My Magnetic Personality

So, my shoulder is all f*cked up.

Today, I have an MRI.

I believe “MRI” stands for:

“Mental Retardation Inquisition”

Me hopes me pass it. Squid are blue and treat me like candy!

..anyway..

An MRI…

It’s a giant magnetic tube.

Not unlike what I found in my mom’s nightstand as a boy.

I still have nightmares.

I swear that thing growled at me.

..but I digress…

In order to schedule this, I had to call the MRI center for a pre-screening question-and-answer session.

Here are some of the questions:

1) Do you have any allergies?

I contemplated saying “cats” here…

…as I’m highly allergic to cats.

But I highly doubt they have cats in the MRI room.

But if they do, I’m so totally f*cked.

That will suck.

2) Have you ever had fractures or broken bones requiring plates or screws?

No, but if I could have abdominal surgery and have plates put in where my stomach muscles are supposed to be…I’d appreciate it.

Abs of Steel.

That…and when they do surgery on my shoulder, I want them to put a big metal plate in there…

…like a shoulder pad.

I’d be able to carry GIGANTIC logs without worry…people would come from miles to see “The Amazing Metal Shoulder Guy.”

Awesome.

3) Do you have any prosthetics or fake eyeballs?

No.

Not yet.

…but I plan on another trip to Canada soon and this answer may change depending on how drunk I am and how bad of a beating I take.

F*cking Canadians.

On another note, a pirate would probably have to say “yes” to both.

I wish I was a pirate sometimes.

Nurse: “Do you have any prosthetics?

Pirate: “Aye”

Nurse: “Do you have any fake eyes?”

Pirate: “Aye.”

Parrot: “He manscapes…smooth balls…smoooooth balls”

(Pirate kills parrot)

Pirates are awesome.

4) Boxers or briefs?

This one threw me…

…as I had to say the third option, “Boxer-briefs.”

I’m not sure what this has to do with a shoulder MRI…

…but hey, they’re doctors, they know what they’re doing.

Right?

Right?!

5) Any operations or surgery done?

At first, I said, “No.”

Then, I remembered that I recently had my balls ripped apart in an effort to render myself sterile.

I’m thinking:

“Oh SH*T…do they put STAPLES in there?!”

I’m suddenly picturing myself laying in the MRI chamber…

…when suddenly…

…my testicles pop out of my pants…

*POP*

…and stretch themselves into my field of vision, up and over my head like Silly Putty…

…magnetically slamming into the MRI machine above me.

*CLANK!!*

Panicked, I call back and tell the nurse this.

“Not a worry“, she says.

*PHEW*

…although..now I’m considering getting a Prince Albert done.

You know…stretch the sh*t out of my little guy.

SOMETHING good has to come from all of this.

Might as well be a bigger wiggly.

6) Can you get yourself off the table yourself?

Christ, I hope so.

Off shouldn’t be a problem, because being this small I virtually float in the air.

That’s right.

Being this size, I defy gravity.

It’s the getting ON the table that I’m worried about.

How high is the table?

Because I’m only 5 feet tall and may need a “ten finger” boost from someone to get me ON the thing.

Unless there are cats…

…because then I’ll need “ten claws.”

I hope there aren’t cats.

That will suck.

http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com

My Magnetic Personality

So, my shoulder is all f*cked up.

Today, I have an MRI.

I believe “MRI” stands for:

“Mental Retardation Inquisition”

Me hopes me pass it. Squid are blue and treat me like candy!

..anyway..

An MRI…

It’s a giant magnetic tube.

Not unlike what I found in my mom’s nightstand as a boy.

I still have nightmares.

I swear that thing growled at me.

..but I digress…

In order to schedule this, I had to call the MRI center for a pre-screening question-and-answer session.

Here are some of the questions:

1) Do you have any allergies?

I contemplated saying “cats” here…

…as I’m highly allergic to cats.

But I highly doubt they have cats in the MRI room.

But if they do, I’m so totally f*cked.

That will suck.

2) Have you ever had fractures or broken bones requiring plates or screws?

