The One About Ruben Studdard Ninja Spiders

Posted: April 15, 2010 in stories of me, wtf

It’s big and scary and it’s hairy and ME NO LIKEY!

Spiders.

And other male penises…but this post is about spiders.


Now I’m thinking that a spider with a big hairy penis would be the WORST. NUCLEAR ACCIDENT. EVER.

And then the military would take him and turn him into some type of super soldier with armor plating because everyone knows Al Qaeda HATES that shit and that’s why they live in caves and stuff because bats live in caves and BATS EAT SPIDERS but now I’m freaking out because what if Al Qaeda KNOWS about the Super Secret Penis Spider Project (SSPSP) and are AT THIS VERY MOMENT inventing a giant spider eating bat with a huge vagina?!


I think Rodney King said it best:

OW! FUCK! SHIT! CUT IT OUT!

Woops. Wrong quote.

So, yeah, I freak out a little when it comes to fucking spiders (not literally FUCKING spiders..I was intending that to be derogatory) because, seriously God, what the fuck were you thinking?

I get that they’re good for the environment and eat bugs and shit but if you want something that does GOOD in the world make it at least SOMEWHAT attractive and not like the insect version of Sean Penn where all people want to do is kill it to death.


Needless to say I had a scary near-death spider experience while MOBILE this week.

The very worst kind.

So it was, like, 70 degrees out the other day (we get one of these every four years in New Hampshire) so I hopped in my car after work…jumped on the highway…

…and rolled my window down.


It was right then that a super ninja tarantula (I did not see a penis), apparently waiting for JUST THIS VERY MOMENT, decided to release his ass bungie and dangle his way through the opening of my window and seriously fucking terrorize me because as I SEE THIS THING out of the corner of my eye I’m all like:

BITCH SCREAM!!


Because this spider is black and hairy and has a big bum and I guess that makes him the Ruben Studdard of spiders.

And now the wind has caught this fucking thing on his string because I’M STILL FUCKING DRIVING YOU STUPID SPIDER and oh, look, he’s now wafting – yes, WAFTING – towards me and I’m all swerving and screaming like a midget’s first day in the prison shower and trying to blow him away but that is actually making him come CLOSER TO MY ARM on the swing back and I may or may not have just killed three pedestrians because all I can do is try to avoid death by Ruben Studdard Arachnid (Clay Aiken Arachnid is still on the roof of my car wondering HOW THE HELL DID I GET ROBBED?!) and seriously, who has time to pay attention to driving when all this shit is going down?


After an endless eternity (redundant?) the spider gets all the way down to my armrest and OH THAT’S JUST GREAT because now he’s CRAWLING AROUND MY CAR near my arm and oh joy of joys he just moved my power side mirrors (told you he was big) and I’m trying to ignore the thumping noises which I’m assuming are just elderly people crossing the street because I’m pretty sure I just blew that stop sign.


Then the spider crawls into the spot UNDER one of my window switches and I spot my ‘window of opportunity’ (HA!) to crush this harbinger of doom but GUESS WHO DOESN’T KEEP TISSUES IN HIS CAR so I look over and see an old ATM slip in my cup holder and just MASH it into the little spot he’s in and then with all of the might I can muster I just keep pounding that thing in there like I’m Tommy Lee with Pam Anderson on their first date.


And then I left it there.

I didn’t take it out.

I didn’t take it out because I was completely positive that if I pulled that stupid piece of paper out while I was still driving that Super Ninja Ruben Studdard Spider (SNRSS – said phonetically is ‘SINNERS’ – coincidence?!) would leap out and run right up my arm and eat me or shank me or make me do things to his giant hairy spider penis while calling me ‘bitch.’

I’ve seen ‘The Terminator’ and ‘Friday the 13th’ plenty of times to know that THE VILLAIN IS NEVER REALLY DEAD.


So I waited til I pulled into my driveway and was sufficiently out of my car before pulling out the matted piece of paper and BAM there was dead Ninja Ruben Studdard spider all balled up and DEAD THAT’S RIGHT YOU BITCH YOU’RE DEAD YOU’RE DEAD HOW’S THAT SPIDEY SENSE WORKING FOR YOU NOW, DOUCHE!?

So, you know…

Go me.

