Poopy Pen

Posted: May 10, 2010 in poop, wife


The Answer:
Seriously, I have no fucking clue.

The Question:
How does your wife live with you?

Another iteration of that question:
How does your wife let you live?

That question has been posed by no less than 36 of my readers at one time or another.

I made that number up.

It’s probably higher…

…but once I get past the number of visible bodily parts I can count, I usually give up counting shit.

The abacus is the tool of the Devil.


Regardless…this is a pretty good question.

Case in point:

My wife has a favorite pen.

That’s not slang for anything…it’s an actual pen.

In our vast junk drawer of pencils, rulers, screwdrivers, markers and anal beads…

..she will always use this pen.

(reminder here to ask my daughter for those beads…she’s currently using them as a bracelet)

(second reminder here to make sure she washes her hands really really well)


In my wife’s defense, it’s a nice pen.

It writes nice and smooth. It has excellent counter-weight and balance.

And, unlike the majority of pens in our junk drawer:

It actually has some ink in it.

Me: “Every fucking pen in this drawer doesn’t write!!”

Wife: “The ones you find in there with no ink…are you throwing them out?

Me: “No. Why?”

The next day:

Me: “Every fucking pen in this drawer doesn’t write!!”

My wife has headaches a lot.


So my wife uses this pen almost exclusively.

When I’m not using it.

You see…

I poo.

I poo a lot.

I like to poo.

I have it listed on my resume under ‘Hobbies and Interests.’

I don’t get a lot of calls from Monster.com.

Hold on.

Me: “That’s two double cheeseburgers. Would you like fries with that?”

Stupid job.

(click to enlarge)


I usually take about 20 minutes for a classic good-to-go crap.

This means that I have a lot of time to kill on the john when I’m not trying to massage my legs to get the feeling back in them.

So I do puzzles.

Sudoku.

Cryptoquotes.

Drawing smiley faces on my penis.

All these things require the use of a pen.

Me: “Well don’t we look angry today, Mr. Wiggly. Maybe this beating will get you back in line! Take that…and..that! And how you like them apples, huh?! HUH?!?”

Perhaps I’ve said too much.


So, with newspaper in hand the other morning, I reached in the drawer and grabbed my wife’s favorite pen.

Wife: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Um. Hello? It’s 6:30 in the morning.”

Sometimes my wife doesn’t think.

The caca train comes promptly at 6:30 every morning and waits for no man.

Wife: “No. I meant what are you doing with my pen?”

Oh.

Me: “Drawing faces on my pe…I’m doing the Sudoku puzzle.”

Phew.

Bullet. Dodged.

Wife: “DON’T. RUIN IT.”

Ruin it?

How am I going to ruin a pen?

Jesus woman…give me some fucking credit.

(One minute later)

* PLOOP *

Yep.

Pen slips out of my hand and falls right in the fucking toilet.

********

Rodney: Providing fodder for God’s sick sense of humor since 1968.

********


I react:

Me: “OH. OH NO.”

Wife (yelling from the kitchen): “What did you do to my pen?!”

How does she know what just happened?

Me: “Um. Your pen just fell in the toilet.”

The last time fate laughed at me like this is when I was a kid the day after Halloween and wanted to go outside with my mask on.

For some reason, my mother didn’t want me going outside with a mask on that had the ability to completely obscure 90% of my peripheral vision.

I rebelled at an early age.

I started to go out anyway.

My mother said:

“If you go out with that on, God will punish you.”

Nicely played, mom.

So, you’re saying that God will punish me for wearing a fucking mask outside? What the fuck?

Seriously, am I his biggest fucking problem today?

Last time I checked, ‘Dance Fever’ was on the cusp of cancellation. Can’t he deal with that shit?

Adrian Zmed, you are no Deney Terrio.


I was confident that God had better shit to do.

So I bolted out the door.

Mask on,I immediately tripped and fell down the concrete steps of my house which I couldn’t fucking see because of this stupid fucking mask and ripped the shit out of my hands, arms and knees.

God: 1
Rod: 0

(As I go on through life, this score starts simply becoming a blowout and I just stop fucking trying to keep track)

Inside, I hear my mom laughing.

Right now, though, my wife is not laughing.

She warned me, and now I must pay the price.

So no more favorite pen for my bathroom activities.

Damn.

Anyone know how to get permanent marker off your penis?

Just checking.

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Comments
  1. Mrsblogalot says:

    # 49687299 : Your poor wife

  2. WILLIAM says:

    Female saliva is the best way to remove permanent ink.

  3. Adrian Zmed!!!! How dare you, HOW DARE YOU!!!Also the talent you exude! How do you lift weights and masturbate at the same time?

  4. Coffeypot says:

    I draw two eyes and uprased eyes at the peehole. Makes him look like Mr. Bill. "OH NOOOOO, Mr. Bill" Then he pukes.

  5. BugginWord says:

    You should install one of those pens on a chain in your bathroom. You know, like at the bank? Then when you drop it in the toilet, you can flush without losing the pen. It'll get cleaned and everything. then you just pull it back out via the chain. You're welcome.

  6. Vodka Logic says:

    lmao post.. I was hoping the poop pen pictured at the beginning was her fave pen… then it would be, ok they're both weird I get it…but nooooo. You pooped on her pen. Yep add me to the list. "your poor wife"Remind me to send you the link of what I dropped in a toilet ……..

  7. MommaKiss says:

    I've heard that licking gets permanent marker off of skin. Someone should help you out with that. also – I'm glad I read this AFTER 6.30am. Because I don't want to to think about the caca train. Ever.