No, but if I could have abdominal surgery and have plates put in where my stomach muscles are supposed to be…I’d appreciate it.

Abs of Steel.

That…and when they do surgery on my shoulder, I want them to put a big metal plate in there…

…like a shoulder pad.

I’d be able to carry GIGANTIC logs without worry…people would come from miles to see “The Amazing Metal Shoulder Guy.”

Awesome.

3) Do you have any prosthetics or fake eyeballs?

No.

Not yet.

…but I plan on another trip to Canada soon and this answer may change depending on how drunk I am and how bad of a beating I take.

F*cking Canadians.

On another note, a pirate would probably have to say “yes” to both.

I wish I was a pirate sometimes.

Nurse: “Do you have any prosthetics?

Pirate: “Aye”

Nurse: “Do you have any fake eyes?”

Pirate: “Aye.”

Parrot: “He manscapes…smooth balls…smoooooth balls”

(Pirate kills parrot)

Pirates are awesome.

4) Boxers or briefs?

This one threw me…

…as I had to say the third option, “Boxer-briefs.”

I’m not sure what this has to do with a shoulder MRI…

…but hey, they’re doctors, they know what they’re doing.

Right?

Right?!

5) Any operations or surgery done?

At first, I said, “No.”

Then, I remembered that I recently had my balls ripped apart in an effort to render myself sterile.

I’m thinking:

“Oh SH*T…do they put STAPLES in there?!”

I’m suddenly picturing myself laying in the MRI chamber…

…when suddenly…

…my testicles pop out of my pants…

*POP*

…and stretch themselves into my field of vision, up and over my head like Silly Putty…

…magnetically slamming into the MRI machine above me.

*CLANK!!*

Panicked, I call back and tell the nurse this.

“Not a worry“, she says.

*PHEW*

…although..now I’m considering getting a Prince Albert done.

You know…stretch the sh*t out of my little guy.

SOMETHING good has to come from all of this.

Might as well be a bigger wiggly.

6) Can you get yourself off the table yourself?

Christ, I hope so.

Off shouldn’t be a problem, because being this small I virtually float in the air.

That’s right.

Being this size, I defy gravity.

It’s the getting ON the table that I’m worried about.

How high is the table?

Because I’m only 5 feet tall and may need a “ten finger” boost from someone to get me ON the thing.

Unless there are cats…

…because then I’ll need “ten claws.”

I hope there aren’t cats.

That will suck.

http://midgetmanofsteel.blogspot.com

My Magnetic Personality

So, my shoulder is all f*cked up.

Today, I have an MRI.

I believe “MRI” stands for:

“Mental Retardation Inquisition”

Me hopes me pass it. Squid are blue and treat me like candy!

..anyway..

An MRI…

It’s a giant magnetic tube.

Not unlike what I found in my mom’s nightstand as a boy.

I still have nightmares.

I swear that thing growled at me.

..but I digress…

In order to schedule this, I had to call the MRI center for a pre-screening question-and-answer session.

Here are some of the questions:

1) Do you have any allergies?

I contemplated saying “cats” here…

…as I’m highly allergic to cats.

But I highly doubt they have cats in the MRI room.

But if they do, I’m so totally f*cked.

That will suck.

2) Have you ever had fractures or broken bones requiring plates or screws?

No, but if I could have abdominal surgery and have plates put in where my stomach muscles are supposed to be…I’d appreciate it.

Abs of Steel.

That…and when they do surgery on my shoulder, I want them to put a big metal plate in there…

…like a shoulder pad.

I’d be able to carry GIGANTIC logs without worry…people would come from miles to see “The Amazing Metal Shoulder Guy.”

Awesome.

3) Do you have any prosthetics or fake eyeballs?

No.

Not yet.

…but I plan on another trip to Canada soon and this answer may change depending on how drunk I am and how bad of a beating I take.

F*cking Canadians.

On another note, a pirate would probably have to say “yes” to both.

I wish I was a pirate sometimes.

Nurse: “Do you have any prosthetics?

Pirate: “Aye”

Nurse: “Do you have any fake eyes?”

