That Ain’t Milk, Honey

Posted: May 26, 2010 in kids, parenting, wtf

..and inside, a little part of me died that day.

Let me explain.

I took my son to see Professional Bull Riding recently.

PBR Marketing Slogan: Come for the excitement, stay to hear the words “cotton pickin'” used in actual sentences ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!


Regardless, after dissuading my son from wanting to buy a cowboy hat by giving him the old ‘Only two things come from Texas, son’ speech and having him look at me and then ask what a queer was and then what a steer was and then have security called to see if “Everything was okay over here because people are frightened for the boy” he decided on just buying a stuffed bull.

The bull he decided on was named, and I’m not kidding, Chicken on a Chain.”

I was hesitant at buying this because “Chicken on a Chain” is also a game I used to play with that dominatrix in Montreal but we’re here to talk about my son’s stuffed animal and not my fetish for farm animals covered in leather and THAT’S RIGHT SAY “BOK BOK” BITCH!

Perhaps I’ve said too much.


So we buy the stuffed bull and bring it home.

Later that night, I’m at the stove and the stuffed bull is on the counter behind me because where else should a stuffed bull be except near the fruit bowl in the friggin kitchen.

That’s when I hear my daughter behind me say:

“Daddy! Look! I’m milking the bull!”

I don’t turn around, but say:

“Honey..you can’t milk bulls. Only cows.”

* pause

Daughter: “Then what are THESE?”

It’s at this point that I turn around and actually look at Chicken on a Chain closely for the very first time.

Okay..I..

..um..


Yep.

The stuffed bull has a dick and balls.

My daughter is pretending to milk it.

So..you know..

That was awesome.

Why the makers of this toy decided to go ahead and LITERALLY sew on a sack of balls on this thing I have no idea other than they are out of their cotton pickin’ minds.

Great.

My daughter is fondling stuffed bull balls and I just used “cotton pickin'” in an actual sentence.

I may just join the PBR tour now.

I hear there’s a chance of death.

That would be pretty welcome right about now.

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Comments
  1. Jen says:

    As a kid who grew up with Ken dolls that were not anatomically correct I am actually pleased with this. Kids should know about these things. If you ever go to London and order the bulls balls for dinner you will know how many it can serve. The dish is not just an appetizer. There are some children's toys at Target, plastic horses and other farm animals, they are all anatomically correct. Take a gander at the underside of the horse. My daughter wanted one and I had to pick through all of them to find the female animals. Apparently I was not alone because all that were left were male animals. Think of it this way, you have just tackled one very awkward talk with your daughter and hopefully educated her on proper handling.

  2. Joann Mannix says:

    Only you would inadvertently buy a stuffed animal complete with lifelike genitalia. I think anything to do with balls and dicks seeks you out. You must give off a wiener pheromone. Man, your poor girl. Pray she doesn't grow up with an unquenchable desire to become a cattle rancher. That could be bad.

  3. Joann Mannix says:

    And Jen, what does that say about boy parts vs girl parts, when all the boy horses are left in the bin. Girls are just prettier everywhere. My sisters and I never played with Eunuch Ken growing up. We always preferred our brothers' GI Joes, instead. Barbie appreciated it.

  4. Jen says:

    Joann, you are right G.I. Joe was hung much better than Ken could even dream. I think what it says is that parents don't want to have the conversation that Mooooog just had with his daughter. I tell you those horses were stereotypically endowed.

  5. Tracie says:

    My kids would be punching it in 'the privates' as they say. Just for extra practice.

  6. Jessica says:

    So many things wrong with this.

  7. Elly Lou says:

    At least they don't make those high pitched squeak noises when you squeeze them. Wait, they don't do they?You should probably pour that PBR into a mason jar.

  8. carissa says:

    Oh my gosh that's just amazing. Well at least you can get an early start with the balls and the bees speech.. or something like that.

  9. steff says:

    dude! that was both so hilarious and so disturbing at the same time. coincidentally that is just the way i like to start my day.

  10. Miss Yvonne says:

    Chicken on a chain? I'm equal parts scared and in awe of your son's brain.

  11. Moooooog35 says:

    Jen: If you could rephrase that in, like, a single sentence I would appreciate it.Joanne: You and Jen need to get a room.Take pics!Tracie: You sound like most women I've met.Jessica: NO. KIDDING.Elly: All males make high pitched squeaking noises when you squeeze their balls.Carissa: Balls and the bees? Man..I had that all wrong.Steff: You like to start your day discussing bull testicles?Weird.Miss Yvonne: That is the ACTUAL NAME of the bull. In real life. I have no idea, either.

  12. Brutalism says:

    The dominatrix from Montreal only did the chicken dance with me.Glad I paid in Canadian dollars.

  13. Mrsblogalot says:

    I would have tried to get milk out of 'em too…always do.

  14. Coffeypot says:

    It would be cool to have a cow anatomically correct…and like have it as a pencil sharpener.

