Powerless Hippos and Ball Resting Urinals

Posted: April 6, 2010 in poop scoop press


All shitty comedians look the same in the dark.

Let me explain.

I recently had the opportunity to co-host a fundraiser for New Hampshire Horsetalk – an organization that provides hippotherapy services to autistic and special needs patients.

I know what you’re thinking:

THEY LET YOU OUT OF PRISON?!

This was actually my first ever appearance co-hosting an event…so needless to say I was filling toilets with vomit for, like, the entire fucking day freaking out about this shit.

So, you know..

That was fun.


Here’s the recap:

5:00 pm

I arrive at Milly’s Tavern at 5:00 pm…as Jen from The Whiskey Girls said ‘5 pm WOULD ROCK’ if I showed up then.

5:01 pm

I realize I’m now the ‘creepy old guy’ standing in the corner of a room filled with Whiskey Girls because JEN ISN’T HERE YET THANKS A LOT, JEN and the girls are all, like, ‘what’s with grandpa’ and I’m all, like, ‘You know…I normally don’t have a boner all the time.’

Awkward.


5:01:30 pm

Flee.

It turns out that Jen is running late so now I’m kind of like hanging around outside so I don’t look like a registered sex offender (ACQUITTED! YAY!) but now I realize I just look like a FUCKING LOSER standing outside of a bar by himself.

6:00 pm

Jen pulls up with her husband in their hot rod.

It does not escape me that my name is ‘Rod’ and I’m also ‘hot.’

Coincidence? Most likely.


I say ‘hi’ to Jen and then say ‘hi’ to her husband, Billy, and DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE EVEN A LITTLE BIT that I referred to him as Kenny Loggins in the last gig I did with them because he would fucking KILL me even though I know karate because never, ever, underestimate a man who has tattoos INSIDE HIS URETHRA.

That’s some tough shit right there, my friends.

6:30 pm

Kristin from work shows up with a guy we work with and her friend. We sit down and start drinking.

6:31 pm

Kristin is COMPLETELY FUCKING OBLITERATED.

Huh.

That took longer than usual.


7:30 pm

At 7:30 the first band finishes their set and it occurs to me that the band is made up primarily of Michael Cera clones playing Pantera. When I was their age I was playing Atari and shit at home eating Oreos and probably trying to figure out how to work my penis without making it bleed.

So jealous.

Whatever..I don’t care how old you are. You play Pantera with or without a binky in your mouth and you’re okay in my book.


And then….

Jen goes up to the stage and starts talking.

I’m off stage.

Oh. Look.

I have pooped myself.


Jen says some stuff and honestly I don’t even remember it but then OMG OMG I’m on stage and taking the microphone from her and the next thing I know I’m talking about how TALL THE FUCKING URINALS ARE in this place because, seriously, they’re like, four feet off the floor and even though resting my balls on a urinal IS pretty comfortable…it’s not the most sanitary thing in the world.


And then I remember continuing to talk but I can’t hear anyone laughing and HOLY SHIT I’M BOMBING but I look down and Kristin is taking pictures and video and she’s laughing but SHE IS SO WASTED it doesn’t count so I have NO idea if my hippo jokes are going over or what but – OH JOY – Jen is on the side laughing so there’s a good sign.

Then Jen comes over and says something and I mention something about her looking good and her tattoos being intimidating while it’s making my ladybug tattoo on my hip look pussy-ish.


And then we’re off stage.

I feel like dying.

And…yes…

THERE IS VIDEO.

Kill me.

9:30 pm

After the second band plays which is made up of three guys with dreadlocks (?!) and two of the Whiskey Girls (one of which has a job of just literally SCREAMING “AAARRRGHHHHHHHHHH” into the microphone) my tinnitus is in full force and then Kristin GETS SHUT OFF because she is now 3 hours past being shitfaced and into ‘legendary hammered’ status.


So while Kristin is screaming with her eyes rolled into the back of her head, ‘WHY?! WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?!”….

The power goes out.

Literally.

Power. Outage.

Half the city of Manchester,NH loses power at this point.

And it STAYS off.

Apparently, the hamster got tired.


So eventually everyone starts bailing and then I get a phone call from Kristin because for some reason she has left the bar but FORGOT A SHOE (no shit) which I find SITTING ON THE STAGE.

