Dragons, Wieners and Baby Testing

Posted: April 8, 2010 in I'm an asshole, work, wtf


I wonder if his nickname in school was ‘SuckMy.’

Let me explain.

I get an email at work the other day.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t from Human Resources.

Those people are such assholes when they go through your emails.

Seriously, ‘cock’ can also refer to a chicken you know!

Where was I?

Oh. The email.

As I’m going through it, about someone’s iPod or some shit getting stolen…one thing catches my eye:


Brian WEINER?!?!

Oh you poor bastard.

Because I’m actually 8 years old, I find this fucking hysterical.

I realize it’s not spelled right but screw you…my blog, my rules.

The last time I read something like this was in my last job.

I also wrote a post on that as well.

The more things change, the more I watch Cinemax porn.

I have no idea, either.


Whatever.

This leads me to start going through the company email address book looking for other funny names and shit.

Because apparently they pay me here to write this blog and make Microsoft Paint pictures.

SCREW YOU, HUMAN RESOURCES!!

Cocks (chickens).

Let’s see what I found.


Apparently, we hire people to test babies.

Best. Job. EVER.

I don’t know what a baby tester’s job actually is, but I’m sure it has something to do with elasticity and/or improving the taste. No idea.

What’s next…


HOLD THE PHONE!

I’ve just changed my ‘best job ever’ vote from baby testing to – that’s right – DRAGON RESEARCH.

Not only do we apparently RESEARCH dragons here, but we also upgrade your dragon if we find, like, it doesn’t fly good or it’s made by Toyota and it’s gas pedal sticks.

K..what else we got?


That’s right, Douglas.

We’re coming for you.

Cock (not chicken).


FINALLY!

A mother exchange and military deployment program I can sign on for.

What’s that, mom?

I’m NOT getting a new bike for Christmas this year?

Enjoy Iraq, bitch! Don’t forget to pack your burkha!

I’d do anything for a ten-speed back in the day.


So, let me get this straight.

As far as I can tell, we research and upgrade dragons so we can then feed them pre-tested babies and people like Douglas and Charles and Macke who we’ve apparently hunted down, maced and then beaten by using our slightly used but highly trained mothers.

I really need to start paying more attention to the corporate newsletter.

I don’t remember any of this shit.

I’m such a cock.

Chicken.

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Comments
  1. On your next performance review why don't you ask if you can move up to the dragon slayer position! You have the best job ever!

  2. Mrsblogalot says:

    HAAAAAAA You have the best job ever! And as long as they keep paying you to do this blog, I don't care what your job title is.

  3. Maxie says:

    god if you ever piss me off i'm so turning you into HR.and not your friend that works there.i will find a way.i hope you are scared.

  4. Me-Me King says:

    I've been unemployed for over two years now. I would love to have a job someplace where they would pay me as a blog all day long. In the words of Napoleon Dynamite…"Lucky!".P.S. Love Big Dick's Halfway Inn!

  5. Chelle says:

    I know a guy called Dick Lay.

  6. This is great. I'm still not finished laughing about "weiner."I had a substitute teacher named Harry Cucci. I've had customers with the last names of Cockmouth, Morehead, Pfarter, Dump, Shortsleeves, and of course Gaylord.I had an employee one time named Howard Gay.

  7. Eva Gallant says:

    I just fund this one in my phonebook: John F. Hescock. Honest.

  8. Joann Mannix says:

    So, I used to work in customer service in a bank many years ago. One day, I had this girl at my desk who told me she needed to change the name on her account because she'd just gotten married. Her maiden name was Anderson. As I was filling out the requisite paperwork, I asked her for her new name. She hesitated, and looking a little pale, she said, "Cockcream." I think I might have actually gasped out loud, because she said, "I know. Isn't it awful? I didn't want to change it, but my husband was so hurt that I went with it."I'd have to tell him he'd get over the hurt eventually. Worst. Name. Ever.

  9. My brother does this all the time but with clients' names. He found Dick Mickles and hasn't stopped laughing. He uses it as a screen name. 🙂 I am, obviously, in the wrong profession. LOL!!!

  10. Ed says:

    You are so getting fired.Or a promotion.One or the other.Its 50/50 really.

  11. Brutalism says:

    For reals: Last job, I worked with a Harry Junk. And I had a high school English teacher named Constance Payne. And a lot of people think this is urban legend, but there was a gynecologist in the Northern Virginia area named Harry C. Beaver. (For years, I would pull out a phone book to prove it to people.) I think they all need to work at your company.

  12. Kernut says:

    When I worked at GE Nuclear drawing schematics (scary thought! You folks have no idea who designs the nuclear power plants. I do, and I'm terrified.) I worked with a gal named Kelly green and another named Lisa Gunn.I'm also apparently DISTANTLY related to a family by the last name of Hinds. The parents named all of their kids with names starting with B. "B. Hinds, are you here? B. Hinds?" Nice.

  13. I know a Brian Weiner! Also a Dick Hyman. Look at me, namedropping everywhere, I'm such a douche.Also? A Carolyn Poon. She was Asian. Jealous?

