How to Get Social Services to Take your Children Away

Posted: May 24, 2010 in kids, parenting


That’s the number of times I’m assuming I’ll have to pick my kids up from detention when all is said and done.

Two cases in point:

#1: The Roman Who Liked to Give

The four of us are traveling in the car the other day, when my wife looks at me and says:

Wife: “Got a joke for you.”

My wife never tells jokes.

There is a very good reason for this.

Me: “GO.”

Wife: “Why was the Roman guy happy?”

Me: “No idea.”

Wife: “Because he was gladiator.”

* blink

Wife: “He was GLAD-I-A-TOR.”

* blink

Wife: “Ugh. He was GLAD HE ATE HER.”

Me: “Ah.”

Then…from the back…

My 6 year old son and 9 year old daughter who have been LISTENING to all of this…


Cam: “He was GLAD HE ATE HER.”

Payton: “He ATE her. And he was GLAD.”

Cam: NOM NOM NOM. He is SO glad he ate her!”

Nice job, honey.

Got our two kids laughing at each other about cunnilingus.



#2: Crouching Doggy, Hidden Kiss Ass

I’m sitting on the couch with my son the other night, my daughter on the chair next to us and my wife in the 3/4 bath doing her nails or something.

My dog, Sophie, is in complete FREAK OUT mode.

Running around the room..jumping on the chairs..growling…jumping down..back up.

She leaps on the couch, crouches down with her front paws and stares at me.

My dog’s ass is up in the air…

RIGHT in Cam’s face.


Me: “When a girl does that, it means she likes you.”

* cricket

I thought THAT was going to be the highlight of the conversation.

That is, until Cam said:

Cam: “You mean she wants me to kiss her ass?”

* blink

After we finished trying to tell him that was NOT OKAY to say while simultaneously dying fucking laughing which probably didn’t go very far in proving to him that that was wrong obviously but HOLY SHIT did you just really say that? OKAYOKAYOKAY you can’t really say that (insert 5 minute bout of laughter here) because you’ll go right to the principal’s office.


I’m thinking 567,983 might be a conservative estimate.

  1. Mrsblogalot says:

    HAAAAA!!! Unless the principal's a woman (-:Ahhh….these kids learn so young these days.

  2. lololol you had me rolling

  3. BigSis says:

    Of course you are hilarious, I expect that. What I don't expect is a reference to the 3/4 bath. That's so… domestic. I see a glimpse to another side of you…

  4. Jessica says:

    Are your children blogging yet?

  5. you lost me at russell crowe. he always distracts me with his hotness.

  6. Nicky says:

    I'm sure your kids will never get that many detentions. They'll get thrown out of school long before they hit that number.

  7. Cassie says:

    Forget college, you better start saving up for therapy. (For their teachers)

  8. Brutalism says:

    Awww…your house is just like "Leave it to Beaver." (Gladiator Beaver…ha ha ha ha ho ho chortle snort tittler wheeze guffaw chuckle snicker laugh cough)

  9. I'm so disappointed. I read the heading and got all excited thinking it was a "How To" post and dammit,I can't use any of this on my teen daughters.Thanks a lot.

  10. Elly Lou says:

    At least he didn't lick it?

  11. Lmao. I actually feel kind of sorry for your children… :)But I'm kind of with Jessica on this. The day your children start blogging, I get a feeling you might become obsolete. 😛

  12. MommaKiss says:

    your wife's jokes are worse than my 4 year old's. and I was going to say the same about the kid licking the dog's ass. You missed out on good blog fodder there. my kid? He loves to single digit our dog's brown eye. He LOVES it.

  13. Joann Mannix says:

    If you can't laugh about cunnilingus, what else is there?And yes, I was holding my breath trying not to get ill because I did think your boy was about to lick the dog's ass. You did say he takes after you, right?

  14. Moooooog35 says:

    Mrsblogalot: wait…they're LEARNING?! How do you make it stop?!?Hearts: Maybe you should chock yourself with a block of wood or something to keep that from happening.BigSis: You should see the photos of me holding a Swiffer.Jessica: I suspect that's coming soon.That's what she said.Alexa: I meant for that to idea.Nicky: Good point.Oooh. Another 'that's what she said!'Cassie: Like I have that kind of coin.BUY A MUG!Brutalism: You are brilliant.Christina: How old are your daughters? I'm just saying maybe I could tutor or something.Elly: Um. What?Christina: I'm already obsolete.Stupid vibrators.Momma: Like mother like son.

  15. The only reason I want to have kids is to teach them how to swear.

  16. Don says:

    God! What a great, and weird, childhood your kids must have. Lucky little shits for sure dude. Too bad Sophie isn't trained to fart on cue.

  17. That is hilarious. My daughter was laying on my lap the other day and then was trying to kick herself in the crotch. I asked what she was doing and she said…Well mom, I am kicking myself in the nuts. I just about peed myself.

  18. "She wants me to kiss her ass."Sounds like the kid has it all figured out.

  19. Man I hope your kids grow up sane in spite of their father!!! LOLYou are totally hilarious.

  20. Jenny DB says:

    your kids have some great material for their blogs someday

  21. AHAHhahahahhahHAHAHhahahaHAHHAhahahhahahahahaHHHahahhAHhAHAhHAhhahhAhHAhHAhhIm lauging so much I can barely type this comment!!AhahahahHAHAHhahahhAahhaha

  22. Carol says:

    You are killing me!!!

  23. Move to MA, Protective Services never takes the kids away here

  24. thanks for the laugh…made me cry..

  25. *LMAO*You are in for so MUCH with your kids as they get older. Oh to be a fly on the wall…….*laughing hysterically*

  26. Damn coffee went everywhere! Now I have to clean up.AV

  27. Moooooog35 says:

    hiphop: there another reason?!Don: We're working on the Sophie-fart thing.Random: *blinkChris: He is wise beyond his me.Tee: There is NO chance they will grow up sane. none.JennyDb: Maybe they'll make MONEY on their blog.BUY A MUG!!Meleah: You're so easy.Carol: ..and now I must wipe the fingerprints off as evidence.Malach: You make it sound like I want to keep them.LivingDead: You're welcome.I think.LifeintheMom: Flies on the wall don't have a chance here. Dead instantly. Spiders, though..I'm afraid to go near them.AV: You need to start using a straw, dude.

  28. Amy Mullis says:

    Ah, those special little moments of parenting that make it all worthwhile. Hilarious!

  29. Jen says:

    Here's the thing, I have gotten so in the habit of tweeting and stumbling your posts I just do it right away and often don't even read them. Not that I don't want to but I've got this routine down and I'm trying to be efficient. Kinda like when a dog knows how to sit, lie down, and roll over and is so used to do it that she does a sort of somersault instead. I read this one and I do think you are low balling it.

  30. LB says:

    Where'd your wife get that one? From one of her 1st graders? Or from one of her 1st graders' parents? Either way, that was as bad as some of those notes she gets.Clearly the kids get their inappropriateness from their father…

  31. Annah says:

    Gladiator joke. Priceless 🙂

  32. Pat says:

    I just KNEW there was a reason why I loved those "GLAD-He-ATE-hers!" It wasn't just those outfits! LOL!And, yes, you are quite right. If a girl puts her ass in your face, it's a good indication that she likes you, and yes, you SHOULD kiss it. Just saying…

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