Archive for the ‘Moog’s Reviews’ Category

Today I’m reviewing a movie off my Netflix list:

Quantum of Solace


Listen, I’m not a huge James Bond fan.

I’m also not gay.

However, I’ve seen both Daniel Craig versions and I have to say this:

Sometimes, I look into his dreamy blue eyes and chiseled body and want to be a Bond Girl.

I wish that last sentence never left my fingertips.

Did I mention I’m not gay?


I also mentioned I’m not a James Bond fan.

However, I kinda liked ‘Casino Royale,’ even though my knowledge of poker extends to these two things:

1) You use cards
2) You must use only your feet unless you’re the goalie

One of those may be wrong.


So, with me kinda liking ‘Casino Royale,’ I decided to rent ‘Quantum of Solace.’

How was it?

Three minutes into the movie and I was completely fucking lost.

You know, I should have figured this shit would be over my head when the name of the movie sounds like the title of Stephen Hawking’s thesis.


However, there was enough jumping and chasing and shit for me to keep going:

“Oooh. Cool jumping.”

…and…

“Oooh. Cool chasing and shit.”

There was some plot that involved some weird looking bad guy, and Bond trying to get revenge for the death of the chick I forgot who died in Casino Royale, and something about water in the desert and…

..hold on…

…more jumping.

Cool.

Okay. I’m back.

As far as the ‘Bond Girl‘ in this one?

OH. MY. GOD.

Here she is:


Whoops.

Wrong picture.

Here she is:


Holy fuckshit, Batman.

Now I KNOW I’m not gay.

Mostly.

Regardless…between all the jumping and chasing and hot chicks and incoherent plot and fucking stupid title…

I give it my score.

My Score:

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


You can raise that to 2-1/2 Splats if you value action over being able to understand what the fuck is going on.

Now, excuse me…

I’m working on my own thesis.

It includes that Bond Girl and a lot of lube.

I’m totally winning an award for this.

Moog out.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we’ll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven’t had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

***********************

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Today I’m reviewing:

Slumdog Millionaire


I have to admit, I was a little hesitant to see “Slumdog Millionaire” at first.

I know it won Best Picture, but two things started to turn me off to it before I even rented it:

1) I saw a preview that showed the cast dancing that stupid fucking Bollywood shit dance stuff

2) I’ve been in the computer/technology industry for, like, 15 years now and – really – I thought I pretty much new every Indian person on the face of the planet since I’d worked with most of them.


Wrong on both counts.

That’s right.

I was wrong.

Mark your calendar, folks, it doesn’t happen often.

Slumdog Millionaire is one of the best movies I’ve ever seen.

(FYI- that stupid dance shit happens in the credits, thank Christ.)

Once I got past the dialect thing.

You see, I suck with accents.

If you have even the slightest accent, I’m totally fucked in any conversation with you.

Movies with Scottish/Irish actors?

Fuck it. Forget it. I give up after the first five minutes.

I have no fucking clue (or, as you Scottish say, “Feeeckin gloo”) what the Hell you’re talking about.

How Braveheart managed to be one of my favorites is still a mystery.

FREEDOM!!!!

Sorry.


Regardless, it took me about 10 minutes to acclimate to the accents.

But once I did…

WOW.

RENT. THIS. FRIGGIN. MOVIE.

It’s an excellent story set in mostly ‘flashback’ mode about a poor Indian boy (termed a ‘slumdog’ – and you’ll see why in horrible detail) who gets on the Indian version of the show ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire.’

Listen.

My last rental was fucking Marley and Me and I still find myself crying myself to fucking sleep some nights.

Stupid dog movie – why must you emasculate me so?!?!

So it was good to see a well acted, well written and excellent movie overall.

See it.

My Score:

4 Mooge Splats (out of a possible 4)


Now excuse, me…

…Vijay Sangesh Patel needs some help in the lab.

I think.

I’m not sure…I can’t understand what the fuck he’s saying.

Moog out.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we’ll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven’t had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

***********************

Today I’m reviewing:

Marley and Me


Fucking Ay.

Marley and Me.

I’m going to go off on a tangent here and instead of giving you the plot and characters and shit, I’m just going to give you a quiz.

Here goes:

Q: How do you know if you should rent Marley and Me?

1) Are you male?

If you answered ‘yes’ to this, then RUN.

RUN AWAY, MY FRIEND.

Run away from this movie and never ever look back.


Because there is no fucking way in Hell that you’re not going to turn into a fucking testosterone-free, ball-less, pussified blubbering jackass woman-like piece of jell-o by the time this movie is over.

If you get through this movie and you’re not bawling like 5 year old fat kid who just dropped his Sno-Cone on the hot pavement in mid-July after spending his last 50 cents on it…

…then let me be first to congratulate you on your choice of career in the slaughterhouse industry.


My wife wanted to see this in the theater.

Thank Christ ‘The Dark Knight’ intervened or otherwise I would have been exiting the fucking lobby looking like I’d just been pepper sprayed for three hours straight.

There’s no fucking way, dude, you can watch this and somehow try to maintain the ‘head of household’ or ‘man’ portion of the relationship.

Luckily for me, I gave that up years ago.

To the Ladies:

Unless you want to see your man reduced to a slobbering corpse of what he once was, do NOT make him watch this.

Especially if he has a fucking dog. Holy shit…I don’t even like my fucking dog and I was damn near close to knitting her a fucking sweater at the end of this movie.

Our time…so…fleeting.

OH SHE SHIT ON THE FUCKING CARPET AGAIN?!?!? MOTHER OF CHRIST!!

Fucking dog.

Overall – the story was, eh.

By the way….it is NOT a movie for kids.

My Score:

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Excuse me now.

I only have one booty left to knit and my dog’s outfit will be complete.