Pirate: “Aye.”

Parrot: “He manscapes…smooth balls…smoooooth balls”

(Pirate kills parrot)

Pirates are awesome.

4) Boxers or briefs?

This one threw me…

…as I had to say the third option, “Boxer-briefs.”

I’m not sure what this has to do with a shoulder MRI…

…but hey, they’re doctors, they know what they’re doing.

Right?

Right?!

5) Any operations or surgery done?

At first, I said, “No.”

Then, I remembered that I recently had my balls ripped apart in an effort to render myself sterile.

I’m thinking:

“Oh SH*T…do they put STAPLES in there?!”

I’m suddenly picturing myself laying in the MRI chamber…

…when suddenly…

…my testicles pop out of my pants…

*POP*

…and stretch themselves into my field of vision, up and over my head like Silly Putty…

…magnetically slamming into the MRI machine above me.

*CLANK!!*

Panicked, I call back and tell the nurse this.

“Not a worry“, she says.

*PHEW*

…although..now I’m considering getting a Prince Albert done.

You know…stretch the sh*t out of my little guy.

SOMETHING good has to come from all of this.

Might as well be a bigger wiggly.

6) Can you get yourself off the table yourself?

Christ, I hope so.

Off shouldn’t be a problem, because being this small I virtually float in the air.

That’s right.

Being this size, I defy gravity.

It’s the getting ON the table that I’m worried about.

How high is the table?

Because I’m only 5 feet tall and may need a “ten finger” boost from someone to get me ON the thing.

Unless there are cats…

…because then I’ll need “ten claws.”

I hope there aren’t cats.

That will suck.

http://midgetmanofsteel.blogspot.com

Resolution Calling

I won’t be posting tomorrow…as it’s New Year’s Day.

..not that I’ll be hungover or anything, as having two kids and absolutely no stamina leads me to bed somewhere around – oh – 9:30.

I so suck.

When you’re 39 years old, and have to come to grips with the fact that you can’t stay up later than Dick F*cking Clark, it’s depressing.

So, anyway:

Happy New Years.

(Begin Public Service Announcement)

Oh yeah, also please don’t die.

…as if I’m going to make ANY money writing this sh*t, I need readers.

(End of Public Service Announcement)

As a quick post for today, let me leave you with a few things I’m planning for in the year 2008:

1) Help OJ Simpson find the real killer

Tops on my list.

2) Watch less porn.

Not gonna happen, but thought I’d throw it out there.

3) Get my shoulder fixed.

As I sit here typing this, my left arm is fairly immobilized with pain.

…which means that it hurts only a little…as I’m a real pussy and can’t tolerate much at all.

Although, if it’s like this much longer, I may pull it off.

…or change Othopedists…

I haven’t decided yet.

It’s a toss-up at this point, really.

As I’m a righty…and whack my pee-pee with my right arm.

My left is used primarily for clapping (and, thus, turning my house lights on and off), and using my car’s directional.

So if the “changing doctors” thing doesn’t work out, I may just rip the f*cking thing off.

4) Answer one of my “Giant Penis” emails.

I get, like, four of these a day.

Here’s the latest one:

Subject: Ge t HUGE fa st! Women like Largess Pe Ni5

Now..granted whoever sent this can’t, apparently, really type very well or speak English…

…but he’s right about one thing:

The Women Like Largess Penis

I can’t WAIT to have a largess penis.

I wonder what it is…

…and what kind of packaging it comes in.

I got another one today:

Subject: Increase your main love muscle without tiresome exercises!

Wait…

…there’s…

EXERCISES?!?!?!

I didn’t know there were exercises for this!!

…I need to sign up for this sh*t at the gym.

..wait a minute…

If they’re talking about masturbation as the exercise then forget it.

…as I’m considered the Jack LaLanne of self-pleasurization.

If there was a masturbatory tri-athalon, I’d SO win.

…I wonder what the events would be:

Event #1: Fastest to Spooge

I doubt they’d call it “spooge” (this is a professional event, after all), but…

CHECK.

Event #2: Tossing Glue

This one’s for distance.

