>Today is my first-ever art show here on “Mental Poo.”
A Horse-Drawn carriage!
Apparently, horses can’t draw AT ALL.
That doesn’t look anything like a carriage.
>Right before the kids and I walk into my one-bedroom shithole apartment and smell the wondrous odors filling the hallway of whatever rodent/stray animal my neighbors are obviously broiling in a steaming pot of piss, and listen to the beautiful cacaphony of sounds known as ‘people screaming in Spanish,’ we take a moment to soak in the fresh night air and look up at the heavens above.
After I finish crying and saying “WHY?!” over and over again, I take the time to point out some of the constellations to my kids.
When you have no money, this counts as ‘entertainment.’
Right above us is Orion.
It’s now painfully obvious to me that the Greeks were probably spiking their baklava while shoving olives in their eyes because if I was to name this constellation based on what I saw it would be less ‘fearsome valiant hunter’ and more ‘hot broad in a sleeveless summer sundress.’
ROLL THE TAPE!
LEO THE LION
Ah. Leo the Lion.
Not so majestic.
Somehow, though, still kind of fearsome.
Because if ‘two somewhat adjacent dots in the night sky’ screams anything to me it’s ‘dog.’
Fine. I can play that way, too.
Now I will never go to sleep again.
IT’S TIME FOR INTERMISSION!!
Found this picture in my house that my son drew:
I have no idea but I thought it was appropriate being a picture of a star (I think) and this post about constellations and – believe it or not – there are TONS OF ANGRY STAR PHOTOS AROUND MY APARTMENT.
I fear him.
Just to be fair, here’s something my daughter drew of the stuff on my kitchen table:
On the bright side, at least the shit on my table isn’t angry like my son’s star.
So when I was Googling ‘Gemini’ I kept coming up with pictures that I couldn’t tell if they were boys and girls so I’m going to assume they’re both sexes.
Kind of like Ru Paul.
Either way..I don’t know how you get two people out of that.
King Kong would look up at that and want to climb that shit.
Here’s what I got:
Pam Anderson has climbed that shit.
Also gives new meaning to ‘wishing upon a star’ although, I’m sure for Tommy Lee, it really doesn’t matter who you are.
This brings up the obvious question:
What’s oral sex called for stars? Constellatio?
Y a crab?
I like this better:
And JUST LIKE THAT the Gemini Twins are resurrected and we finally get an answer – once and for all – whether they’re male or female.
I think these apartment odors are fucking with me. I should go outside and get me some fresh night air.
>Before all the men and women out there start freaking out that I’m about to post the pictures of their vaginas and penises and (not respectively…in most instances) and – in some cases – weird monkey fetishes let me be clear that I’m NOT going to do that because I download that shit to my computer as soon as I get it and/or print it out to make a tasteful-yet-functional masturbatory mobile that hangs over my toilet (Patent Pending).
Perhaps I’ve said too much.
This is about my new phone which has a touch screen and a ‘drawing’ program which my kids have somehow found and…
..here’s what I find on my phone.
I open the drawing program because I needed to draw a penis I think (I can’t remember day-to-day) and realize that there are NINE DRAWINGS on my phone that I did not do…and not a single one of a penis.
1) I’M NUMBER ONE!
I look at the first drawing:
#1 Dad who lets his kids go through his phone apparently without his knowledge because “Good Parenting = Ignoring your children” and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KIDS PLEASE DO NOT GO THROUGH MY PICTURES OR VIDEOS.
I need to lock that friggin’ thing.
2) Peace Out
The next one I come across is this one:
Yay. Yay for peace.
I’m a Republican so coming across this type of shit just pisses me off.
3) Enter the Comedian
Next up is one from my son:
I’m impressed with what he did here because he was able to combine math, art and comedy all in one fell swoop.
Kind of like how Hitler did it but with less math, comedy and art and more, you know, genocide.
So I guess nothing like Hitler AT ALL.
Speaking of disturbing shit…
4) WHAT. THE. HELL
So I continue to scroll through my pictures when..
So it was kind of like, “Oh look daddy YOU’RE #1! and we should celebrate world peace with maybe some silly humor but DON’T TURN YOUR BACK DOUCHE OR WE WILL KILL YOU KILL YOU KILL YOU DEAD AND THE LAKES WILL TURN RED WITH YOUR BLOOD.“
*delete *delete *delete
While I’m at it, I’m getting rid of the pictures and videos, too.
You can all breathe a sigh of relief now.
Glad someone can.
>A little while ago I did a cartoon that flew over some people’s heads which, honestly, given my target audience really shouldn’t be much of a surprise to anyone.
So, I’m giving it another shot.
Since hindsight is 20/20 unless it has astigmatism which typically requires the use of corrective lenses and even then your hindsight has to hold the newspaper far away just to do the Sudoku puzzle because you never ever know when someone is going to slip Nazi propaganda in there, I rethought my cartoon literally 2 seconds after I published it.
Why I’m addicted to drawing soap I honestly have no friggin clue.
Here you go.
I hope that’s not too HARD for some DICKS out there to understand.
Great. I’m already thinking of another one.
Good Lord, help me.
>Was in the cafeteria at work getting my fifth cup of hazelnut coffee with two Splenda and half-n-half when OMG I JUST REALIZED I’M GAY.
Was in the cafeteria getting my (insert manly type of coffee here) when I noticed this poster:
This is supposed to get me to want to drink Red Bull so I recharge and then next thing I know I’m a 40-year old man riding a Razor scooter with my tie flung over my shoulder going “Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” through the hallways while wearing an expression like I just got my report card and I DIDN’T flunk remedial English?
Because all I want to do when I see this poster is to run up and shank this guy in the kidney with a homemade shiv.
If you’re this happy at work, take the day off asshole because you’re making the rest of us miserable people look bad.
Enjoy your weekend.