Don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone, ya know.

Stupid dog.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we’ll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven’t had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

***********************

Today I’m reviewing:

I Love You, Man


I’m gonna make this short today.

(that’s what Lorena Bobbitt said)

Because I’m typing one-handed…

(and not for the reason I want to…my hand is broken (and not for the reason I wanted to for that, either))

…I’m tired of hunting and pecking.

Now I sound like my wife.

Regardless, we went to see “I Love You, Man” this weekend.

It’s about a guy named Peter Klaven (Paul Rudd) who’s marrying an uber-hottie (Rashida Jones – a.k.a. the other hot chick Jim was fucking in “The Office”).


Peter realizes that – during the wedding planning – that all his friends are guys…and that he has no real guy friends.

Thus, this movie sets him out on this quest.

He inevitably finds himself paired with a guy named Sydney Fife (Jason Segel), and the movie takes off as they begin their newfound friendship.

It’s basically a chick flick for guys.

But it’s fucking hilarious.

It starts off slow…but picks up in twenty minutes and just keeps going.

Keep an eye out for Jon Favreau who is his regular genius as an asshole.

Granted, it’s not as funny as Forgetting Sarah Marshall,but well worth seeing if you love Paul Rudd and Jason Segel movies.

My Score:

3 Mooge Splats (out of a possible 4)

One more tip:

Don’t leave before the credits.

There’s another 5 minutes of movie as they roll.

Now, excuse me.

My fucking hand is killing me now.

Hope you appreciate it.

My penis sure doesn’t.

Little guy’s been lonely.

Moog out.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we’ll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven’t had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

***********************

Today I’m reviewing:

Watchmen


I was pretty excited to go see The Watchmen, even though I had never read the book or had no idea what it was going to be about.

Good marketing is my achilles heel.

On a related note:

I have no idea why I’m drinking this Dr. Pepper right now.

Tastes like Alec Baldwin’s ass after a marathon.

BUT I LOVE THE COMMERCIALS!!

See? This shit just sucks me in.


Regardless, I almost DIDN’T go because when I checked it out on rottentomatoes.com, I noticed two things:

1) It wasn’t getting rave reviews

2) It was 2 hours and 43 minutes long

Two Hours. Forty Three minutes.

What. The fuck.

If you’re a reader of my reviews, you know that 2 hours is pretty much my cut-off.

I’ve given specific passes on this rule for awesome movies like Iron Man, though, on the basis that the movie was JUST SIMPLY FUCKING AWESOME!!! WOO HOO! IRON MAN, BABY!!

Ahem.

Sorry.


The plot is set in some weird mutated past and revolves between the 1940’s and the 1980’s.

In this ficticious history, Richard Nixon is serving as President through the Vietnam War, and continues to serve in this capacity through his FIFTH term.

For some reason never really explained (I think), he has outlawed masked vigilantes (superheroes), thus forcing into retirement a particular high profile group based in New York known as ‘The Watchmen.’

The Watchmen are made up of these characters:

1) Ozymandias (Matthew Goode)

Some rich smart guy who would not look out of place on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.


2) The Comedian (Jeffrey Dean Morgan)

Rough guy with major morality issues who looks just like a beefed up older Robert Downey Jr.

3) Night Owl (Patrick Wilson)

The last time I saw Patrick Wilson was when I rented “Hard Candy.

Another fucking weird movie.

However, I’m assuming this character appeals to all the fat out of shape nerds who believe that someday, somehow, they’ll be able to fly and beat up people and fuck Malin Akerman.

Because this guy looks like shit for a superhero.


Which brings me to…

4) Silk Spectre (Malin Akerman)

* penis goes boinnng!

I like this character for two reasons:

a) She is the only superhero I’ve ever seen wear a suit that has a garter belt

b) She gets laid, like, 3 times in the movie…and we get boobie each time

That’s good enough for me.

5) Rorschach (Jackie Earle Haley)

One of the best characters. Ever.

Bad-ass good guy.

My problem was that I thought this guy was Danny Bonaduce.

So I spent most of the time watching him with his mask off trying to figure out if it was Danny Bonaduce or his brother or cousing or some shit.

So I probably missed some plot points.


Danny Bonaduce fucks my day up yet again.

Long story.

But you couldn’t miss:

6) Dr. Manhattan (Billy Crudup)

Dr. Manhattan is a guy who had some type of nuclear accident and can now do all kinds of shit like change things and move shit and teleport himself and fuck Malin Akerman twice at the same time by making three of himself to do it.

I’m a little jealous.


Oh yeah:

He’s blue.

One more tip:

He’s fucking naked for 99% of the movie.

For all you women out there who wanted to see Billy Crudup’s penis for hours on end, this is the movie for you.

Me?

Not so much.

I now know, with distinct clarity, what Papa Smurf’s dick must look like.

Here’s what confused me:

In parts of the movie, he puts clothes on. So, it’s not like he CAN’T wear clothes.

So I’m not sure why he feels the need to go without underwear when he’s, say, working on his nuclear shit.

I know when I’m building my fission reactor, I always put on a clean pair of boxer briefs.

It’s just how I roll.


It’s when one of these Watchmen is murdered (known as ‘The Comedian’), that the story begins…and the quest to resolve the mystery of WHO killed him and why drives the movie.

In the end, I was, like:

It was pretty good.

There’s not enough fighting or action to keep things going quickly, but the narrative is decent and the character development and history of the characters is excellent.

My Score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


If you like superhero/science fiction…then you’ll probably like this.

If you don’t, you won’t. It will be long and confusing.

At almost three hours long, it feels long.

Not as long as Billy Crudup’s neon-blue prick…but long nonetheless.

Moog out.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we’ll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven’t had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

***********************