My Shampoo is Trying to Kill Me – WITH INTENSE DAMAGE!!

Posted: May 17, 2010 in my shampoo is trying to kill me, wtf


And now for another installment of ‘MY SHAMPOO IS TRYING TO KILL ME!’

Click here for Episode one.

Today’s Episode:

BEWARE OF INTENSE DAMAGE

So once again I’m in the shower today post-soap-masturbation and looking around at the various bottles of shampoo and shit when I see this one:


INTENSE DAMAGE!!

Listen, I know it actually says ‘Intense Damage THERAPY‘ but trust me on this that I couldn’t figure out a way to draw the bottle on a psychiatrist’s chair giving someone therapy. Actually, that’s a lie because I’m wicked good at drawing but then I decided this would be funnier and MY BLOG, MY RULES.


Where was I?

Oh.

INTENSE DAMAGE!!

So now I’m all like, “what the fuck is intense damage” and why would they BOTTLE SHIT LIKE THAT and does the military know this because instead of having our soldiers running around in a desert you just drop, like, twenty thousand bottles of INTENSE DAMAGE on the ground and just let them root those fuckers out.

Awesome.

But now I’m afraid to touch the bottle of shampoo because all I’m imagining is this shit:


And as I’m reaching for “INTENSE DAMAGE” and not really paying much attention to my surroundings because, HELLO…SHOWER

SNEAK ATTACK!


So now I’m all, like, the fuck? and now this stupid bottle starts going to town on my scalp and not in the OH I’M A TINGLY CONDITIONER kind of way but more like I WILL KILL YOU MOTHERFUCKER BECAUSE I AM “INTENSE DAMAGE” and you will FEAR ME, BITCH!


So now I’m lying there semi-conscious in a pool of my own blood and some semen because there was a really good movie on Cinemax last night that I was just thinking about and even though Dove “INTENSE DAMAGE” beats the shit out of you, their soap is a pretty decent non-penis-stinging whacking off lubricant.

The more you know.

And while I’m there and probably now gay because I’m lying in my own semen (that’s how it happens because Tom Cruise says so)

Intense Damage makes a break for it.


Hours later my family will find me and my son will remark on how his wiggly is bigger (I hate when he rubs that shit in my face..not literally..that’s gross) and they won’t believe my story about how I was viciously attacked by a bottle of shampoo.

Typical.

So, you know, that’s why I just decided to use soap to wash my hair instead.

It doesn’t sting.

Plus it’s 99.99% pure.

I’m pretty sure “Intense Damage” isn’t.

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Comments
  1. golddust3681 says:

    Glad you survived the intense damage to tell the world. And super glad that you found a non-stinging rub-dub. That's more difficult than people think, especially for chicks…since everything is all kinda right there…and the premium shit is expensive.Jesihttp://razorbladebrain.blogspot.com

  2. WILLIAM says:

    The .01 percent that is not pure…is because of your penis.

  3. The word "therapy" is just there to tell you what the results of using this shampoo will be. Or the results of reading this blog….not quite sure on that one yet….

  4. Mrsblogalot says:

    HAAA! Damn, I'm actually going to have to read all those warning labels now.And I'm holding out for a sperm clogging up the drain and plunger showdown caroon (-:

  5. MommaKiss says:

    must be difficult to know your son's wiggly is bigger than yours. and he's 6. tough life, there…tough life…

  6. wow… I would have never thought. Glad I buy the kind that doesn't mess with your color…. maybe I should keep my eye on it just in case though. They could be friends….

  7. Elly Lou says:

    If you pee on it, it's powers are neutralized. It's like a jellyfish in a bottle. But not like a recently captured jellyfish. That would just be oily and do all kinds of bad stuff to your hair. Wait, on second thought maybe it is an oil spill jellyfish. Hence the intense damage. I'm going back to bed.

