>The Best and Worst of Splitsville

Posted: February 9, 2011 in divorce, I'm an asshole

>
So..thinking about getting that divorce are you?

Today I bring you a list of:

The Best and Worst Things about being Divorced and Living Alone

Best:
You get to watch Internet porn with the sound on!

Worst:
Excitement over being FINALLY able to watch porn and not have to wait for your wife to go to bed (“Oh..I’m gonna stay up a little longer and watch..um..Sportcenter.”) AND watch it with the sound on makes you crank it way the Hell up and now all the neighbors in your apartment think you’re nailing both men AND women three times a day to the WORST. MIX TAPE. EVER.


*****************

Best:
You get to poop with the bathroom door open.

Worst:
Your apartment smells like shit.


*****************

Best:
You get to re-enter the dating world and meet new people!

Worst:
There’s a damn good reason why most of the people you’re meeting aren’t married, either.


*****************

Best:
You can eat cereal for supper!

Worst:
You eat cereal for supper.

*****************

Best:
When your kids come to visit, you can relive your college days by sleeping on the pullout sofa.

Worst:
Discovering that pullout sofas are way more comfortable when you’re 19 and passed out from drinking a fifth of vodka and have no idea people are drawing penises on you with markers ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! THIS IS PERMANENT INK!!!

Friends can be ASSHOLES.


*****************

Best:
You don’t have to pay for hot water because it’s included in your rent.

Worst:
Everyone else in your building realizes that they don’t have to pay for hot water either so your shower becomes an episode of Survivor as you try to win immunity from either freezing to death or having your skin scalded off.


*****************

Best:
You meet many new people who live in your building of varying ethnicities and social status

Worst:
Realizing you’re actually one of these people.

Worst Runner Up:
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SMELL IN THE HALLWAY? Is that…is that HAGGIS?!? It’s 7 in the morning for chrissakes!!

*****************

Best:

Your money is yours and you can do with it what you wish!

Worst:
Your ex-wife can also do what she wishes with your money, too.

I’m gonna get shit for that last one, I just know it.

No worries.

I’ll just crank up this porn.

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