  15. WILLIAM says:

    Wow. That bull is hung like a horse. regarding your leather clad chicken fetish was it just chickens? Or did the canadien dominatrix also dress as a rooster? Do you like leather covered cocks? Which brings us right back to bull penis.

  16. Salt says:

    Noooooooo!!! hahahahahaha OMG. I die.That is the best thing to ever come out of a rodeo.

  17. When your daughter asked "Then what are THESE?," did you reply, nonchalantly "Rocky Mountain Oysters?"And, if she responded with "Huh?" or a blank stare, did you shrug and say "They're like little bull spunk factories?"That's how I picture that scenario playing out.

  18. tulpen says:

    TeeHeeFuckingHee!So perfectly wrong it made my day.

  19. That has GOT to be some manufacturing defect rather than an intentionally-designed set of bull genitalia.Then again, you never know with those rednecks.And that Montreal dominatrix . . . her name wasn't Marie Suzette LeDoux by any chance, was it? I mean, I'm just asking. No particular personal relevance.

  20. That's the most disturbing bull dick ever. It looks like he's pitching a tent under his skin. I want to cut it open and let it free! Free Willy!!

  21. Wow! It's been a long time since I've been in the toy section at the store . . . LoL I didn't know toys came anatomically correct!

  22. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahahahahahha! That poor kid. So innocent. And what the hell is up with that bull junk thing? I've never examined a bull that closely but I'm pretty sure that's all wrong. Although I was pretty impressed with the Wall Street bull's shiny big brass balls when I lived in New York. The bull was all weathered and darkened but he had the shiniest balls you ever saw thanks to tourists insistence on polishing them for photos. It's all about the balls and bovines today for you and me, you are correct. I am terrified. We ARE related.

  23. Your children need a cultural intervention. Monster truck rallies, bull riding–no more events with an announcer that says, "Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!"Course, if your daughter can milk a bull, she'll make a fortune. Put that kid to work!

  24. Moooooog35 says:

    Brutalism: She did the dance with me, too. The 'clap' part was really painful.Mrsblogalot: You must know some happy bulls.Coffey: Um. K.William: Way to go full circle!That's what she said.What?Salt: The best thing ever to come out of a rodeo was ME. Leaving. Jeremy: Later that day, I explained that it was the bull's 'junk.'That's about as technical as I get.tulpen: Thank you. BUY A MUG!Chris: No, sir. Those are fully stitched on balls.Yay.Steam Me: * blinkMeeko: You have to pay 12 bucks and see bull riding to get this wonderfully correct toy.Awesome.Veggie: Hey..if we can't share humorous stories about cow genitalia, who can?Hiphop: I'm all about exposing them to things they'll have memories about.Or nightmares, in this case.I'm awesome.

  25. Beta Dad says:

    Have you ever seen those walking sticks made out of bull dongs? You really should get one of those so you can use it as a visual aid to properly explain sex/animal husbandry to your daughter. She probably won't suffer any long-term psychological scars.

  26. Don says:

    I here the PBR tour has jobs for massage therapists. I'm not sure now if it's for the bulls or the riders.

  27. I have no comeback for this. But it was a hilarious post.

  28. Nicky says:

    Um, Mooooog? Chicken. Montreal. Dominatrix. Dude, you're blowing my cover.I know, that's what she said.

  29. This really happened? No bull?

  30. Shoot that for YouTube see if it gets banned

  31. Scope says:

    Winner, winner, chicken dinner! I left you an award over at SCOPE-TECH. But you already know that.

  32. Moooooog35 says:

    Beta: Um. Where the fuck do you live where there are walking sticks made out of bull penis? (penii? peniseses?)I would move.Don: I'm sure you'd be a shoo in.Nanny: I have no comments either and I LIVED it.Nicky: If I remember correctly, you HAD no cover.injaynes: Everything here really happens.So. Sad.Malach: I smell viral!!Scope: Nice tie-in with winner and chicken. Alas..there are no winners when your daughter is playing with bull balls.

  33. Scope says:

    Well, someone's not looking at it from the bull's POV.

  34. "Chicken on a Chain" is also a game I used to play with that dominatrix in Montreal"You know I thought I was pretty with it, but I am learning so many new expressions from your blog…How about that- you are doing an educational service whenever you refer to the different sexual "terms" on your blog-for that I thank you *L*

  35. Toe says:

    It looks as though the bull may have a goiter also.

  36. kathcom says:

    "Because every stuffed child's toy should have a realistic ejaculatory system." You're killing me!You're a bad influence on me because I just thought about a stuffed child and there's someone on TV talking about BP doing a "junk shot" and I heard it in a whole new way. I love you, man.

  37. Kris says:

    I say Boy Howdy a lot.I am deeply ashamed.

  38. I am totally freaked out by the fact that your fake stuffed bull has lifelike genitalia! That's so wrong on so many levels!

  39. Pat says:

    I got nothing….I'm laughing too hard. Kids say the darndest things! ha ha!

  40. Ed says:

    You are just jealous cause that stuffed bull gets more action than you.

  41. Ed says:

    You are just jealous cause that stuffed bull gets more action than you.

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