The Talk – a Mental Poo ‘After School’ Special

Posted: April 26, 2010 in kids, parenting


Today, on a very special episode of “Mental Poo”:

THE TALK

I had the talk with my son the other day.

Yep.

The talk.

I decided it was time to have this little talk with him while I was putting him to bed the other night.

Me: “Here you go, Cam…good night…and…um..”

His arm looked funny under his blanket.

Me: “What are you doing under there?”

Cam: “Nothing.”

Me:
“Cam…what are you doing?”

Cam: “NOTHING!”

He’s an easy read, so I knew he was lying.


I pulled the blanket back.

He was holding it in his hand.

Me: “Oh, buddy. Really? Come on!”

He looked ashamed.

You know…

I didn’t want to have this talk with him.

He is only 6 after all.

But I HAD to. This was getting a little out of hand, so to speak.

This isn’t the first time I’ve caught him, you know…doing it.


He started crying.

He was embarrassed.

Me: “Buddy..listen. You can’t keep doing that. It’s not healthy.”

Cam: “I know.”

Me: “Trust me. I know this. I do it almost all the time myself.”

Cam: “Really?”

Me: “Yeah. Really. It’s really hard having to hide it from your mother. But sometimes you have no choice, you know?”

Cam: “Yeah..I know.”

He looked a little relieved.

Me: “But, dude…you just can’t keep doing it in your bed. Look at your sheets. It’s disgusting.”

Cam: “I know. I can’t help it.”

Me: “You know, I know it seems like it’s the only way. But if you’re going to do it, at least put it in a tissue and throw it in the trash, okay? Getting it all over your bed is just disgusting. If your mother saw this, she’d be screaming at you.”


He nodded.

He knew I was right.

So I reached into his hand, picked up the little booger he was holding between his fingers, and threw it in the trash.

Yeah..nose picking.

He does it all the time.

Why? What were you thinking?

OH YOU SICK, SICK BASTARDS.

He’s SIX for chrissakes.

I didn’t start jerkin’ my gherkin til I was at LEAST 7.


Then we cleaned up all the little rolled up boogers that had collected on his sheet, and threw those away as well.

There had to be, like, 50 of them sitting there.

It was like a little booger graveyard where an army of zombie boogers rose from the grave where in this analogy ‘grave’ means ‘nostrils’ and the analogy pretty much dies here because I don’t think boogers will eat peoples’ brains but you never ever know because I think the jury is still out on what boogers, if reanimated by a meteor somehow, will actually do.

So, maybe I’ll just say ‘shitload of boogers.’

But they were EVERYWHERE.

I don’t know how he doesn’t wake up every morning looking like Edward James Almos or the ‘before’ photo in a ProActiv commercial.

Whatever. He’s a picker.

Just like his old man.

But if he starts whacking off at the rate I do when he gets older, this is going to be a lot harder to hide from his mother.

But at least I’ve got a lot of practice on that, so that talk should be cake.

Moog out.

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Comments
  1. Mike says:

    You know, the more you do that the more you NEED to do that. I'd put sandpaper on his fingers. That'll slow him down a tad.

  2. Mr Monkey says:

    I tell my kids to use someone else's finger, granted its awkward but its not theirs.

  3. Laura says:

    I would rather see him curb the picking the nose habit than the under the sheets habit… one is gross and often public.the other is hopefully only private.. no harm done.. just lots of dirty towels/sheets.good luck

  4. Eva Gallant says:

    That was hysterical! You are too funny1

  5. cfoxes33 says:

    LOL. How funny your post was. My family will love to read this one!

  6. Travis says:

    You know what you need on this post? A Memoir Monday button. But since I know that won't happen, I'll leave a smart ass comment anyway: This whole post, I was jealous of a six year old for his masturbation skills. There. I said it. Are those sirens? Chris Hansen? The hell? Is this a fuckin set up?

  7. MommaKiss says:

    the pictures.oh the horror.can you tell me how to get a kid to stop eating his boogers? thanks!

  8. Brutalism says:

    A short play: Mooooog: "Is that something dirty you're doing under there?"Lil Moooooog: "No, it's snot."

  9. Dorn says:

    I followed your comment from SFTC over here, so I should have known what I was going to find. Alas, I became more horrified as I read. It wasn't until I got to "Look at your sheets" that I finally questioned it….cause really? NO WAY! Thank you for the blood chilling panic on a Monday morning. Thank you more for turning it into a laugh.

  10. Becky..AMHW says:

    My boys wipe them on the walls. It's sort of artistic depending on the cold and flu season.

  11. Plaid Guru says:

    this post was horrible and awesome at the same time. gaaawd…lol

  12. I started reading this and my first thought was- it serves Moog right that his six year old is whacking off.. karma is a bitch…my bad…. :)Then to find he is picking his nose?? Yuck- I think I'd prefer yo hear he WAS whacking off….

  13. That was hysterical! You had me going for a minute! LoL 🙂

  14. Ed says:

    Okay dude. I'm going to admit it.The "I don’t know how he doesn't wake up every morning looking like Edward James Almos or the 'before' photo in a ProActiv commercial" part made me actually LOL.Thats a rare occassion for me. Usually, I'm a laugh on the inside kind of person.

  15. That's too funny. A really cute story and one I'm too familiar with.

  16. kate says:

    I had a roommate once who used to wipe boogers on the underside of my coffee table…I didn't realize this little habit until, after a year of living together, I was picking up the table to move out and found a fucking army of crusted-up boogers EVERYWHERE. I quickly decided that the table wasn't being "moved out" anymore so much as it was being "thrown in the dumpster as I run away from it screaming like a little girl before washing my hands 800 times in a row".

