Resolution Calling

Posted: December 26, 2007 in about me


I won’t be posting tomorrow…as it’s New Year’s Day.

..not that I’ll be hungover or anything, as having two kids and absolutely no stamina leads me to bed somewhere around – oh – 9:30.

I so suck.

When you’re 39 years old, and have to come to grips with the fact that you can’t stay up later than Dick F*cking Clark, it’s depressing.


So, anyway:

Happy New Years.

(Begin Public Service Announcement)

Oh yeah, also please don’t die.

…as if I’m going to make ANY money writing this sh*t, I need readers.

(End of Public Service Announcement)

As a quick post for today, let me leave you with a few things I’m planning for in the year 2008:

1) Help OJ Simpson find the real killer

Tops on my list.


2) Watch less porn.

Not gonna happen, but thought I’d throw it out there.


3) Get my shoulder fixed.

As I sit here typing this, my left arm is fairly immobilized with pain.

…which means that it hurts only a little…as I’m a real pussy and can’t tolerate much at all.

Although, if it’s like this much longer, I may pull it off.

…or change Othopedists…

I haven’t decided yet.

It’s a toss-up at this point, really.

As I’m a righty…and whack my pee-pee with my right arm.

My left is used primarily for clapping (and, thus, turning my house lights on and off), and using my car’s directional.

So if the “changing doctors” thing doesn’t work out, I may just rip the f*cking thing off.


4) Answer one of my “Giant Penis” emails.

I get, like, four of these a day.

Here’s the latest one:

Subject: Ge t HUGE fa st! Women like Largess Pe Ni5

Now..granted whoever sent this can’t, apparently, really type very well or speak English…

…but he’s right about one thing:

The Women Like Largess Penis

I can’t WAIT to have a largess penis.

I wonder what it is…

…and what kind of packaging it comes in.


I got another one today:

Subject: Increase your main love muscle without tiresome exercises!

Wait…

…there’s…

EXERCISES?!?!?!

I didn’t know there were exercises for this!!

…I need to sign up for this sh*t at the gym.

..wait a minute…

If they’re talking about masturbation as the exercise then forget it.

…as I’m considered the Jack LaLanne of self-pleasurization.


If there was a masturbatory tri-athalon, I’d SO win.

…I wonder what the events would be:

Event #1: Fastest to Spooge

I doubt they’d call it “spooge” (this is a professional event, after all), but…

CHECK.


Event #2: Tossing Glue

This one’s for distance.

(alternate name for this event: “Long Pump”)

This one depends on how often I go between “shots” and relies on a specific amount of backpressure.

Here’s where I have the advantage…

…you see…

I’m like a sex camel.

I can go for weeks.

Unfortunately.

*sigh*

Anyway…

CHECK.


Event #3: Shot Put

No..not shotput.

Shot PUT.

A test of Accuracy.

I’m thinking this is like one of those carnival “knock the clowns down” events..

…but instead of clown faces, you have pictures of women.

…and instead of baseballs, you have…well…

goo.


Anyway…I’m going to answer one of these emails.

If for no other reason than just to find out what a largess penis is.


Have a Happy New Years, everyone.

Don’t forget to send me money.

But don’t do it after 9:30 p.m., I’ll be sleeping…

…with my largess penis.

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Comments
  1. mauniejames says:

    >Hi shorty poo poo…I will truly try not to die this year…and two of the people you use to imagine yourself with are Rosie and Doctor Ruth? how really scary is that..that is the like a women imagining Dr Phil and Bill O’Reilly ugh ugh ugh……….happy new year to you and your family

  2. Kimmylyn says:

    >I swear you kill me (but I promise not to die) As a female reader the only thing that bothers me about this whole post is your statue has nicer boobs than me.Happy New Year!

  3. >That’s why I’m not WITH Prince anymore…he kept poking me in the ass with his balls. I hate that.Happy New Year!

  4. >Hey we hope all these cum true for you mental poo and from all at GO! Smell the flowers all the best for 2008….We enjoy having you around!Brrring on 2008!

  5. >You have a woman’s back?

  6. >Go team OJ! Oh God, my ribs hurt from laughing…where are my drugs???

  7. >Happy New Years Eve! :)I hope to make it AWAKE past 930 pm….

  8. >Happy New Year you old bastard!What kind of loser goes to bed at 9:30 anyways? I’m just getting started at that time.Maybe Dick Clark knows the secret to life.Which is: Stay up passed midnight to shoot splooge from 6 feet away into the face of Dr. RuthOh and that massive stroke that he had wasn’t the kind of stroke you thought it was. It was just him practicing his masterbation techniques.See how the media twists things around?

  9. C.Rag says:

    >Those spam penis enlargement emails are so tempting even though I don’t have a penis.

  10. moooooog35 says:

    >Malach: No…believe it or not, that’s actually a GUY’S back. I know…smooth…not sure who shaves it. Maybe Rosie.I also just realized that I posted the SAME PIC of the distance guy TWICE…..stupid, stupid Moog.It’s been fixed.As have I.(it’s a vasectomy joke…just roll with it)PrePo: I think you’re right on the Dick Clark thing. Ten bucks says he practices on Ryan Seacrest.

  11. Prin says:

    >What? You’re in it for the money? I feel so… so… used. *sniff*Happy New Year. 🙂

  12. >My BF jerks off so fast, he can switch hands and gain 5 strokes.

  13. Buzzardbilly says:

    >Damn. I’m so old I was Dick Clark’s babysitter and I don’t even go to be at 9:30. It’s the kids. They’ll wear you out.On distance, I once finished a guy off with my hand. He was lying down. Flat. The spooge landed on his forehead (high up on his forehead). I was kinda proud of that distance. He was too.

  14. >This is no bullshit: Dick Clark was the MC at my high school graduation party in 1958. This is bullshit: I have a largess penis.

  15. AngryMan says:

    >OJ’s making real progress on the case. I hope that you’re the guy to finally solve it for him, then our national nightmare will be over.

  16. >I thought your womanly back was sexy. While a hairy back is fun to hold on to, a bald back keeps hair out of my mouth. Happy New Year!

  17. Gledwood says:

    >Have an entertaining New Year 2008 your blog is poopilicious… wahey!!;->…

  18. Mike says:

    >Happy new year! Oh, and don’t forget to add the ookie cookie to that contest of yours. Don’t know what it is? Look it up!

  19. >Hello!! I am Speedcat Hollydale. You can find me on Mel’s new Resolution meme.I added you to my Technorati favorites :-)Happy 2008

  20. HeyJoe says:

    >Your hairless back and coin-slot is SO turning me on.

  21. >Hey MP,I hope you don’t mind. But I found your information on the proper way to thank your loved one for jewelry helpful and mentioned it in my morning blog, which is about jewelry! Thanks so much for the info, I am sure it is going to make a huge difference in the lives of many!

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