Envelope.
PUSHED.
It’s what cookie season does to me.
Girl Scout Cookie season.
Yeah.
I’m the father of a Girl Scout.
Yay. Me.
So, as part of my fatherly duties, I have to do the whole ‘bring the form into work and pimp the shit out of these cookies.’
HOW I get them sold, though…
…is an art form in and of itself.
Like many Nigerians with bad grammar looking to give away their fortune…
I prefer to solicit people using email.
I’m still waiting to hear back from Niknuk Pokalok who has bestooned upon me the sum of $10,50 k euros dollars in haste, but whatever.
But I need to top myself year after year.
It makes me a better person.
And by ‘better’ I mean ‘much, much worse.’
Here is the actual email I sent out this year to my coworkers.
No shit.
**********************
Well,
It’s that time of year again where I make a plea on behalf of my daughter to try to sell Girl Scout cookies.
I know the economy is bad.
I know that the holidays are just finishing and you probably feel fat and stuff and are all, like, ‘COOKIES?! NOW?! I just had pie for two weeks straight!’
But if you don’t buy at least one box of cookies from my daughter you will crush. Her. Soul.
Also, I may do harm to a small animal if it really comes to that. *
You don’t want all that hanging over your conscience, do you?
I wouldn’t. That’s why I’ve bought two boxes myself.
Seriously, this is a cute kitty. She doesn’t deserve it. *
I have the order form at my desk or – if you’re interested – let me know and I’ll swing by.
Cookies are $3.50 a box, or two for $7.00.
(I did the math FOR you! See how easy I make it!)
Buy a cookie. Save a kitten.
Thanks in advance!
P.S,
* I’m TOTALLY just kidding about the kitten. I’m allergic to cats.
The ‘crushing my daughter’s soul’ thing though is totally legit.
Rod
**********************
Then I sent it.
Yes, I threatened to hurt a kitten in an email about Girl Scout cookies.
Then I waited for Human Resources to show up.
They didn’t.
?!?!?
TASTELESSNESS WIN! THAT’S HOW YOU DO IT, KATHY GRIFFIN! SUCK MY TOES!
So here’s to seeing if I top the 40 boxes of cookies I sold last year by telling them to buy cookies instead of helping starving Ethiopians.
You know, the whole ‘have to top myself’ thing.
That’s what she said.
That made no sense.
Buy a cookie. Save a kitten.
There.
That’s better.
Moog out.
Mental Poo 