Giving Blood is Like Sex with Jaundice Relatives

Posted: April 5, 2010 in work, wtf


Are vampires this friggin’ picky?

Let me explain.

Our work had a blood drive the other day so I decided to fulfill my moral obligation to society by getting a free HIV screening because no matter how clean they look, you never know which transsexual prostitute is giving you the wrong information up front.

Plus, you get your choice of juice and a cookie!

The more you know.


But before I give up my blood I have to answer a TWO PAGE questionnaire which took, like, a friggin’ hour and NICE JOB PHLEBOTOMISTS because in the time it took to answer 456 questions three people died desperately needing my blood.

I hope you can live with yourselves.

Murderers.

**********************

INDICATE YES OR NO:

5. In the past 12 months have you: lived with or had sexual contact with anyone who has active or chronic viral hepatitis or yellow jaundice?

Right. Like I’d fuck someone if they were YELLOW because I totally have a fetish for banging lemons.

Totally putting that on my bucket list now, though.

The ‘yellow’ person thing…not the lemon thing.

That one’s already crossed off.

My chicken piccata tastes funny.

9. Have you ever had: Babesiosis, Chagas disease, or taken Tegison?

Not a friggin clue, dude, but HOLY FUCK are those fun to say!

If you say it like, Tegison Babesiosis Chagas and keep repeating it over and over you sound like a choo-choo!


Yay!

I like choo-choos.

11. Have you ever had brain surgery? If so, have you received a dura mater (or brain covering) graft? Have you ever received human pituitary-derived growth hormone?

Im finking Imma hadum bain soogery!

HULK SMAAAAAASH!

16. Since 1980, have you knowingly obtained and been injected with a non-U.S. licensed drug product made from cattle, such as bovine (beef) insulin?

The fuck?


20. Do you weigh 110 pounds or more?

ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT, YOU PIECE OF SHIT?!

23. If you are a man, have you ever had sex with a man, even one time? If you are a woman, have you ever had sex with a man who has ever had sex with a man?

I answered ‘no’ here because I don’t think relatives count.


25. Have you ever had sex with someone who has ever taken clotting factor concentrates?

Hell yeah. CONSTANTLY.

Me: “Hey..wanna come back to my place?”

Girl: “Mmmmm..sounds fantastic.”

Me: “Hey baby…have you ever taken clotting factor concentrates?”

Girl: “Yes I have.”

Me: “HOT.

28. Have you ever given money or drugs for sex?

Do blowjobs count? They don’t count, right?

RIGHT?!?!

29. Have you ever taken money or drugs for sex?

Dude.

Like I’d be working in this stupid shithole right now if I had the ability to pull coin from the use of my penis?

30. Have you ever had sex with someone who has ever taken or given money for sex?

My lawyer is telling me to not answer this question. Plus my uncle is violently shaking his head ‘no’ at me right now.

Ten bucks says he has Babesiosis.

Figures.

**********************

In the end I ended up being accepted for the blood letting because apparently it’s okay to be on Vicodin and give blood but probably only because I forgot to tell them.

But then I figured if you NEED a blood transfusion then you’re probably going to want the pain meds anyway.

I’m thoughtful like that.

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Comments
  1. Maxie says:

    go to youporn and search lemons.you'll thank me later.

  2. The bloodbanks of North America still refuse to take my fabulous and potent Euro blood in case I have the mad cow disease. While this is a fine idea in principle, in reality I have not eaten a cow since I was probably 15 and that's more than half my life ago, therefore, I feel I probably do NOT have the mad cow disease (not in the way they mean anyway) therefore, my blood can probably cure the world's illnesses with one tiny shot. Yet still I am refused. Is this fair? No.P.S. Nor have I done the things on your list here. Unless they were during a lost weekend that I no longer recall.

  3. Mrsblogalot says:

    HAAAAAAAA!!!!! My sides hurt from laughing so hard and I think I might be turning yellow.Now please make my day and tell me you are an organ donor too!