(alternate name for this event: “Long Pump”)

This one depends on how often I go between “shots” and relies on a specific amount of backpressure.

Here’s where I have the advantage…

…you see…

I’m like a sex camel.

I can go for weeks.

Unfortunately.

*sigh*

Anyway…

CHECK.

Event #3: Shot Put

No..not shotput.

Shot PUT.

A test of Accuracy.

I’m thinking this is like one of those carnival “knock the clowns down” events..

…but instead of clown faces, you have pictures of women.

…and instead of baseballs, you have…well…

…goo.

Anyway…I’m going to answer one of these emails.

If for no other reason than just to find out what a largess penis is.

Have a Happy New Years, everyone.

Don’t forget to send me money.

But don’t do it after 9:30 p.m., I’ll be sleeping…

…with my largess penis.

http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com

Resolution Calling

I won’t be posting tomorrow…as it’s New Year’s Day.

..not that I’ll be hungover or anything, as having two kids and absolutely no stamina leads me to bed somewhere around – oh – 9:30.

I so suck.

When you’re 39 years old, and have to come to grips with the fact that you can’t stay up later than Dick F*cking Clark, it’s depressing.

So, anyway:

Happy New Years.

(Begin Public Service Announcement)

Oh yeah, also please don’t die.

…as if I’m going to make ANY money writing this sh*t, I need readers.

(End of Public Service Announcement)

As a quick post for today, let me leave you with a few things I’m planning for in the year 2008:

1) Help OJ Simpson find the real killer

Tops on my list.

2) Watch less porn.

Not gonna happen, but thought I’d throw it out there.

3) Get my shoulder fixed.

As I sit here typing this, my left arm is fairly immobilized with pain.

…which means that it hurts only a little…as I’m a real pussy and can’t tolerate much at all.

Although, if it’s like this much longer, I may pull it off.

…or change Othopedists…

I haven’t decided yet.

It’s a toss-up at this point, really.

As I’m a righty…and whack my pee-pee with my right arm.

My left is used primarily for clapping (and, thus, turning my house lights on and off), and using my car’s directional.

So if the “changing doctors” thing doesn’t work out, I may just rip the f*cking thing off.

4) Answer one of my “Giant Penis” emails.

I get, like, four of these a day.

Here’s the latest one:

Subject: Ge t HUGE fa st! Women like Largess Pe Ni5

Now..granted whoever sent this can’t, apparently, really type very well or speak English…

…but he’s right about one thing:

The Women Like Largess Penis

I can’t WAIT to have a largess penis.

I wonder what it is…

…and what kind of packaging it comes in.

I got another one today:

Subject: Increase your main love muscle without tiresome exercises!

Wait…

…there’s…

EXERCISES?!?!?!

I didn’t know there were exercises for this!!

…I need to sign up for this sh*t at the gym.

..wait a minute…

If they’re talking about masturbation as the exercise then forget it.

…as I’m considered the Jack LaLanne of self-pleasurization.

If there was a masturbatory tri-athalon, I’d SO win.

…I wonder what the events would be:

Event #1: Fastest to Spooge

I doubt they’d call it “spooge” (this is a professional event, after all), but…

CHECK.

Event #2: Tossing Glue

This one’s for distance.

(alternate name for this event: “Long Pump”)

This one depends on how often I go between “shots” and relies on a specific amount of backpressure.

Here’s where I have the advantage…

…you see…

I’m like a sex camel.

I can go for weeks.

Unfortunately.

*sigh*

Anyway…

CHECK.

Event #3: Shot Put

No..not shotput.

Shot PUT.

A test of Accuracy.

I’m thinking this is like one of those carnival “knock the clowns down” events..

…but instead of clown faces, you have pictures of women.

…and instead of baseballs, you have…well…

…goo.

Anyway…I’m going to answer one of these emails.

If for no other reason than just to find out what a largess penis is.

Have a Happy New Years, everyone.

Don’t forget to send me money.

But don’t do it after 9:30 p.m., I’ll be sleeping…

…with my largess penis.

http://midgetmanofsteel.blogspot.com