  14. Salt says:

    There is a Dick's Halfway Inn near where I live too! Oh the brilliance of it all.I wish I had gone to a college where dragon research was a career path option. I got screwed.

  15. Moooooog35 says:

    Brndout: I'm sure that job comes with greater responsibility and, seriously, who needs that shit.Mrsblogalot: It's just a matter of time before I'm figured out.Maxie: You don't scare me.Actually you do.Very much so.Me-Me: If you have ANY baby testing skills, I can put in a good word for you.Chelle: Okay, Mrs. Lay.Mr. Condescending: Isn't it awesome to make fun of other people?I don't know what I'd do without it.Eva: I hear that John is a real dick.Joanne: OMG WE MUST PRANK PHONE CALL HER RIGHT NOW!Nina: Dick Mickles sounds like some weird 3rd world STD."I'm sorry..but you have a severe case of dick mickles."Ed: I'd rather just stay here and be invisible.Brutalism: HAHAHAHA Harry Junk.I wonder if anyone ever said he was 'smooth.'Kernut: OMG ARE YOU SMART?!Why are you here?Steam Me: would be great if Brian Weiner and Dick Hyman got married and became Mr. and Mr. Dick Weiner-Hyman.Salt: I wish I had a job where I got screwed.Oh..wait. Read that wrong.Nevermind.

  16. Fuck, gotta change my thesis to Dragon Research. Thank you. I worked with a lawyer named Dick Schmuck. Honest. True. Serious. I loved saying his name. Thanks for the follow.

  17. Some of my parents good friend where "The Butts" my dad worked with him for years and we used to eat with the butts, camp with the butts, go to movies with the butts – what a pain in the ass that name must have been.

  18. Coffeypot says:

    A cock is a ROOSTER, not a chicken. That is why some hens are called PULLETS. They are there for the cocks. You can just imagine the names I was called with the last name of Coffey.

  19. This is awesome! Now i'm going to spend the rest of my day tweeking my resume so i can apply as a dragon hunter!

  20. If I was a baby tester I would kill myself. Or the babies. Either way, there would be blood. And Cinemax. Just cuz.

  21. Moooooog35 says:

    Wannabe: Thesis?Why are all the smart people here today?!Sheila: Did they have a son named 'Seymour?'Coffey: Isn't a rooster just a guy chicken?Am I wrong here? I have no idea.Carissa: HAHAHAHA..smoooooth job there of changing your name.Hiphop: Gotta have the Cinemax no matter what.I concur.

  22. In my last job back in NYC, I used to deal with a guy in one of our Asian offices called U-Suk Lee. Poor damn man. Hey! U SUK!Sorry, what were you saying?

  23. I swear I'm not making this up, straight from the client files:Short, DickSmall, Peter and to be fairLong, DickWeird number of dicks we have around here.

  24. Rahul says:

    That's what you got out of that e-mail? Weiner? HE SAID HE IS MISSING!!! Someone find this guy. He obviously has internet access. He's probably at the library.

  25. Jessica says:

    Is your company hiring? I would love to have anything "dragon" on my CV.

  26. Momma Fargo says:

    Good thing Douglas's first name wasn't Mike. Can't imagine where you would go with that one. NO IDEA.

  27. Well just great..you ruined my makeup..all dolled up to read this stuff and laughed so hard I pissed myself…I mean cried and ruined my makeup…oh hell never mind…great stuff

  28. Nicky says:

    LMAO!Some of those names absolutely slayed me. We've got a client by the name of Renis Pienis. I've always thought his parents must have hated him.

  29. Kris says:

    I'd like to know 2 things.What the hell kind of shit are you smoking?andCan you send me some RIGHT NOW????

  30. Kris says:

    Also, an extended family member of mine is currently dating a guy named Dick Koch.Yeah, it's pronounce EXACTLY like you think it is….

  31. How you haven't been fired yet is beyond me . . you got blackmail or something?

  32. Toe says:

    Why do you have a hurricane inquiry dept.? I'm sure when struck with a hurricane I won't be able to email the hurricane inquiry department.

  33. Ahahahha HAHAHhahahahahahahaAhahhahahaha! Oh My God. Only YOU can find a way to make peoples names into hilarious fake jobs.

  34. Kernut says:

    @Moooooog35 No, not smart. That's why I'm here.

  35. I went to high school with a girl named Kim Semen. And she was super hot. Imagine what her life was like. I think she's in a mental hospital now.Anyway, you have a great job. I actually have to work when I'm at work. Or just sit there. No internet surfing, no photo montaging, no nothing that isn't work. As a result, people stand in the aisles talking about their health problems all day. It gets a little dull…..

  36. Daffy says:

    You had me at cock

  37. LB says:

    You are a genius. Really. I wish I'd have found such clever ways to amuse myself at work. I used to work with a guy named Donald Dick and a woman named Sammie Butts. I wonder what we were doing at the fortune 500 company??? Hmmmm…

  38. This is awesome! Now i'm going to spend the rest of my day tweeking my resume so i can apply as a dragon hunter!

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