Archive for the ‘animated’ Category

Today I’m reviewing the movie:

UP


Finally.

After seeing the horrible fuckshow known as Night at the Museum 2

…I get a movie that is WORTH seeing.

Well worth it.

Suffice it to say, “Up” has earned a place in my top 20 movie list of all time.

Easily.

Yes.

A Pixar animated film has justly joined the ranks of such greats as:

1) Jaws

2) Braveheart

3) The Fugitive

4) Dr. Gonzo’s Six-Hour Anything Goes SexFest Extravaganza

Six hours…plus lesbian action…three ways…AND anal?

You don’t get much better that THAT, my friends.


Where was I?

Oh.

Up.

To be honest, the movie may be a bit slow and/or confusing for those kids 5 and under…

…as the first 20 minutes of the movie outlines the main character, Mr. Fredrickson, from childhood to old age.

In this period, he meets his wife as a young boy…and the beginning of the film outlines their life together and, eventually, her death.

During this period of the movie, there is VERY little dialog…so very young ones may find themselves fidgeting a bit and needing to have the synopsis here explained.

That being said:

GO SEE IT ANYWAY.

Mr. Frederickson takes it upon himself to see to it that his wife’s desire for a life of adventure not go to waste.

This is similar to my desire for adventure.

Unfortunately, ‘adventure’ for me means ‘getting the mail.’

I’m sad sometimes.


Mr. Frederickson thusly rigs his home (on the verge of destruction by a local builder) with enough helium-filled balloons to transport him to the land of “Paradise Falls,” a mythical place in South America where he and his wife always dreamed of going.

Things go awry, though, when a local Cub Scout named “Russell” becomes an unwanted stow away.

Long story short, the house eventually lands on “Paradise Falls” which is populated by a rare animal, a man who is trying to hunt it and his pack of obedient dogs outfitted with collars that allow them to talk.

Mr. Frederickson and Russell take it upon themselves to help save the animal from the hunter and – in the end – find their own adventure and a true and lasting friendship.

This movie has something for everyone, and is definitely worth the price of admission.

My Score:

4 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now…excuse me…

I still have 5 hours and 45 minutes of my Dr. Gonzo video to watch.

At 5 minutes per viewing, this is gonna take me forever.

Moog out.

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Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

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Today I’m reviewing the movie:

Monsters vs. Aliens


Because I’m still doing this shit one-handed, I’ll make it quick.

My wife hears this every third Saturday night.

She cries sometimes.

Regardless, we took the kids to see “Monsters vs. Aliens” at an IMAX Theater.

IMAX + 3D = HOLYFUCKSHIT


(sorry for the math)


Synopsis:

Monsters vs. Aliens revolves around a central character, Susan (Reese Witherspoon successfully animated to have her weird chin removed) who is hit by a meteor on the day she’s supposed to marry he fiance, Derek (Paul Rudd! Hooray!)

The meteor infuses her with an alien element that causes her to become ginormous. Of course, the military steps in – captures her – and puts her in a super-secret facility with several other “monsters” they’ve captured.


When an alien actually detects the presence of this element on Earth (inside Susan) , he begins his quest of retrieving the element and destroying the planet in the process.

When the military fails to destroy the alien invasion, it calls upon the monsters to do the job.

My Review:

It was good, not great.

The 3D effects and animation, combined with the monster, B.O.B, (voiced awesomely by Seth Rogen) save this movie from being somewhat shitty.


I think the majority of laughter I heard was coming from adults in the theater, but my wife said my she had never heard my 5-year-old son laugh so hard in a movie before.

The movie starts off slow and may be a little confusing for kids at first – but it picks up when Susan is thrown in with the monsters and ramps up from there.

If your kids like movies and animation, take them to see it – the 3D alone is very impressive.

My Score:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible 4)


3D is the way to go.

I’m just gald they didn’t digitize Reese Witherspoon’s chin.

I can’t imagine that thing coming right at me.

Moog out.

***********************
Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we’ll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven’t had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

***********************

Today I’m reviewing the movie:

Coraline


What.

The Fuck.

Did I just watch?

No..scratch that…

What did I just bring my kids to?!?!?

Let’s preface this first:

I didn’t want to see Coraline.

My kids did.

Since I will sit in a movie theater to pretty much watch anything as long as I’m paying the early matinee fee ($700 per ticket + $2 for the 3D Glasses), I’ll go.

So we went.

On a related note:

I’m stupid.


The Plot:
Coraline is a kid (Dakota Fanning) who moves into some delapitated old house with her lame parents (Teri Hatcher and John Hodgman) who apparently don’t give a shit about her.

I haven’t seen parent neglect this bad since I put my kids in the closet last weekend so the wife and I could go out.

OMG! The kids!!

Eh. They probably still have some water and jerky left.

I’ll get to them as soon as I’m done this.

A neighborhood boy befriends Coraline and gives her a doll that he found that looks just like her…

…except the eyes are simply black buttons.

NO! Not creepy at all!


This begins an adventure where Coraline discovers a hidden door in her slum shithouse that leads to an alternate world – everything that she knows is there…

BUT IT’S BETTER.

The food is better.

The parents are better.

The house is better.

The crack whores don’t have AIDS.

Oh. Wait.

That last one is MY alternate world.

My bad.

