My Magnetic Personality

Posted: December 31, 2007 in about me, needles, shoulder

So, my shoulder is all f*cked up.

Today, I have an MRI.

I believe “MRI” stands for:

“Mental Retardation Inquisition”

Me hopes me pass it. Squid are blue and treat me like candy!



It’s a giant magnetic tube.

Not unlike what I found in my mom’s nightstand as a boy.

I still have nightmares.

I swear that thing growled at me.

..but I digress…

In order to schedule this, I had to call the MRI center for a pre-screening question-and-answer session.

Here are some of the questions:

1) Do you have any allergies?

I contemplated saying “cats” here…

…as I’m highly allergic to cats.

But I highly doubt they have cats in the MRI room.

But if they do, I’m so totally f*cked.

That will suck.

2) Have you ever had fractures or broken bones requiring plates or screws?

No, but if I could have abdominal surgery and have plates put in where my stomach muscles are supposed to be…I’d appreciate it.

Abs of Steel.

That…and when they do surgery on my shoulder, I want them to put a big metal plate in there…

…like a shoulder pad.

I’d be able to carry GIGANTIC logs without worry…people would come from miles to see “The Amazing Metal Shoulder Guy.”


3) Do you have any prosthetics or fake eyeballs?


Not yet.

…but I plan on another trip to Canada soon and this answer may change depending on how drunk I am and how bad of a beating I take.

F*cking Canadians.

On another note, a pirate would probably have to say “yes” to both.

I wish I was a pirate sometimes.

Nurse: “Do you have any prosthetics?

Pirate: “Aye”

“Do you have any fake eyes?”

Pirate: “Aye.”

Parrot: “He manscapes…smooth balls…smoooooth balls”

(Pirate kills parrot)

Pirates are awesome.

4) Boxers or briefs?

This one threw me…

…as I had to say the third option, “Boxer-briefs.”

I’m not sure what this has to do with a shoulder MRI…

…but hey, they’re doctors, they know what they’re doing.



5) Any operations or surgery done?

At first, I said, “No.”

Then, I remembered that I recently had my balls ripped apart in an effort to render myself sterile.

I’m thinking:

“Oh SH*T…do they put STAPLES in there?!”

I’m suddenly picturing myself laying in the MRI chamber…

…when suddenly…

…my testicles pop out of my pants…


…and stretch themselves into my field of vision, up and over my head like Silly Putty…

…magnetically slamming into the MRI machine above me.


Panicked, I call back and tell the nurse this.

Not a worry“, she says.


… I’m considering getting a Prince Albert done.

You know…stretch the sh*t out of my little guy.

SOMETHING good has to come from all of this.

Might as well be a bigger wiggly.

6) Can you get yourself off the table yourself?

Christ, I hope so.

Off shouldn’t be a problem, because being this small I virtually float in the air.

That’s right.

Being this size, I defy gravity.

It’s the getting ON the table that I’m worried about.

How high is the table?

Because I’m only 5 feet tall and may need a “ten finger” boost from someone to get me ON the thing.

Unless there are cats…

…because then I’ll need “ten claws.”

I hope there aren’t cats.

That will suck.

  1. Prin says:

    >Magnetic resonance imagery? I think that’s what it is…How’d it go? Did they show you the pics? I got to see my brain when they did my head CT. That was cool.Were the kitties cute? πŸ˜€

  2. mauniejames says:

    >I’ve had a couple of MRI’s and CATscans..but I keep my eyes closed tightly because I’m so claustraphobic…but I never had kittens with me..I’d like you get shorter every time you will be 4 feet the next time..I laugh at..humm with you every really are a very funny guy…all three feet of you…..maunie

  3. >I sure hope there aren’t any cats.Good Luck with the MRI.

  4. Sara Sue says:

    >I hope everything turns out alright! I hope there are no cats but lots of pussy!

  5. >I wouldn’t trust those cats with a Prince Albert…just sayin’.Good luck!

  6. Kimmylyn says:

    >All I can say is good luck.. u are a blogging god.. πŸ™‚

  7. Mimzie says:

    >Good luck with everything. Hope you get a bigger wiggly.

  8. >That guy in the last pic, the red head . . . he looks like Captain Flak Paperpants

  9. Divalicious says:

    >Sweet Jesus… I would be scared for life too if I’d have opened the naughty, naughty mommy drawer and saw that thing starin at me. My naughty, naughty mommy drawer is all warm and fuzzy.My wish for you is good news with test results and if you want it, a big wiggly.

  10. moooooog35 says:

    >Update:I survived the MRI.There were no cats.The nurse was fairly ugly.The MRI was NOT a tube, but rather something resembling a giant plate that I had to lay under…while wearing my two johnny’s (one from the from the back).I’m pissed about the johnny’s because she didn’t tell me to NOT tie the f*cking things…so I spent 10 minutes in the changing room trying to sort out what went where…before finally giving up.Jack Bauer should use this in his next “24” torture sequence.

  11. >Woohoo! You survived! I hope the bionic shoulder replacement works out for you.The kitten people were creepy.

  12. >And no testicular explosion?Great news! Can’t wait ’till you get to throw things in slow motion with a new sholder and that Bionic Man music starts playing in the background.

  13. >would you rather get probed in the ass by a nurse or edward scissorhands? i’m just sayin’…happy new year and good luck with the shoulder.

  14. >Happy New Year. Awww…. I love coming back to visit my daily mental poop. What a relief. Hope all turns out well and may your balls stay where there should be. :o)

  15. >The pirate thing – hilarious. I had one of those things. The nurse told me try not to swallow. Do you know how hard it is to lay on your back and not swallow? Good luck? πŸ™‚

  16. >The new shoulder should be a welcomed part as you would be just like the 6 Million Dollar Man.I sure bet masterbation sessions will improve also. Just think of the speed you can get from a new and improved shoulder….Daaaaaaaaaamn!

  17. >Have you had reflexology done? The shoulder is attached by nerve endings to the scrotum. You should have it massaged throughly twice a day, and your shoulder should be as good as new in about 6 to 9 months.I know it’s true. I read it on the internet.

  18. moooooog35 says:

    >Random Moments: Best. Comment. Ever. But, no – I’ve never actually had to lay on my back and try not to swallow.A complete and full description of your experience is appreciated.Thanks in advance.AGABAM: Reflexology? I do that twice a day and my shoulder still feels like crap. Maybe I’m massaging my scrotum incorrectly….or not long enough…Is 5 seconds not enough?

  19. >Was it noisy in the cocoon? That is the worst part of it.

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