Let me explain.
When my dog died last year, we went out and got ourselves a new dog.
When that dog didn’t work out, we got two more until we FINALLY found one that fit.
Sometimes, you have to commit a few animals to death before you find one you can live with.
It’s like the whole “making omelets/breaking eggs thing” but it involves kill shelters.
I’m totally putting that on a billboard.
Blankets, cushions, chairs, toys, remote controls, tissues…
It’s almost easier to list shit that she HASN’T tried to eat.
Let’s try that.
Here’s a complete list of things Sophie HASN’T eaten:
I think that’s pretty much it.
The problem is that we’ve tried to discipline her and teach her NOT to eat things.
Here’s how that goes:
1) Walk into house
2) See this:
It’s at this point we do something like this:
“SOPHIE!! BAD GIRL!! BAD. GIRL!!”
At which point, Sophie does…
What the fuck just happened?
You immediately start to yell at her and *PLOP* down she goes all cute and shit.
There is no defense.
3) Go into a different room
4) See THIS:
“SO-PHIIIEEE! SOPHIE YOU ARE A BAD, BAD...”
“THAT’S A BAD BAD Girl awwww who’s daddy’s cutie? Is it you? Yes it is. Yes it is. I got your belly.”
I don’t even know who I am any more.
5) From the kitchen…
Wife: “OH, SOPHIE!”
“SOPHIE?!? REALLY?!? WHY CAN’T WE JUST LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR…“
If Al Qaeda ever figures out how to do this WE’RE FUCKED.
Maybe we should keep this under wraps.
National security and all.