  8. Dove is non-stinging. Got it.

  9. Eva Gallant says:

    Just a minute; let me dry the tears! You crack me up! But I'm afraid all Mental Poo addicts are going to be in need of intense therapy!

  10. Martie says:

    Wow. I guess your penis is tiny. There was no full frontal nudity on your stick man-self. THAT is intense damage!

  11. My penis hurts. Oh wait…

  12. Brutalism says:

    My hair washing seems so tame in comparison…

  13. where DID that hammer come from?

  14. Don says:

    Dude I love the killer illustrations with the blood and shit. Faces of Death is my favorite movie too. Think the military will let me have some of that shit? I want to see if it will eat a dog's face off.

  15. Moooooog35 says:

    golddust: wait…it stings your penis, too?William: Well..fine. Maybe it started out 100%. I'll give you that one.Aunt: I'm in it for the therapy kickbacks, yes.Mrsblogalot: I'm really unsure as to why you're holding out for that shit.To each his own.MommaKiss: Thanks for rubbing that shit in.That's what she said.Momma Drama: I'm like an encyclopedia of nothingness.Elly: are you suggesting that I pee in my shampoo?BRILLIANT!!Meeko: You're welcome.Eva: Just wait…Martie: In my defense, the shower was pretty cold.hiphop: I KNEW IT.Brutalism: You should go in mine. It's like a carnival of wtf in there.McGriddle: Figure that out, and we solve the mystery!Don: I hear the rest of it is kept in Area 51.But you didn't hear it from me.

  16. Joann Mannix says:

    Dude, Dude, Dude, I am just cracking up here at the "hate it when he rubs that shit in my face…not literally" and my teenaged daughter whose age is, too young to think about in the shower years old, is asking me, "What? What?"You are a holy mess of insane highway in that hot-wired brain of yours and I'm so very grateful that you're this wacked out. No pun intended. Who cleans the shower in your house?

  17. MommaKiss says:

    Just an observation…you have a lot of "momma"s here. I may need to change my name.

  18. You have more fun in the shower coming up with blog post material than I have all day. [How sad for me.]

  19. I don't mind the sudden appearance of hammers and such, I'm just thankful you didn't draw pools of semen.

  20. Ed says:

    I think the real reason you hate it when he rubs that shit in your face is because it reminds you of prison.

  21. You really need to find something more prodcutive to do at work

  22. Pat says:

    You are one sick dude. I like that in a person.

  23. Moooooog35 says:

    Joanne: Who cleans the wha?MommaKiss: You do. I may have some suggestions. None of them at all appropriate.Meleah: You should really see what goes on in there.I'll leave my webcam on next time.Nanny: I KNEW I forgot something!Ed: I know. We have such fond memories, don't we, Ed?*smoochMalach: For WHAT reason?Pat: If I had a nickel…

  24. You just went so much further with this image than I ever ever could. And, for this, thank you. :o)

  25. LiLu says:

    I could explain how this post led me here, but I'm not going to. I'm just going to leave you all to wonder.Enjoy.

  26. Jen says:

    You masturbate more than anyone I know. You should try baby shampoo.

  27. Katherine says:

    You are so over the top…. love it!

  28. Tracie says:

    I have an irrational fear of dying naked. Now I have to make sure my shampoo won't kill me.

  29. Ginny says:

    Now I have a handle on what's been happening to my shampoos and conditioners. The ones that've been disappearing from my shower rack. Thought my husband was gaslighting me. You know, to make me think I'm crazy so I'd get committed. Then I suspected shower zombies, but that seemed too, you know, rational. Never would have guessed those sneaky little suckers would come up with utility belts. Thanks to you, just caught L'Oreal's Vive Pro Hydra Gloss Moisturizing Shampoo ordering one online with MY Visa card. As we speak, I'm pouring that rat bastard down the drain. Must stay vigilant.

  30. steff says:

    if Tom Cruise says you're gay…YOU. ARE. GAY.it's in Dianetics.probably…

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