So..yours truly got on stage all of three minutes and may or may not have been a total fucking bust BUT

We raised a decent amount of money for a VERY good cause..and I was able to finally get that overly-tall urinal joke out of my head AND Jen mentioned that it would probably be a good thing if I came to their events to do this at all their fundraisers.

I hope the hippo jokes continue to carry over to other fundraisers.

Seriously. It’s all I got.

**************************
The wrapup shit:

The Whiskey Girls are an organization who WILL travel for events. If you have an event that you need fundraising for, or a product that you’d like promoted, I can’t think of a cooler organization to have do it. Head to their website, check them out, and get it done.

You can also find them on Facebook here and on Twitter here.

For more photos, come over and join me on Facebook.

Find me at Facebook by clicking here:

If you’d like me to cover an event for you – and get some publicity here – contact me at mailto:midgetmanofsteel@yahoo.com

Don’t worry…I’ll bring my own roofies.


Moog out.

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Comments
  1. Jessica says:

    Not at all what I had pictured you looking like.

  2. Vodka Logic says:

    pretty good for your first event.. too bad the people in the bar couldn't shut up and listen.It was nice of you to dress up for the event.Keep Calm and Carry On.. the name of my favorite cd.

  3. Ed says:

    Stuff like that is always difficult.I do a couple events like that a year. You always feel like you did a lot worse than you actually did.

  4. Elly Lou says:

    I'm planning on opening a can of tomato soup later, can you cover that? I have a tattoo if that helps sway you.

  5. 00dozo says:

    LOL! You totally bust me up some times!I can REALLY appreciate the 'hampster' thing – where I live, anything that farts around here will cause the power to go out. My guess is that the hampster got gassed.Kudos for the fundraiser!

  6. Brutalism says:

    Just as funny onstage as you are on the blog. You did not seem nervous at all. Nice job on the money raised.

  7. Salt says:

    You do an excellent job at looking like you aren't about to hurl right off the stage! Nice job!It sounds like a fun night.

  8. Moooooog35 says:

    Jessica: Thanks. I think.?Vodka: Thank you…for my next trick, I plan on flooding the stage with an uncontrolled release of feces.Ed: What REALLY sucks is that I had this great set for the next time up and then the power went out.Maybe I'll save it.Maybe not.Elly: How much does it pay?00dozo: Hamster.No 'p.'Unless you go to clean the cage and then, yes, there's P EVERYWHERE.Brutalism: You're just saying that because it's true.Salt: I always have fun.Unless I'm not and then it sucks.True story.

  9. OMG. I doubt that if I met you in person I'd be able to resist being inappropriately affectionate. I apologize for this. Both now and in future.

  10. That was utter disrespect the band was packing up and no one shut the hell up. So rude. Sorry to see you bombed.

  11. Eva Gallant says:

    I gotta' say for those of you who've never met "Hot Rod," his photos and videos don't do him justice. He's much cuter in person! And thanks for sharing the video of what I missed!

  12. Lisa Loomis says:

    Agreed. You're pretty fucking cute. Dibs!

  13. Maxie says:

    All I got from this is Kristin is fucking awesome. New role model!

  14. Maxie says:

    Also, I'm pretty sure it's "cut off" and not "shut off" everywhere but new hampshire. Your state is so weird.

  15. Rahul says:

    I went to the whiskey girls website. I find it hard to believe there are that many attractive females in New Hampshire. Where are they being smuggled from? WE DESERVE ANSWERS!!

  16. Mrsblogalot says:

    I bet the throw up would have only added to the fun! But you didn't even look nervous at all! And it looks like you did awesome job!!! Did anyone ever doubt it for a second?

  17. Momma Fargo says:

    I like how Kristen changed clothes and fell on the floor and then changed clothes and fell next to the toilet.And you didn't look nervous…you looked hot…you are such a cutie!

  18. Nicky says:

    Nice job raising $ and not spewing. I kinda thought you were going to show off your tattoo at one point, but then you didn't.Tease.

  19. JenJen says:

    Totally awesome as expected. You're the best. Anybody would be glad to have you. (notice I did not write any space body? k.)smooch.

  20. I do host duties all the time for fundraisers, to break the ice, just start insulting people.

  21. Me-Me King says:

    Atta girl, Kristin!Love, love, loved the video. You are truly a star in the making.

  22. Kernut says:

    Rodney, you've made it to the big time. Congrats! ;)Maxie is right, again. (Thanks again for the lemon porn!) It is "cut off" in all states but NH.The back of the card is rad, but now I'm curious about the front of the card.. show us the front of the card.

