Octagons, Clean Balloons, and Dwarves Asking for Juice

Posted: March 11, 2010 in kids, parenting

Today a special ‘Clip ‘n’ Save’ edition of Mental Poo.

The Top Ten Hints that you may have children:

1) There are small people running around your house asking you for juice.

Seriously, though.

Who the fuck has juice in their house?

No one. No one should have juice in their house if they’re over the age of 8.

But kudos to you if you own a house and you’re only 8 years old.

That’s some impressive shit right there.

2) The main foyer in your house has a fighting octagon stuck to the hardwood made from painter’s tape.

Because nothing screams ‘classy home’ like a bright blue imitation death-match cage in the middle of your goddamn floor.


3) This blinding headache just WON’T. GO. AWAY.

This is usually surrounded by episodes where you find yourself screaming shit like, “SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UUUUUUPPPP!” or “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET OFF YOUR SISTER!!”

I’m sure that’s standard shit in Tennessee.

4) You find shit like this in your bathroom trash:

If you find stuff like this, you should burn it immediately or else this may become the prosecution’s ‘Exhibit A.’

Because part of being a parent is protecting your children unless OMG OMG SHUT UP SHUT UP AND FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST GET WHY ARE YOU STILL ON TOP OF YOUR SISTER?!?!?

Seriously. Someone fucking kill me.

5) The term ‘sleeping in’ now means ‘any time you can wake up after 6 a.m.’

But no matter what time you wake there are small people wandering around your house still asking you for JUICE.

Shit like this is why God invented bear traps.

Juice before 6 a.m? Sure kids..why don’t you go get your cup and KABAM!!

* goes back to bed

6) You find shit like this randomly lying around the house:

Although this typically may prove that you have children…

..it may also be the first clue in coming to grips that you’re a pedophile.

7) There are hamsters in your house.

This typically means you have a kid unless you live in an area of the country where wild free-range hamsters roam the countryside and infiltrate your home quite possibly through the use of crowbars while driving around scoping out neighborhoods in their Kia.

Is anyone else freaked out by the giant Kia hamsters? I wouldn’t buy a fucking Kia just BECAUSE there’s a possibility that there’s hamster shit in it and I could contract fucking salmonella.

Which I suppose I could get anyway from undercooked Pad Thai.


Man..they get you no matter what.

8) You randomly look up from whatever you’re doing and see this kind of crap hanging around:

This usually means you have kids, or love Satan, or maybe that pedophilia thing you’ve got is a little worse than you thought (see #6).

9) You’ve started calling your penis something like ‘your wiggly’ or ‘your jiggy’ instead of ‘Thor the Hammer God’ or ‘Mr. Sprinkles.’

You may also refer to vaginas as ‘toolies’ or ‘hoo-ha’s’ or, in some extreme cases, ‘front bum.’

Dignity now escapes you.

10) You go to take a shower in a seldom-used bathroom in your house and you find this upon opening the curtain:


Somehow the simple act of taking a shower has now evolved into party cleanup involving several balloons.

Although, come to think of it, this may also double as your luring device.

Seriously, dude…you may need to get some help.


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