his childhood and taking all the fun out of karate if he wants to please me.

I’m kidding.

(not really)


He did AWESOME. Fourth place in Self Defense, first place in Forms and first place in Sparring.

I was videotaping the whole thing, with my wife by my side.

She had never seen my son spar/fight in karate.

As he’s clearly kicking everyone’s ass getting point after point (as a side note, they frown upon parents screaming “SWEEP THE LEG!”), she’s subconciously grabbing my arm and shaking it.

As such, the video of the event looks like it was taken either by a California store’s security camera during an earthquake, or someone with f*cking Parkinson’s Disease.

Thanks hon. Quite the shaky memory we’ve made there.

Super proud of you, Cam. Super proud.

****************

Also, just an award acknowledgement from Kellie over at Beauty is in the Eye of the Beer Holder.”

Kellie awarded me this:


The “Uber Amazing Blog” award.

Awesome.

The only time I’ve ever been called “Uber” anything is when I neglected to tell my girlfriend in High School that I was nearing…um…completion while getting a BJ.

Her response when the time came:

“mm…mm….Ga..UUUBBBERR!!

I don’t think she was actually saying “Uber,” but the choking sure did sound like it.

I’m supposed to ‘tag’ other blogs to give this award to. But homey don’t play that way.

The only time I tag other people is when I’m finished with my turn at the gang bang.

Even then, I’m not a big fan of slapping hands. Too gooey.


I also like this part of the award:

“Keep it Up.”

Keep it up?

Apparently, you don’t know me very well.

I need pills for that shit.

Speaking of ‘keeping it up’…I’m off to rent “Karate Kid.

Mmmm…

Elisabeth Shue.

Thanks, Kellie! This is much appreciated.

Everyone else, go check her site out – well worth the read.

Moog out.