Why I Pay for Happy Endings

Posted: August 18, 2010 in rants, wtf


Now I’ll have to travel pretty far to get a happy ending.

Well…farther than usual.

Let me explain.

I read in the newspaper the other night (YES! He reads!) that the local Friendly’s will be torn down to make parking spaces for a new grocery store.

For those of you not on the East Coast of the United States (read: losers), Friendly’s is a shitty little restaurant chain that specializes in…

…wait for it…

ICE CREAM.

That’s right.

A restaurant that revolves around hot fudge, whipped topping and nuts.

Just like a gay male orgy.

Don’t ask me how I know this.


I’m going to miss Friendly’s because it’s the only place that my family can get full bellies AND E-Coli poisoning for under $20.

You know, you just can’t find that kind of value anywhere else unless you pay a local crack whore for the ‘tossed salad special.’

I’ve digressed.

A lot.

How Friendly’s has remained outside of sexual harassment lawsuits, though, is still a mystery.

Why?

Well…let’s take a look at their menu:

Exhibit A: The Fribble

The Fribble.

I know what you’re thinking.

A fribble sounds like the technical term for a fat chick who spits.

Friend #1: “Dude…she swallow?”

Friend #2: “No, man. Bitch totally fribbled it.”


Fribble.

This is Friendly’s name for a milk shake.

Bet you never have one again now.

At least, not a vanilla one.


Exhibit B: Jim Dandy

Jim Dandy is a sundae.

Jim Dandy is fucking huge and has a banana.

* wink

If this isn’t some guy’s porno name right now, it needs to be.

WARNING: The next 6 inches of this blog contains a dirty picture. If you want to avoid cartoon porn, scroll down REALLY FAST RIGHT NOW!!

On a related note, it’s friggin’ hilarious.

K.

So, I went looking for a picture of a guy with a porn moustache to go along here.

Here’s what I came up with:


My apologies to people who didn’t want to see Shrek getting a blowjob.

Holy fuckshit, I’m still laughing.

You know, I’ve always wondered about that (like you’re surprised) – and some blessed soul out there had the talent to make it happen for me.

I thank you.

It’s nice to know I’m not the only twisted fuck out there.

Now, if the person could get me a picture of Donkey and Dragon trying 69, I’d appreciate it.

Thanks in advance.

Okay…

….back to Friendly’s porn menu.

Phew.

Exhibit C: The Happy Ending

No shit.

They sell “Happy Endings.”

Imagine my surprise when I went to Friendly’s and asked for a Happy Ending and the bitch brought me fucking ice cream.

Does the hand job come after I eat it?

No?

THIS is the Happy Ending?

I mean, I screwed it, sure.

But it’s just not what I was expecting.

Apparently, neither was security.


Helpful tip:

Never have sex with chunky ice cream. Sure, your dick may smell like peanut butter, but frozen chocolate chunks leave scars.

You’re welcome.

Gonna miss ya, Friendly’s.

Jim Dandy signing off.

Man.

Friggin’ Shrek picture…holy shit.

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