Handy Incapable

Posted: August 13, 2010 in about me, rants

From the archives of “This Moooooog’s House,” comes:

“You know you’re not handy when…”


Do you like your men burly and rugged?

Do you like your men self-sufficient and able to take on any task with ease?

Do you like your men with grease on their face, a dirty rag in their back pocket and a power tool in each hand?

Well, then, ladies…

You’re in the right place.

Because that guy sounds just like my contractor.

I’ll see if I can hook you guys up.

I’ll be in the living room playing XBox and eating Doritos.

You see, I’ve tried being handy.

Let’s just call that ‘Epic Fail’ and continue on with some examples, shall we?


1) Ten minutes into replacing a toilet seat, your kid knocks on the bathroom door and says:

“Hey…do you need help in there?”

Thanks, hon.

It wasn’t humiliating enough realizing that I’ve been in here for TEN FUCKING MINUTES trying to remove a goddamn toilet seat, so could you please come in here and help me remove these two bolts?

You’re a dear.

2) Your entire tool kit consists of a power screw driver that may or may not work, three different sizes of Robo Grips that your father in law gave you 12 years ago, and some speaker wire.

I have a giant Sears tool chest that houses these four items and something else that resembles some type of shiv.


3) Your idea of ‘refinishing the hardwood floors’ consists of pouring a half gallon of polyurethane over the floor straight from the can and spreading it around with a Swiffer.

Sanding the floor ahead of time was not an option as I was unable to figure out how to do it using speaker wire and Robo Grips.

4) You are sometimes covered in your own feces.

This may also be the sign of a sick, sick fetish.

Don’t ask me how I know that.

5) You’ve paid a contractor to come and tighten your faucet.

I’m not proud.

I probably could have done that if I’d figured out how to use the damn Robo Grips.

I’d go try to find the instructions, but this XBox isn’t going to play itself.

Moog out.


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