Let me explain.
Our work had a blood drive the other day so I decided to fulfill my moral obligation to society by getting a free HIV screening because no matter how clean they look, you never know which transsexual prostitute is giving you the wrong information up front.
Plus, you get your choice of juice and a cookie!
The more you know.
But before I give up my blood I have to answer a TWO PAGE questionnaire which took, like, a friggin’ hour and NICE JOB PHLEBOTOMISTS because in the time it took to answer 456 questions three people died desperately needing my blood.
I hope you can live with yourselves.
INDICATE YES OR NO:
5. In the past 12 months have you: lived with or had sexual contact with anyone who has active or chronic viral hepatitis or yellow jaundice?
Right. Like I’d fuck someone if they were YELLOW because I totally have a fetish for banging lemons.
Totally putting that on my bucket list now, though.
The ‘yellow’ person thing…not the lemon thing.
That one’s already crossed off.
My chicken piccata tastes funny.
9. Have you ever had: Babesiosis, Chagas disease, or taken Tegison?
Not a friggin clue, dude, but HOLY FUCK are those fun to say!
If you say it like, Tegison Babesiosis Chagas and keep repeating it over and over you sound like a choo-choo!
I like choo-choos.
11. Have you ever had brain surgery? If so, have you received a dura mater (or brain covering) graft? Have you ever received human pituitary-derived growth hormone?
Im finking Imma hadum bain soogery!
16. Since 1980, have you knowingly obtained and been injected with a non-U.S. licensed drug product made from cattle, such as bovine (beef) insulin?
ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT, YOU PIECE OF SHIT?!
23. If you are a man, have you ever had sex with a man, even one time? If you are a woman, have you ever had sex with a man who has ever had sex with a man?
I answered ‘no’ here because I don’t think relatives count.
Hell yeah. CONSTANTLY.
Me: “Hey..wanna come back to my place?”
Girl: “Mmmmm..sounds fantastic.”
Me: “Hey baby…have you ever taken clotting factor concentrates?”
Girl: “Yes I have.”
28. Have you ever given money or drugs for sex?
Do blowjobs count? They don’t count, right?
29. Have you ever taken money or drugs for sex?
Like I’d be working in this stupid shithole right now if I had the ability to pull coin from the use of my penis?
30. Have you ever had sex with someone who has ever taken or given money for sex?
My lawyer is telling me to not answer this question. Plus my uncle is violently shaking his head ‘no’ at me right now.
Ten bucks says he has Babesiosis.
In the end I ended up being accepted for the blood letting because apparently it’s okay to be on Vicodin and give blood but probably only because I forgot to tell them.
But then I figured if you NEED a blood transfusion then you’re probably going to want the pain meds anyway.
I’m thoughtful like that.