The only problem here is that the requirement to STAY in this world is:

Coraline has to remove her eyes and replace them with buttons.

THIS ISN’T SCARY FOR KIDS AT ALL!

Here’s how to decide if you should take your kids to see this:

1) Your kids aren’t easily scared

2) You don’t mind your little kids seeing an old woman with Triple-F sized tits walking around in pasties.

No shit.

Here’s one of the characters from a scene in the movie:


What. The. Fuck.

You could hear a collective gasp from the parents in the theater as we all went:

“Heh…heh…um…oh. Oh. Oh that’s really fucking inappropriate.”

If I want to see giant tits and pasties on an old broad, I’ll go visit my mother.

3) Your kids don’t like to laugh

This is not a “Finding Nemo.” There’s not a single laugh in the whole story.

The good part:

The 3D.

The 3D is awesomely done.

You know…if your kid can see through his petrified tears.

My Score:

2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Did I mention the kid ghosts?

The ghosts who had their eyes removed and are now dead…

…and Coraline has to GO SEARCH FOR THEIR MISSING EYES in order to set them free to go to Heaven?

* cricket

Or the giant evil spider-lady with black eyes and needles for fingers and legs?

Yeah.

This isn’t scary at all.

Moog out.

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Haven’t had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

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Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we’ll see what we can do.

Well, it wouldn’t be my site if I didn’t have a kid’s movie to bitch about.

My kids make me see bad movies.

It’s what they do.

Today’s review:

The Tale of Despereaux


Eh.

I liked this movie better the first time I saw it and it was called Ratatouille.

Seriously.

How many movies can you have about rodents where the plot primarily revolves around soup?

SOUP?!?

Seriously – I’m French, and I don’t sit around eating fucking soup all day.

I mean, I like soup..don’t get me wrong.

But my world wouldn’t end if I couldn’t find a packet of Lipton Cup-a-Soup in the fucking house.


The primary difference in this movie is that rats are bad.

Ratatouille = rats are good.

Despereaux = rats are evil.

Way to confuse the kids there.

The main character, Despereaux, is voiced by Matthew Broderick.

I can see this…

…as surely Matthew Broderick is desperATE to stop banging Sarah Jessica Parker.

God – even the mere mention of her name shrinks my dick.


Despereaux is different from other mice in that he is adventurous, considerate and has courage.

How he teaches these traits to others through his actions is primarily the moral of the story.

Oh yeah – and rats are like little tiny Rachael Rays with longer tails.

Evil, I say. Evil.

This movie SHOULD have been better with the cast of characters:

Dustin Hoffman

Emma Watson

Kevin Kline

William H. Macy

Christopher Lloyd

Sigourney Weaver

Listen – if they ever make an actual movie with all these people in it, it’s gonna be good.

This one?

Not so much.

My Score:

1-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)

My kids liked it, so I gave it an extra 1/2 splat.

Excuse me, now.

I’m dying for some soup.

I am French, you know.

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Haven’t had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.
***********************

Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we’ll see what we can do.

Today on Moog’s Movie Reviews, I’m reviewing the latest kid-flick:

Bolt


The wife and I took the kids to see this the day after Thanksgiving.

Along with 7,000,000 other parents.

Including the broad who fell asleep in the row behind me while her four year old daughter KEPT KICKING MY F*CKING CHAIR SERIOUSLY KID I WILL RIP YOUR F*CKING LEGS OFF IF YOU DON’T STOP I SWEAR IT.

Ahem.

It was a joyous event.

Bolt (voiced by John Travolta) is about a scientologist who is banging Kelly Preston.

Oops. Sorry. That’s Travolta.

Prick.


Bolt is about a dog with super powers including, but not limited to:

1) Laser Vision
2) A Super Bark
3) Super Strength
4) Supersonic leg-humping ability

The problem is, that he BELIEVES he has these powers, but really doesn’t.

This is because Bolt is actually the star of a TV show about a “super dog” – and the producers and cast want to make sure he believes this so his grit and determination appear real on the set.

I believe they did this same trick with Lynda Carter in Wonder Woman.

OMG. I would let Lynda Carter lasso me any time.

But I’ve digressed.


When his “person” is kidnapped (“Penny” voiced by Miley Cyrus…um..is she legal yet?)in a story plot, Bolt believes this is real and breaks out of the set in an attempt to rescue her.

Thus, the movie revolves around Bolt’s quest and coming to terms with the fact that he is not, in fact, super.

On the way he befriends two other characters, a cat and a hamster.

The hamster pretty much steals every scene he’s in, and is pretty much worth the price of admission alone.


I laughed a lot during this movie, causing my wife – at one point – to look at me from three seats away and mouth:

“SHUT. UP.”

Apparently, I was that one loud jackass who’s killing himself while everyone else is mildly chuckling.

Awesome.

Regardless, I highly recommend Bolt for the entire family.

My Score:

3-1/2 Mooge Splats (out of a possible four)


Now…excuse me…

…I’m off to rent the Wonder Woman DVD set.

Lynda Carter, I have a wonderful night planned with you, me, the remote, and a big box of tissues.

I’m gonna lasso that asso.

Moog out.

*************************

Want to be a reviewer? Send me a review!!

Want a movie reviewed? Let me know!

Email me here, or via the link on the right of the page and we’ll see what we can do.

***********************
Haven’t had enough?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Mental Poo.

***********************