  17. Moooooog35 says:

    Mike: Why do I want him to stop?Mr Monkey: Sadly, the only other finger around was mine and, you know, fuck that shit.Laura: Mine is less habit and more obsession.The second one, I mean.I'm going to shut up now.Eva: You're too kind.Seriously. Cut it out.cfoxes: Your family?Travis: You creep me out sometimes, dude.ME.Momma: Hey..My kid isn't THAT gross.You're on your own.Brutalism: BRAVO!! Encore!!Dorn: Thank you. It's how I roll.Becky: Hey..bright side, you save on paint.Plaid: I've heard that before from a woman.Sadly.Life: HE'S SIX!! ARGH!!!Meeko: A victim of near duping. Dooping. Dueping. I almost duped you.Ed: Aw. You made me cry a little.Thanks.Timesobserver: Familiar with..how? You do this? Your kid? You and your kid?Nevermind. Don't want to know.Kate: That's just awesome.Actually..reverse that.

  18. i also wish i could unsee that picture. in addition, upon cleaning the walls of my son's room, I couldn't help but notice his 'collection' of boogi all over the walls surrounding his bed. kids are so disgusting. have the decency to eat it so i don't have to clean it off the walls.

  19. Joann Mannix says:

    At first, I was all, "For real? 6 and he's a-wankin'?" Oh so fabulous. You got me. When it's time for the real birds and bees talk, do what I always do: The first time I downed a glass of wine in one gulp and then properly taught my oldest, horrified daughter everything. From then on, I gave her the book and told her I would appreciate it, if when the time came, she could tell her sisters everything they needed to know. It's better that way.

  20. Momma Fargo says:

    Did you at least wash his sheets? And he probably already introduced himself to Mr. Wanky, but he's not all about telling ya that… yet. Here I thought this was a post where you would crown him the Master Bater…or something. You fooled me. That ain't easy.Good one. LMAO.

  21. OMG I just read Kate's comment about the roommate putting the stuff under the table.Ugh.Kids, I can understand, but a roommate? Come on people!Poor Kate!!

  22. Kernut says:

    Yet another reason I have a cat instead of kids. (It's better for the kids this way.)As for the pictures you find, I just must not be looking hard enough.

  23. Read this on my lunch break. Thankfully, BEFORE I'd eaten my lunch."Sometimes you just have to, you know?"The Midget Man of Steel Mantra.

  24. Buggys says:

    I guess this is irrevocable proof that God was a man. If God were a woman, she would never have made boogers….or cellulite. Never.

  25. Ziva says:

    I'm printing this out for future referece, because eventually all the holes I'm poking in the condoms will work their magic and we'll have a little mini-Ziva or mini-M with wandering hands, eh.. fingers.

  26. omg, that was awesome. At first, I was a bit upset with you for making him feel ashamed for having "it" in his hand. When you said the sheets, I was like "nope. physically impossible for THAT for a few more years".Yes, it's nasty that he puts it on his sheets, but I have to keep BEGGING my princess diva daughter to stop EATING hers. sigh.

  27. Jen says:

    I was with you on this post, I was ready to laugh in all the right places. Naturally, not because I had to, but then I saw that picture with the guy and his finger through his nose/eye socket and it was gone. I couldn't even fake the laughter, I tried, I really did. Don't do that ever again.

  28. Colby says:

    I was reading this thinking, "Really? At 6? Boys start this at 6?" Then I remembered who I was reading.

  29. Just eat them like I do.

  30. Aw. I feel bad your son almost started crying! Poor kid, embarrassed by his nose picking!

  31. My daughter Lindy used to pick her nose and wipe it on the wall, which made me sick. What she does with her finger now that she's older, though, is strictly between her and herself. I don't want to know nothin'!

  32. Maxie says:

    Please never ever write a song that implies you are talking about your son's penis again.Or your penis for that matter.Yucky.

  33. Moooooog35 says:

    Speaking: What is up with the wall thing? At least hide it a little. That's why God invented shag rugs.Joanne: YOU BEEN PUNK'D!Not really.Momma: Wash the wha?…Bikram: Jotting this down…I will need it for future reference.Kernut: Right..I'd rather have something that's constantly trying to kill me (cat) than a kid with his finger in his nose.no. thank you.Chris: I should put it on a flag.Buggys: I'd rather him pick boogies than being out doing drugs.I'm saving that for when he's older.Ziva: I KNEW IT!!Woman: OMG WHAT IS WITH THE EATING BOOGERS THEME HERE?!Jen: I'm partly in this for the shock factor.Colby: You're welcome.Malach: nomnomnomnomGross, dude.Meleah: Huh. I didn't really expect 'sympathy' as one of the emotions from this.MikeWJ: Like..how much older are we talking about?No reason.Maxie: When did I write a song?

  34. My daughter never picked her nose however she has no shame even now at 16 of just burping right in your face. So ladylike.

  35. My husband feeds his boogers to our little dog, hey at least I don't have to clean them up.AND I thought I was the only one who could to the old finger skewer thingy!sigh.

  36. suzicate says:

    You are hysterical! I knew that wan't what you were talking about, but a booger…HA!

  37. LaceyRee says:

    I just found your blog this week and I can't stop laughing. Keep up the great work! 🙂

  38. Pat says:

    It snot nice of you to talk boogers. I hate snot stories. Now my stomach is all rolling and shit. Thanks for that. I'd rather he was doing the other.

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