>Before all the men and women out there start freaking out that I’m about to post the pictures of their vaginas and penises and (not respectively…in most instances) and – in some cases – weird monkey fetishes let me be clear that I’m NOT going to do that because I download that shit to my computer as soon as I get it and/or print it out to make a tasteful-yet-functional masturbatory mobile that hangs over my toilet (Patent Pending).

Perhaps I’ve said too much.


NO.

This is about my new phone which has a touch screen and a ‘drawing’ program which my kids have somehow found and…

..well..

..here’s what I find on my phone.

I open the drawing program because I needed to draw a penis I think (I can’t remember day-to-day) and realize that there are NINE DRAWINGS on my phone that I did not do…and not a single one of a penis.

Phew.

1) I’M NUMBER ONE!

I look at the first drawing:


Fuck yeah, that’s right.

#1 Dad.

#1 Dad who lets his kids go through his phone apparently without his knowledge because “Good Parenting = Ignoring your children” and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KIDS PLEASE DO NOT GO THROUGH MY PICTURES OR VIDEOS.

I need to lock that friggin’ thing.

2) Peace Out

The next one I come across is this one:


Ugh.

Yay. Yay for peace.

I’m a Republican so coming across this type of shit just pisses me off.

3) Enter the Comedian

Next up is one from my son:

4+4=ate

I’m impressed with what he did here because he was able to combine math, art and comedy all in one fell swoop.

Kind of like how Hitler did it but with less math, comedy and art and more, you know, genocide.

So I guess nothing like Hitler AT ALL.

Speaking of disturbing shit…

4) WHAT. THE. HELL

So I continue to scroll through my pictures when..

..I find…

THIS:

Bloody Lake.

So it was kind of like, “Oh look daddy YOU’RE #1! and we should celebrate world peace with maybe some silly humor but DON’T TURN YOUR BACK DOUCHE OR WE WILL KILL YOU KILL YOU KILL YOU DEAD AND THE LAKES WILL TURN RED WITH YOUR BLOOD.

Um.

*delete

*delete *delete *delete

While I’m at it, I’m getting rid of the pictures and videos, too.

You can all breathe a sigh of relief now.

Glad someone can.

Moog out.

>A little while ago I did a cartoon that flew over some people’s heads which, honestly, given my target audience really shouldn’t be much of a surprise to anyone.

So, I’m giving it another shot.

Since hindsight is 20/20 unless it has astigmatism which typically requires the use of corrective lenses and even then your hindsight has to hold the newspaper far away just to do the Sudoku puzzle because you never ever know when someone is going to slip Nazi propaganda in there, I rethought my cartoon literally 2 seconds after I published it.

True story.

Why I’m addicted to drawing soap I honestly have no friggin clue.

Here you go.


Better?

I hope that’s not too HARD for some DICKS out there to understand.

Erection.

Great. I’m already thinking of another one.

Good Lord, help me.

>As you may or may not know, my longtime friend, cube-mate, and all-around general person who grosses me the Hell out on a constant basis, Kristin, moved out of my cube at work to a different floor.

Subsequently, once in a while, I’ll get Instant Messages from her asking a question.

Sadly, none of them are, like, “We banging today?”

Work SUCKS.

Regardless, Kristin will IM me with valid, serious questions about work.

And THIS, folks…is why my gravestone will simply say:

Here you go:

This probably explains why we’re not banging.

What an asshole.

>
I have not a single clue as to why but I was messing around with “Google” stuff which I kind of stumbled on that time I was writing my post about flying with the crazy Ebola/Typhoid chick..

..when I decided that it was time to debut a new feature on here called, “I like to Google Alphabetically”

Basically, I pick a phrase which may or may not be normal, then go through the alphabet to see what kind of screwed up shit comes up.

You’re welcome.

Today’s Google Phrase:

I LIKE TO…

But before I did “I like TO,” I stopped at “I like..” and this popped up:

I don’t know what a mischievous badger is, but if it exists, it has to be AMAZING.

Okay…

To wade through the bullshit I only did the ones where I was, like, WTF?

Here goes…

A:

Personally, I like to annoy people by abusing my dog and then arguing with them about it.

Three birds, one stone.

I also like to abuse my birds.

B:

I was thinking “how do you blow a tree?” but then realized it’s probably pretty easy since a tree always has wood.

*cymbal crashes

C:

“C” sucked – like, the best I could get was when I made it “I like to CH” and “I like to check you for ticks” came up.

D:

I’m wondering if the guy who likes to dissect girls is the same guy who also likes to dance.

Would explain a LOT.

E:

Who’s hungry?!

Then there’s a shitty alphabetic drought until the letter ‘P’ for some reason although, honestly, this seems appropriate.

P:

I’m thinking we should get the “I like to poop” person and the “I like to eat poop” person together.

It would be like Match.com but, you know, way more fucking disgusting.

FYI, if you Google “Jesus in a tuxedo” you get this:


The more you know.

The there’s nothing of significance until “S” which gave me “I like to singa about the moona” which just made me laugh because Italians are funny unless they’re gangsters and then I thought about that book, “Strega Nona” and her magic pasta pot and how Big Anthony almost killed thousands of people with spaghetti.

The moral of that story was supposed to be about listening and paying attention but I’m pretty sure all I got from is it is that no matter what, never ever trust a man wearing a scarf.

Then I got to ‘T.’

T:

Then after ‘T’ the only thing I found of note was in ‘W’ where “I like to wear diapers” came up and since most two year olds can barely understand basic scientific principles like the coefficient of friction never mind being able to work Firefox (screw you, Internet Explorer!), I’m gonna guess an adult searched for this and..

..um..

EW.

Then again, maybe it’s that guy who likes to poop and pee.

Makes sense, Google.

Makes sense.

>More Shit People Send Me

Posted: May 13, 2011 in friends, karate

>If you’re a long time reader you know that I do karate with a guy named “Brian” who, sadly, was defeated by Jesus during our first-ever tournament but I avenged his death/humiliation by rising to the occasion and kicking Jesus’ ASS.

Because that’s what friends do.

Right before they make fun of their friend’s lackluster effort on a blog. Again.

The more you know.

Brian works in those big yellow scoop-type-truck things (Tonkas) when he’s not having his ass handed to him by lesser people like myself during sparring class.


How bad is your headache after that?

Please note that this was the second video my daughter took which, honestly, is a lot less funny than the first.

So I’m at work and my phone buzzes and I check it and it’s a picture text from Brian with NO SUBJECT and just this:


Um.

Thanks?

So I sent him back this:

To which he replies:


Brian doesn’t send me pictures any more.

Probably a good idea.