  4. Jessica says:

    I'm in the same boat as Vegetable Assassin; my overseas-tainted blood is no good here.

  5. Tracie says:

    Back in college, I used to sell my plasma for beer money. I'm pretty sure they didn't have all those restrictions. Either that or I lied on the form.

  6. CatLadyLarew says:

    My blood is tainted with all sorts of good meds, so I'm no good at a blood drive. Why do they call it a blood drive, though? How does the blood hold onto the steering wheel? Just askin'…

  7. I am saving mine for in case Bill comes by and needs a refreshment. Truly Fangbanger.

  8. MommaKiss says:

    I am not allowed to donate due to a recent tat. That and I've taken drugs for sex.

  9. Momma Fargo says:

    Blowjobs don't count. That is, according to Clinton…they are not sexual relations and therefore cannot be counted as sex. And if you give or get money for them…you are not classified in the prostitution or john section yet. And he was The President for shit's sake…he should know. Ask him.

  10. Eva Gallant says:

    You had me in tears with this one! Loved it!

  11. Moooooog35 says:

    Maxie: So. Much. Wrong with you.Veggie: They refuse to take your blood because they can get the same nutritional value from a can of V8.Mrsblogalot: I AM an organ donor.The organ in question is kept a highly guarded secret, though.Jessica: You crazy people and your malaria.Tracie: The bonus there is you get EXTRA drunk from having less blood.Win win!Catlady: The blood doesn't drive. It's a guy named Lou who looks really annoyed for some reason.Wannabe: At least you have a plan.That's the first step.MommaKiss: You're so dainty.Momma Fargo: You seem to be quite the authority.Eva: You're welcome.

  12. Brutalism says:

    I went to visit a terminally ill aunt of mine in the hospital a few years ago, and stopped by the hospital gift shop for a little pick-me-up on my way up to see her. The cheery gift I chose? A bright yellow smiley face balloon. Only to walk into her room to discover that she was completely jaundiced. It was like I was taunting her.

  13. If you ever decide to start a band, or change your band name if you're in one, I'd suggest "Babesiosis in Toyland."

  14. I used to be able to donate until I got married and started charging the husband for sex.

  15. Rahul says:

    DO NOT GO TO LEMONPARTY.ORG.You've been warned.

  16. cfoxes says:

    Best post I have read today! Thanks for the great laugh! Scary, though.

  17. I don't think I will ever be the same after seeing those yellow eyes. Ugh.I think the appropriate answer to alot of those questions is:"God I hope not!"

  18. I am clearly a total loser since my blood is accepted anywhere. Shame.

  19. Me-Me King says:

    This is the funniest post I have read all day….I can go home now, but not without Googling Babesiosis, Chagas disease and Tegison first.

  20. the thing i laughed hardest about was calling that woman the lady-thing. hysterical

  21. Moooooog35 says:

    Brutalism: HAHAHAHAHAHA. Awesome.Jeremy: Too difficult. You have to be able to say your band's name while on quaaludes.Sheila: HOLY CRAP THAT'S A GREAT IDEA!Rahul: OH GOD I HATE YOU.cfoxes: You're welcome. Did you go to lemonparty.org yet?Bikram: Exactly. They need a third column.hiphop: Not for long. That guy from Saturday night..um…Me-Me: Just whatever you do..DON'T GO TO LEMONPARTY.ORG.Speaking: It's amazing what catches some people.

  22. LB says:

    LOL! As always, you crack me up. I remember when I first got pregnant and had that blood panel done. I was less concerned with the well-being of my unborn child than I was of the HIV results. I literally celebrated with a tub of ice cream and some chicken quesadillas. (Hey, I was eating for two!!!)