Have I mentioned I don’t like spiders?

Or other men’s hairy penises. But this was about spiders.

Moog out.

Advertisements
Comments
  1. Mrsblogalot says:

    I would bet my bumbershoot casserole that this was one of your funniest posts ever!!!!

  2. Wicked Shawn says:

    I have encountered numerous spiders in my life, never have I noticed a penis on any of them. Thanks to you, I have a terrible feeling, going forward, I will actually check the next one, just in case.

  3. Plaid Guru says:

    baaahahhahahaha. hilarious. way to keep it together on the freeway!

  4. inannasstar says:

    You need your own show, this shit is hilarious.

  5. Matt says:

    I love how all the google results are purple, showing you clicked on each one.

  6. Who would have thought to connect the dots among spiders, Ruben Studdard and penises? Nope. Not me. Only you, moooooooger. But oddly enough, the dots do connect.

  7. ModernMom says:

    Bwhaha You are hilarious. Found you through LOL and so glad I did.I too hate the spider. Spiders and bees. Neither creature has any business in a car. I can't be responsible for my driving if one of those little critters is in my car! Thanks for the laugh!

  8. Moooog, moooog, moooooog, Thanks to you my friend, there is a widow spider with 53 little spidey babies that would have to go on Aid for Dependent Spideys and the spidey babies are crawling around saying "where is poppa rueben spidey" and momma spidey is saying some half pint guy murdered him. Virginia. P.S. All 53 of baby spideys are waiting for you next time you jump in your car. Jus sayin. Hugs.

  9. Moooooog35 says:

    Mrsblogalot: You're ON!Wicked: Just wait til it starts singing soul music to you.Creepy.Pam: I take it that this post was satisfactory?Plaid: Does that SOUND like I kept it together?inannastar: Yes. Because spiders with Ruben Studdard heads plays so well on UPN.Matt: They're purple because they're about PENISES.Unfinished: Right? Phew. Thought I was going crazy.Ha. GOING. Right.ModernMom: You're welcome. Come again soon!That's what she said.Wannabe: It's okay. At least they'll all have Health Coverage on my dollar, right?

  10. Joann Mannix says:

    A brown recluse spider bit my husband once. His arm swelled up like Popeye's and he had those red lines trailing up his arm that say, "You're gonna f***ing die, if you have to take a hard plastic seat in the ER and wait for hours." Thankfully, the only people at the ER at that time were the uninsured with viruses, so, he's fine now. Then our dog got bit by a brown recluse and her face swelled up to the size of a St Bernard. (She was a small faced hound). After a vet bill the size of our monthly mortgage payment, she too, was fine. We knew the spiders were among us. Not to freak you out, Moog, but the spider man with the pesticide found a nest of them burrowed in the moldings of our ceiling. Those assholes were dropping down on us as we slept!Luckily, none of them were equipped with penises.

  11. Brutalism says:

    I may start using "bumbershoot casserole" as a euphemism for sex. Me (to husband): "What do you say we go make some bumbershoot casserole?"Him (forgetting we coined a new term for it): "What the hell are you talking about?" (Note to self: say this our loud before pressing "submit" next time.)

  12. LiLu says:

    And now you know that if you ever want to cheer me up, all you have to do is draw me an MS Paint of a hairy flying rodent's vagina.

  13. Alison says:

    I think I am traumatized.

  14. Loco YaYa says:

    i do have to say i am not afraid of spiders. although i have never seen the ruben/hairy penis/bat vagina type you are talking about. i do believe i would let out a bitch scream also.maybe.

  15. JenJen says:

    Thankfully I have never seen a rubenhairballpenis.or any penis.Send pics.

  16. I laughed out loud at the image of you driving and screaming with the fat ass spider dangling near your arm. Hilarious!

  17. Holy Balls! I think that I peed my pants! Spiders suck, especially Ruben spiders!

  18. I just googled bumbershoot casserole. Not nearly as exciting as this penis post about spiders. Except the fact that he killed his bunny. And now I am scaring my self.

  19. kate says:

    I'm not entirely sure what a bumbleshoot caserole is, but I'm a little worried that it has apparently makes someone's chuchita shrink.Chuchita.Is that supposed to mean cooter?I just keep thinking chalupa. Probably not the same thing.