  23. Ziva says:

    "Panic and freak out." That's what I would have done. Congrats, you did great! Also, that was some impressive drinking by Kristin. Nice!

  24. You didn't seem nervous at all. I would have pissed myself, so kudos to you.Also, my heart just made a wish that you will somehow incorporate creepy leaf hider guy into all your posts from now on.

  25. Moooooog35 says:

    Shield: Sounds like I'm going to be in the middle of a catfight!Awesome.Wannabe: Wait…I BOMBED?!KNEW IT.Eva: Aww. Thanks. Will you be participating in said catfight?Lisa: yay me.Maxie: Be careful what you wish for.Rahul: We smuggle them in from countries such as Vermont and Dubai.The more you know.Mrsblogalot: I doubted me for more than that. Does that count?Momma: HAHAHA..THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST CATFIGHT EVER!!Nicky: I did not because then it would have required me to remove my shirt and, honestly, it would have been hard to mop up all the fainted women.JenJen: Took me, like, 5 minutes to figure out the 'anybody' thing.Don't do that again.Malach: PERFECT.Me-Me: SOMEONE CALL ED MCMAHON!!Is he dead?Kelly: Tha-ank you!Kernut: I don't think 'Milly's Tavern' counts as 'big time' but thank you anyway.Ziva: Kristin sober is actually quite an oddity.Steam Me: I did piss myself.Depends are AMAZING.

  26. MommaKiss says:

    I'll jump on the Hot wagon! And, well, you know me and the whole 'accent' thing. Now. Where's this catfight? I want in!

  27. I watched the first 15 seconds, but then I was too nervous. It sounded like everyone was screaming and laughing, tho, so that's good.I may have to have the Whiskey Girls (and you) come out and promote our new porch being built. It's gonna be quite an event.

  28. Maybe it was the material. You wanna "open" for the birth of my next kid? I'm sure you could come with something.But it might not be a venue where you'd want to "kill."

  29. I wish the hell I was there. You did not seem nervous though.

  30. Okay, a quick hippotherapy question. Is it therapy FOR hippos, or therapy for humans USING hippos (kinda like aroma therapy but different)?

  31. CatLadyLarew says:

    Great work for a great cause, Moooooog. Now I think I understand hippotherapy… sort of.

  32. Toe says:

    Look at you being all helpful and stuff. The softer side of Mooog, it's kinda disturbing.

  33. Lisa Loomis says:

    are we going to ultimate surrender fight for rod's heart?because i'll beat all of y'all.

  34. I haven't watched the video yet, but after reading this post, I want to hang out with Kristen so I will have the opportunity of looking semi remotely normal after drinking my weight in Vodka.

  35. MamaWhiskey says:

    Rodney~You were amazing and had us laughing so hard it was awesome…What a night it was!! Good times we rocked it out even with the lights out!! He he. Read some of the comments, YOU DIDN'T BOMB !!! And the band moving off stage well kids it was a show with music moving bands off and on stage happens all night long in between sets. There wasn't really a lot of chatter and people were laughing, I think because you were so nervous you couldn't hear them all 🙂 We Love you!!As far as women in NH, no we were not smuggled in, yes there actually are decent looking smart women in NH :)HugsMama

  36. Moooooog35 says:

    Mommakiss: This is turning into the best. day. ever.JD: Will we all fit on the porch? Are meals included?Mad Woman: FYI, you mentioned 'open' and 'come up' in the same sentence as you birthing your child.Just pointing that out.Tee: Well..it's not like I DIDN'T announce it!!Chris: If you watch the video, it apparently has nothing to do with hippos.The more you know.CatLady: Could you explain it to me, please?Toe: I'm soft a lot.That's why I take pills.Lisa: OMG Ultimate Surrender..the most disturbing thing you'll ever get a boner for.I'm calling marketing.Meleah: Trust me..you don't have to wait long.MamaWhiskey: YAY!!! You commented!!Thanks for backing me up!! And – yes people – there ARE hot smart women in NH. Most of them work for Whiskey Girls.

  37. Diskon says:

    Love how at the 2:22 mark of the video you totally check out Jen's tits. Pretty daring considering you were being video taped and Jen's tattooed husband was in the audiance (not that I think she would have needed any help beating your ass, but still). But Jen is pretty hot and it was worth the risk.

  38. Jen says:

    Your voice is a lot lower than I expected.

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