I was tagged by Grottynosh to answer the following things:
1. I love to eat:
2. I hate to eat:
3. I love to go:
4. I hate to go:
5. I love it when:
6. I hate it when:
7. I love to see:
8. I hate to see:
9. I love to hear:
10. I hate to hear:
Without further ado, here we go:
#1: I Love to eat:
I Love to Eat: (real answer censored)
2: I hate to eat:
I Hate to Eat: Penises.
Actually, I’ve never tried one…
…but I’m going out on a limb here and assume that I really, really wouldn’t like it.
(Please refrain from the “don’t knock it til you try it” shpeel…just AIN’T gonna happen)
Plus…you know…not being gay and all that (see #1).
#3: I love to go:
I Love to Go: Poo.
I LOVE going poo.
If I could sit on the toilet all day squishing out little brown canoes, I’d do it.
Really…
I’d pack a lunch and make a day out of it.
Unfortunately, there’s probably not much money in it, and I’d eventually have to get a job of some type.
Hey…wait a minute…
…how do they test toilet paper?
#4: I hate to go:
I Hate to Go: To church.
If I had the choices of going to church, or viewing a slide show of Renee Zellweger pictures (my second choice here), I’d honestly have to choose the slide show.
It’s not that church is a BAD thing.
It’s that every time I go to church it feels like I’m sitting in the back row of a meeting that’s selling Girl Scout cookies.
a) I can’t f*cking SEE because people STAND up and…
b) You feel like you’ll burn if you don’t give them money.
My daughter is a Girl Scout.
Trust me…if you don’t buy her goddamn cookies when I ask you, I’ll make you pay.
You cheap prick.
#5: I love it when:
I Love it When: I have more than $3 in my wallet at the end of the week.
SCORE.
This is a rare and exciting occurrence.
Much like myself getting a full erection.
Um…
..I fear I’ve said too much.
#6: I hate it when:
I Hate it When: I get to work and realize that I have to talk to stupid f*cksh*ts all day.
However, work IS bittersweet, as I am able to kill approximately an hour of my day going poop and, subsequently, getting paid for that time (see item #3).
#7: I love to see:
I Love to See: Porn.
’nuff said.
8. I hate to see:
I Hate to See: Gay Porn.
Not lesbian gay porn, that’s different (and, actually, my preferred pornography).
I’m talking sausage-fest, moustache-on-moustache, this-reminds-me-of-soccer-camp Gay Porn.
#9: I love to hear:
I Love to Hear:
“Your wiggly is gigantic!”
…or…
“You’re the best lover, ever!”
Again, as in my assumed disdain for penis-eating, I’ve never experienced either of the above as well…
…I’m just assuming that it’s something I’d be happy to hear.
My dog just whimpers.
But if she could talk…OH YEAH.
*sigh*
My other choice in this category is:
“Would you like hash with your eggs?”
Oh yeah, baby. Sling it on.
#10: I hate to hear:
I Hate to Hear: Rachael Ray.
Whenever my wife is watching her, all I can think of is jamming a pencil in my ear to just MAKE THE SOUND STOP.
I believe the Gospel of the Lord says it best:
On the sixth day, God invented Rachael Ray.
On the seventh, he invented the “mute” button.
(can you tell that I really don’t pay attention in church?)
My other choice here for sh*t I hate to listen to is:
People flossing their teeth.
This drives me ABSOLUTELY F*CKING CRAZY.
This usually only bothers me when I’m at work, going poo (again, see #3).
I’m sitting there…in the quiet…minding my own business…
…when outside of the stall…at the sink…I hear…
click-click-tick-tick-click-clock-tock-tick-tick
…it’s like a huge parade of tap-dancing mice is running around on the sink.
clickety-click-tick-tock-tick-clickety-clickety-click
HOW CAN I CONCENTRATE ON MY GUT-WRENCHING BOWEL MOVEMENT WITH ALL THAT F*CKING CLICKING GOING ON?!?!?!?
Mother of Christ – floss at home!!!
Listen, jackass, the pad thai you had at lunchtime isn’t going to rot your teeth before then, anyway. Save me the anguish.
Asshole.
Hey…”Floss-guy“…
…maybe you should eat penises.
I hear they don’t get stuck in your teeth.
Mental Poo 