  20. mepsipax says:

    Dear jebuz that was fucking hilarious. I fucking hate spiders. Squash the bitch. I had a fucking bee/wasp fly into my neck while I was riding my motorcycle. I did more stunts while trying to get that thing off….popping wheelies, doing stoppies. I thought I was going to fucking die.

  21. Jen says:

    I left my comment on Tribal Blogs. Hang on, I'll go get it. I tweeted by dammit I wet my pants again. How the hell do you come up with this stuff? I got Reuben Studderd and could see the leap to Clay Aiken but oh jeez! You even worked Sean Penn in there and you are absolutely right about him. Can’t he take off his sunglasses? Does he think he is as cool as Bono that he can wear them at night? He’s so wrong.One more thing. How is it that you can find Bin Laden but no one else can?

  22. Sandee says:

    Bwahahahahahaha. You have a very twisted mind. I mean that in the nicest way too. Bwahahahahaha.Have a terrific day. 🙂

  23. Eva Gallant says:

    This gem ranks right up there among your very best! Insanity is so much fun!

  24. Moooooog35 says:

    Joanne: As soon as I knew there were brown recluse spiders in the general vicinity, I would have moved.Fuck that shit.Brutalism: Plus, 'bumbershoot casserole' sounds like the taboo kind.So. You know. Yay you.Lilu: You know I'm here for you.Alison: YOU ARE? Hello? RUBEN STUDDARD SPIDER IN MY CAR.Loco: I'm 7 shades of manly.JenJen: Like I keep pics of my..oh..here's one on my cell phone!bikram: of all the images to laugh at, you picked a non-Paint one?I work too hard for you people.Random: Yet again..more incontinent women visit.Amazing.Vapid: So..you're saying I need to kill a bunny to match up to this guy?DONE.Kate: Chalupa, chuchita, cooter…whatever. All edible, I believe.Wait. What?Mepsipax: Dude we have way more in common than you think.Jen: I don't know how I come up with this stuff.Spooky.Sandee: * blushingEva: I'm enjoying every minute of being delusional, yes.

  25. Martie says:

    I do not like spiders either. I do pretend though, to be a Spider Killing Master in front of my kids. They all scream like tiny girls (and only one is a girl) while I get to, hands shaking, pop spider ass and save the day. Then I pop an anxiety pill, take a swig of wine and go on about my day. Whew.

  26. Thank you man. Thank you. For the Sean Penn insect thing. I mean it, sincerely. Someone else appreciates the fuglyness factor of that assholic Sean Penn. And by appreciates I mean the opposite. I hate Sean Penn. I hate him. I do. This made me so happy.The rest of this post disturbed me greatly, which of course, is why I come here.

  27. Summer says:

    You're not that afraid of spiders. Me? I would have crashed my fucking car and ran from the entire situation. This post gave me the heebie jeebies.

  28. Kellie says:

    I am deathly afraid of spiders. I know the fear is irrational. I cannot help it. I especially hate the jumpy ones. They are quick and scary and I can feel my heart skip a beat when I see one and I scream at my husband like bloody murder. This post scared the shit out of me.

  29. MommaKiss says:

    I know this is about spiders and the 'MAN OF STEEL' squirming like a bitch when he sees one but THE VAGINA BAT? Did NO ONE SEE THAT THING? The fuck!?

  30. My husband is also a spider hater. So I read this to him. Because I'm awesome like that. I had tears streaming down my face from laughter.

  31. If I didn't hate spiders before, I certainly do now.Moooooog, you are one seriously strange dude. And I like it.

  32. Tiggy says:

    I love spiders but am scared of the sea. So if there are sea spiders, that would cause me some issues.

  33. Toe says:

    Spiders meh, try a bee in the car while mobile! Bees have wings and can fly around your head and can STING. Worst thing a spider can do is bite you and your arm falls off or something like that.

  34. Rahul says:

    I'm sorry 2004?I'm now doubly sorry for writing that.

  35. The Blue Zoo says:

    LMAO I would have probably peed my pants and wrecked my car.

  36. idifficult says:

    But if it had been irradiated and it bit you, you'd have been able to climb up walls, shoot webs and fight bad people.

