That’s the number of times I’m assuming I’ll have to pick my kids up from detention when all is said and done.
Two cases in point:
#1: The Roman Who Liked to Give
The four of us are traveling in the car the other day, when my wife looks at me and says:
Wife: “Got a joke for you.”
My wife never tells jokes.
There is a very good reason for this.
Wife: “Why was the Roman guy happy?”
Me: “No idea.”
Wife: “Because he was gladiator.”
Wife: “He was GLAD-I-A-TOR.”
Wife: “Ugh. He was GLAD HE ATE HER.”
My 6 year old son and 9 year old daughter who have been LISTENING to all of this…
Cam: “He was GLAD HE ATE HER.”
Payton: “He ATE her. And he was GLAD.”
Cam: “NOM NOM NOM. He is SO glad he ate her!”
Nice job, honey.
Got our two kids laughing at each other about cunnilingus.
#2: Crouching Doggy, Hidden Kiss Ass
I’m sitting on the couch with my son the other night, my daughter on the chair next to us and my wife in the 3/4 bath doing her nails or something.
My dog, Sophie, is in complete FREAK OUT mode.
Running around the room..jumping on the chairs..growling…jumping down..back up.
She leaps on the couch, crouches down with her front paws and stares at me.
My dog’s ass is up in the air…
RIGHT in Cam’s face.
Me: “When a girl does that, it means she likes you.”
I thought THAT was going to be the highlight of the conversation.
That is, until Cam said:
Cam: “You mean she wants me to kiss her ass?”
After we finished trying to tell him that was NOT OKAY to say while simultaneously dying fucking laughing which probably didn’t go very far in proving to him that that was wrong obviously but HOLY SHIT did you just really say that? OKAYOKAYOKAY you can’t really say that (insert 5 minute bout of laughter here) because you’ll go right to the principal’s office.
I’m thinking 567,983 might be a conservative estimate.