  23. Vodka Logic says:

    What no give aways.. our donor room at least gives you a back scratcher or something.You are also the reason I work nights, you must have driven them crazy… in a good way of course… lol

  24. Daffy says:

    Dude….they'll take blood from you, but not me?Did you drop off a sperm sample too?

  25. AtYourCervix says:

    LEMONPARTY.ORGACK!! My eyes!! It burned by eyes!!!!!

  26. middle child says:

    Great post! Ya try to do good,…..right?

  27. Elly Lou says:

    Why did I follow Maxi's instructions? I'm going to have nightmares about losing a lemon now.

  28. Ziva says:

    The one time I tired to donate blood, I was turned away on account of not weighing enough. They didn't seem all that bothered about my escort service, though. Weird that.

  29. Jen says:

    I'm afraid to post for all those reasons but now that I read this I know I couldn't because of a tattoo, or three, medications and my ex husband slept with anything that moved, or didn't, and he paid a lot of money to do so. I'm clean though, I swear.

  30. Jen says:

    I really fucked that last comment up. I'm not afraid to post, I'm afraid to give blood. I don't know where that post came from. And even though it sounds like I am some slimy redneck with tattoos all over my body, a couch on my front lawn and a car on blocks in the back it's not true. I just married a couple of guys like that. Seriously, except for the Hep C I was exposed to when I was a kid I really am clean. God! I'm never gonna get another date after this comment.

  31. Jenny DB says:

    what a sad world when donating blood and/or healthcare makes for such hilarious blog posts. because this seriuosly was hilarious.

  32. Nicky says:

    Nice of you to share the Vicodin.

  33. I am CRYING LAUGHING. ahahahHAHAHHAhahahaHHAHAhHAH

  34. Slash the wrist, hold a cup under it, there's all the blood they need, those bastards!

  35. Ed says:

    Feel sorry for the poor sap getting your blood.Ha.I hope the used the big 18 gauge needle on you too.

  36. Moooooog35 says:

    LB: aaaand..now I have a picture of you getting pregnant.I have no idea what you look like. But don't fight my mind. It's how it works.Vodka: They offered me a t-shirt. Joy.Daffy: Less 'dropped off a sperm sample' and more 'sprayed it on the bus driver.'AtYourCervix: I KNOW.Middle: I was in it for the cookie.Elly: Sometimes you wish you could just hit the 'undo life' button.Ziva: YOU'RE HEIDI FLEISS?!?!?!Jen: You sound hot.JennyDB: Mental Poo..turning the mundane into dane since 2006.Nicky: RIGHT?Meleah: If you cry laughing, I don't think you can donate blood.Malach: Great idea! Just did it..and….um….dizzy…Ed: 16 gauge. That's 4 gauges bigger than a SHOTGUN.What a jerk.

  37. Alyssa says:

    Eek…no wonder there's a shortage of blood. Who can pass that test???Maybe nonEnglish speaking people in an American hospital–wait, that won't work…tell me, how do they ever get blood? for real?

  38. Buggys says:

    I want a Spam sandwich now.

  39. LiLu says:

    I think you owe me a cookie now.

  40. Kernut says:

    There is nothing wrong with having a lemon fetish. Lemon-fetishists have rights, too. Thanks Maxie for the lead. You rock. Love the pic of the guy in question 16! As for the questions after that – how am I supposed to know?? I was probably high at the time. Guess I'm not donating blood anymore. Gees, I thought all I has to ask a guy was about his last HIV test, and VD. Now I've got to ask all that other stuff, too? As if some guy who's hoping to get in my pants isn't going to lie about having banged his male cousin the night before. Ya, that's gonna happen. I'm sticking with the lemons.

  41. Jenny says:

    My eyes literally start watering every time I see that chick with yellow eyes. Like it hurts. This may not be your fault because I did have horrible "shoot me in the head now" allergies yesterday. But I'm pointing my finger straight ahead. So if you're in that direction (I don't know which because I'm not that smart) then it's your fault. This is kinda like spin the bottle, right?

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