>Rainforests and the Freedom to Ride Your Own Poop

Posted: June 30, 2010 in kids, parenting, wtf

Took my kids to Rainforest Cafe.

Rainforest Cafe Marketing Slogan:

By the time you leave this obnoxious overpriced restaurant, you’ll want to pave over the rainforest!! TWICE!

Oh. Great. Another ‘thunderstorm’ and the ‘animals’ are going ‘fucking crazy’ and CAN YOU PLEASE TURN THE VOLUME DOWN OR GIVE ME A GUN?!?!

Seriously. The more I eat there, the more I want to help fund the deforestation effort.

We sat by the waterfall which should really be called the WHATerfall” because if you try to hold a conversation next to a waterfall with a half naked man holding up a globe and water crashing down and SPRINKLING YOU?!? I’M TRYING TO EAT HERE, WTF?! you spend half your time talking to your family going:


So. Relaxing.

Regardless, me and the kids went to Rainforest Cafe WITHOUT THEIR MOM which meant one thing for the three of us:


Sir William Wallace knows the shit I’m talkin’ about.

Case in point…


The kids menu came with an ad lib which we filled out with all kinds of stuff that would be deemed ‘inappropriate’ or ‘childish’ or ‘probably illegal to discuss with children under 13 in most states.’

Here’s how the mom-free non-censorship Ad-Lib came out:

Exercising makes me feel SQUISHY! On sunny days, I love to FART and ride my POOP. I also like to PEE with my friend, ERIC. On rainy days, I enjoy FARTING in my CEREAL. Sometimes RYLEY comes over and we GO TO THE BATHROOM together. When it’s snack time, I like to eat VOMIT and sometimes OLD PEOPLE WITH THOSE WALKER THINGS. When I JUMP these foods, I feel TWITCHY.

Needless to say I was crying laughing at the ‘ride my poop’ part and swelling with such a sense of pride that I almost didn’t want to eat my plate of old people with those walker things.

Which is probably better..since everytime I jump them I feel all twitchy.




I’ve created an audition tape to try and have my VERY OWN TALK SHOW!!

This is not a drill.

Please check it out and vote for me. That would be awesome.

Then what would be awesome is if you spread the word and got me even more votes.

Then I get rich and we’re all happy. And by ‘we’re all happy’ I mean “I am.” I see this as a win.


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