>Ren-ASS-ance Faire

Posted: October 14, 2010 in kids, parenting, vacation, wtf

>Thou art strange.

Eth.

I recently took the kids yet again to the local New England Renaissance Faire called King Richard’s Faire which also goes by the name:

“Boobies Boobies Boobalicious Boobfest, 2010.”

(Trademark Pending).


If you’ve ever been to these things they can be kind of cool especially if you like looking at lots and lots of breasts or – going the other route – have never seen a breast because you’ve been playing Dungeons and Dragons and, that’s right Nerdy McNerderson, this is your moment to shine.

And by ‘shine’ I mean ‘dress up like a complete ASSHOLE.’

Freak.

Here are just a couple of things I captured for your entertainment:

The Torture Show

So, our very first stop when we walked through the gates at 10:30 in the morning was a show called The Torture Show.”

It was at this show that we saw the guy literally put HOOKS INTO HIS EYE SOCKETS AND THEN PULL ON THEM WITH A CHAIN OMG ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.

So, you know…

That was awesome.

On a related note, I’m pretty sure Matthew Broderick feels like doing this every single morning when he wakes up and rolls over.

Other People Can’t Take Pictures

So, the kids and I go take a seat near the Jousting Field and this guy in front of us with some weird accent (not the Walmart-Stock-Boy-attempting-to-do-a-British-accent-like-everyone-else-here kind) asks me to take a picture of him and his family.

No problem. I mean, even though I’m a Republican and you have an accent which means I probably shouldn’t like you it IS a Sunday and even racism and intolerance needs a break every once in a while.

Man. Sometimes I’m so philosophical it’s ridiculous.

So I ask him to return the favor and take a pic of me and the kids.

Here’s what I get when I look at the photo:

WTF, dude.

Apparently, he translated “Would you mind taking our picture now?” into “Please take a picture of everything EXCEPT us and even if you DO manage to capture us in a tiny portion of the picture can you make sure that you don’t get all of me, too? Because I would hate to have any long lasting memories of this day that actually show that we were in attendance. That would be great. Thanks.”

Meengya.

The Velvet Asshat

So we’re sitting there and to my immediate right is this asshole:

Let’s break this jackass down for you:

Dude.

At least put your teeth in.

The King is here, for Chrissakes.

The Discounted Asshat

Then just when I don’t think I can be surrounded by any more weird people dressed in this crap FOR FUN this guy sits to the right just behind me:

So I took this picture kind of secretly and when his head was turned because he actually had weapons on him and I’m not so sure you can trust the mental stability of any asshole who dresses like this on a Saturday.

That’s when he PULLS OUT A MACE and not the spray kind that only stings for a little bit and you can continue with your assault if you build up enough tolerance but the kind with SHITLOADS OF SPIKES on it that has to be wrapped up in bubble wrap lest ye kill someone with it.


As he’s showing it to the people he’s with (I find it hard to say ‘friends’ here) he goes:

“They gave me $50 off this because I was already wearing two of their swords.”

*blink

And, scene.

Then some jousting happened and there was blood and yelling and then we got the Hell out of there because, you know, THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO LOOK LIKE PIRATES WITH MACES HERE.

Screweth that shit.

Moog outeth.

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