  37. I have so much to say, I don't even know where to begin, except that how do you know that Osama Bin Laden is currently located just on the outskirts and/or suburbs of Tokyo? Because I heard he was lumbering around in Barcelona somewhere.

  38. The Ruben Studdard Spider doesn't stand a chance against the Adam Lambert Fruit Fly.

  39. Kernut says:

    OMG. You are so funny! How can you have a Harley *and* scream like a girl when you see a spider??! 😉 You must have some gnarly nightmares.

  40. Moooooog35 says:

    Martie: Oh, I pretend to love all God's creatures, too. But boots were made for kicking and smooshing things.Veggie: FINALLY SOMEONE GETS ME.Summer: It gave ME the heebie jeebies and I WROTE THE DAMN THING.Kellie: Really? What scared you more..the spider or Clay Aiken?Momma: Vagina Bat. It's what's for dinner.Aunt Juicebox: You're welcome. Come again!Free: Welcome to the wonderful world of me.Tiggy: There ARE sea spiders. They're called octopus.Toe: Again..I give you THIS.Rahul: yes. wait. what?Blue Zoo: Who said I didn't?idifficult: Oooh. Hindsight sucks.Nanny: Um. Hello? Ever seen a giant vagina bat in BARCELONA?I don't think so.Chris: Genius.

  41. Ziva says:

    A spider in my car once caused me to swerve up onto the sidewalk. I didn't hit any old ladies, though. Better luck next time, I guess.I like the vagina bat, it's very pretty. Fucked up, but pretty. It would make a nice pet. I'll gladly share living space with vagina bat if it kept away penis spiders.

  42. Maxie says:

    Why is the spider's penis a different color than it's body…This blog makes me fear the day I lose my virginity. You make penises sound VERY scary.

  43. Moooooog35 says:

    malach: Thank you for the validation.Ziva: Vagina Bat…coming to a Walmart near you.Maxie: IT'S CENSORED.Pay attention! And..yes..penises are very scary. Especially censored ones.

  44. OMFG!I'll never look at spiders the same way again.Spider weenies are by the spiders head (other head)Are you sure there aren't spider eggs all over your car now?

  45. Buggys says:

    You really need to put a warning on your posts. "Not recommended for people with weak hearts, COPD, Asthma. May cause Extreme difficulty breathing!"You could kill someone. You could probably turn it into a great post though.

  46. Jenny says:

    MORE proof that CLAY AIKEN SHOULD HAVE WON!

  47. one time i was doing a mini road trip by myself in an oldass volvo that had a tendancy to overheat. to avoid this problem i did the whole drive with the heater blasting. in the middle of summer. through central california.halfway through my drive a big, furryass, mother fucker came down from my window and almost caused me to drive off the highway. i pulled over at the nearest gas station and asked a stranger to kill it.i am convinced this monster was forced up from the fiery pits of hell via my car heater.

  48. KerryLee says:

    I can deal with spiders. I always tell people not to kill the spiders in my house because they eat the icky bugs.At work today, I kept feeling something on my neck. When I brushed it off, do you know what fell on my desk? A TICK. A Fother Mucking WOOD TICK!I almost started crying. I can NOT deal with ticks.I think I will go blog about this. Thanks for the material.

  49. I have learned to A. Not read your blog while drinking anything because I would spew whatever it was on my laptop.andB. Not read your blog if I have to pee because I laugh so hard I would of course pee myself!**However**Way worse than spiders…..SNAKES- they are f*ckin messed up.

  50. Anonymous says:

    ode to moooooog35(ahem)I don’t like spiders in a jar,On mirrors, dashboards, near or far–The make me shake, they make me hurl,They make me scream like little girls. thennnkyew! –Coopah 2010(I know. It's a sickness. I've sought treatment, but "they" say they've done everything they can for me and to just let it run it's course.I decided to make the big move from lurking to blogging, instead. Stop by when you have the time.http://crazydbashorttrip.wordpress.com/

  51. CatLadyLarew says:

    You really must decapitate the spider and leave his head on the dashboard as a warning to others.

  52. middle child says:

    "sreaming like a midget on his first day in the prison shower." TOO FUNNY!!!!!

  53. I just saw the word "Spider" and I am outta here – now if you had focused more on "PENIS" I probably would have stayed longer!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s