>Decorating Your Way to Holiday Failure

Posted: December 27, 2010 in Christmas, kids, parenting, the shit i learn

>If you ever want to feel like a complete and utter failure above and beyond realizing that you probably subscribe to this blog and just laughed at the post where I shit myself or was attacked by shampoo and you may or may not have purchased one of my AMAZING COFFEE MUGS (less than $12!!) then may I suggest the following:

Build a gingerbread ANYTHING.

Example #1: The Gingerbread Shanty

My ex-wife was the first to delve into this shitty idea by first trying to build a “Gingerbread Village” with the kids.

I got this picture message from her while they were working on it:

“What the village is supposed 2 look like”

Immediately followed by this picture message:

“Our ghetto village”

Two seconds later, I get this other text from her:

“We were supposed to get 5 houses. instead we got 4 trailers and a tenament house”

And then I died laughing.


Ex or not, she still makes me crack the Hell up.

Example #2: Jimmy the Very Special Choo-Choo

Shortly after, the kids and I, in a fit of my infinite wisdom, tried to build a gingerbread choo-choo train because, well, I thought it would be a good idea and fun and apparently I’m really stupid.

Just before we started, I Tweeted this:

Seriously – I’ve installed toilet seats that resulted in building evacuations.

Not so handy.

Regardless, here’s what it’s supposed to look like:

This is what it ended up like:



The resemblance to the box is uncanny.

Then I Tweeted this:

The highlight of the evening, though, was when my kids posed for pictures with the gingerbread pieces.


Nothing like a little bit of Nazi Germany to brighten up your holiday.

Maybe we should have just eaten the things after that instead of trying to decorate them and hearing my kids say things like, “Well..this is just horrible” and “OH NO IT’S FALLING OVER!” over and over again.

I hear that enough during sex.

Happy Holidays to you and your ghetto villagers.

Moog out.


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