  8. Literally laughing – out loud (at work) right now. I am afraid they'd have found pieces of my chopped up husband down that toilet if he wrecked my fav pen …Oh man … add me to the "your poor wife" list.Can I plagiarize your resume? I could use a new job…

  9. Brutalism says:

    A husband can be replaced…a favorite pen? Not quite so easy to come by.You really should buy her the poopy pen as a replacement. And also for the office holiday gift exchange.

  10. Your wife should probably kill you. πŸ™‚

  11. Thanks for making my Monday better. πŸ™‚

  12. Eva Gallant says:

    Husbands absolutely cannot be trusted with favorite pens! And your wife must have earned sainthood by now!

  13. Ed says:

    It's posts like this that will win you shit. *hint, hint*And that fucking resume is brilliant.

  14. Kris says:

    That's the shits.*crickets*

  15. Moooooog35 says:

    Mrsblogsalot: You're keeping a list, TOO?William: * searches audience for volunteersnothin'.Vapid: My talents go beyond that of mere mortals.I am…cobra dynamo.Coffey: You put way too much time into that.Buggin: OR..just poop at the bank.Same thing, right?Vodka: I'm not sure I want to know.Momma: What? ALL ABOARD!!Danica: Good luck with the resume thing but, sure, have at it.Bruatlism: Nah..poop pen is what I did for the gift exchange last year.They'll know it was me if I do it a fourth time in a row.Christina: You're sweet.Meeko: Damn. Did NOT mean to do that.Eva: What is with you people and favorite pens?Ed: * slips you a five spotKris: Glad you did the crickets. From me it just sounds cruel.

  16. A) Do you ever sleep? I don't know how you have time for all this pooing.B) Your wife needs to write a blog.C) I'm feeling a grumble in the lower east side…I think it's poo'o'clock.

  17. Daffy says:

    I definitely know how to remove permanent marker from my penis. Email me and I'll share

  18. Kelly says:

    Note to self: Never, EVER read "Mental Poo" anywhere where snorts, giggles, table slapping and loud guffaws are considered Inappropriate Behavior. Like at a funeral. My bad.

  19. LiLu says:

    Well, the pen still writes, technically…It's just BROWN ink, now.

  20. Ziva says:

    I think you're lying about the wife. You made her up, didn't you?

  21. Rahul says:

    Ask and Ye Shall Receive is going to have a field day with this.

  22. lbluca77 says:

    I was gonna say we should all probably send your poor wife a present for putting up with you, but know you I bet you would just say it was from you.

  23. lbluca77 says:

    I was gonna say we should all probably send your poor wife a present for putting up with you, but know you I bet you would just say it was from you.

  24. CatLadyLarew says:

    Maybe for your Sudoku, you should follow the lead of the proctologist faced with a problem… he worked it out with a pencil. Just sayin…

  25. Carol says:

    My ex husbands twin, in the flesh!

  26. My wife has one of those poo pens, problem solved, $4 Newbury Comics

  27. OMG!! Your Poor Wife!

  28. They've only just discovered a poo pen? I've been writing with my faeces for years now without any notable hindrance. Mind you (and much like yourself), I don't get many successful responses from job applications.

  29. Jessica says:

    So, is your wife now leading the AA meetings instead of just attending them?

  30. Moooooog35 says:

    hiphop: I sleep when my elderly issues allow it.Daffy: Um. Ew.Kelly: yeah..because reading serious blogs during funerals is SO much better etiquette.Lilu: thick stroke, obviously.Ziva: No. No I didn't. Very real.hard to believe, I know.Rahul: You said it, brother.lbluca: that easy to figure out, eh?Catlady: Jesus, woman. Terrible.Awesome.Carol: I HAVE A TWIN?!Malach: Well..it's not technically a poo pen. Or, I guess, wasn't.Meleah: if I had a nickel..Qelqoth: You could always just settle for a really shitty job.That was too easy. My apologies.Jessica: She's not only the president, she is also a client.

  31. dufmanno says:

    Caca train. whoo whoo.If your not going to take Elly's idea about the pen on a chain, I certainly will.I'm on my way to Home Depot right now to see if I can make this a reality. Also will see if they carry urine splatter covers for all my gossip rags that get whizzed on by various members.

  32. Pat says:

    SO – inquiring minds want to know – did you just flush the pen down the toilet with your turds or did you fish it out? If so, did you wash the pen off or throw it out? And how in the hell did the pen fall in the toilet in the first place when you're sitting on the toilet? You know what this means? That your JUNK isn't big enough to fill the hole? Or did you have the pen in hand when you stood up? I mean geez, did you wipe with one hand while holding the pen in the other? Or maybe you didn't even wipe, and that's a whole other story! Man, I'm getting too many visuals here. Bad enough I have to deal with my husband's crap let alone yours. Thanks for all those images.

  33. Momma Fargo says:

    I got all lost at the giant penis thingy staring at me…

  34. Oh.my.god. thanks for that fucking roar of laughter. I need to catch up and read you post. I agree with bug pens with chains works well in the bathroom so instead of having sink stopper its a pen attached to a chain. Do they still make those? You're welcome.

  35. All I can say is, I am never telling my husband about this blog. He doesn't need any more ideas about using the bathroom as his own personal retreat.

  36. ThePeachy1 says:

    I am sure there is no real need for me to say this, but your totally going to hell. Which is kinda cool cause I will be there with some good friends and we wouldn't mind hanging out with you to make hell funnier. so yeah, your going to hell, but in a funny way.

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