Celine Dion owes my Sphincter Royalties

Posted: April 1, 2010 in I'm an asshole, rants, wife


Before I start today:

I was interviewed WAY THE HELL BACK in, like, October or something by NOSSA.

NOSSA = “National Organization of Short Statured Adults”

I am not making this up.

Apparently, we’re organized.

I had no idea.

Well..at LONG last the podcast was posted…so you can listen to it in all of it’s hideous entirety where I basically talk about how to get laid when you’re short by clicking here.

NEXT..

I’m also did a podcast with Kelly from Speaking from the Crib on April 1st.

So click here so you listen to me be an asshole FOR A FULL HOUR!

Not a big stretch, really.

It’s what I do.

If I don’t get the details here, head over to her site and she’ll have them all posted.

ONWARD!!!

*****************

“She looks like my ass.”

The above little gem was spoken by me to my wife as we walked (I’m sorry..as SHE DRAGGED ME) through a local department store.

I hate shopping.

I would rather watch a lesbian threesome starring Rosie O’Donnell, Whoopi Goldberg and Janet Reno than go shopping.

Unless it’s shopping for a TV, XBox game, or anything involving the store ‘Best Buy’ when I have a gift card.

In those cases, you can replace those three with, say, Carmen Electra, Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansson.

Great.

Not only have I gone way off topic…

…but I’ve also got wood.

I’ll be right back.

(14 seconds later):

Anyway…

As she was yanking me through the aisles, I looked up at the top of a display and saw the horror of all horrors:

CELINE DION.

(Japanese people flee in terror)

Ugh.

Celine Dion was in full poster format (making this abomination appear LIFESIZE), wearing a short skirt…

…windblown…

…and trying to look sexy.

Blech.

Celine Dion trying to look sexy is like George W. Bush trying to look smart or Paris Hilton trying to not be a filthy whore.

Ain’t. Gonna. Happen.

Me: “ARGH!! MY EYES!!.”

Wife: “What?”

Me: “Celine Dion.”

Wife: “What about her?”

Me: “She scared me. She looks like my ass.”

On a related note, having a fairly loud conversation about how Celine Dion resembles your anus probably is one of the best ways to get dirty looks from elderly people.

That, and randomly shoving them.

I’ve digressed.

Wife: “You WISH your ass was that talented.”

*pause*

Me: “Actually, I think my ass can also hold a pretty long note.”

Wife: * blink

Me: “Maybe they were separated at birth.”

Maybe.

I hope so.

She can forward me some money to help pay for all these fucking SHOES we bought.

God, I hate shopping.

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Comments
  1. Celine Dion is one of those freaks who's popularity just won't die. WHY is she still on posters in department stores? WHY?!!!

  2. Ziva says:

    I once had a very nice dream about me, Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansson. It was good. Very good.

  3. Lisa Loomis says:

    i've missed you. i thought you forgot about me.

  4. Maxie says:

    but would you have sex with celine dion rather than shop?CONUNDRUM!!!

  5. Well, thanks for the laugh! You made my day!. Is she really looks worse than your….?LOL!Betty

  6. Ben says:

    Betty – nothing is worse than his ….?LOL!

  7. Momma Fargo says:

    At least you didn't come home with wood from your shopping trip this time…then we would all know how you really feel about Celine, and that you refer her by her first name only…

  8. Don says:

    Celine Dion is Sylvester Stallone's afterbirth. They look alike, but Stallone's mouth is crooked the other way, and he's not Canadian.

  9. Eva Gallant says:

    You rock! Listened to your interview!

  10. Maxie says:

    @Ben – I hate his ….?LOL!It's horrible!

  11. Mrsblogalot says:

    Haaaaa!!…and 14 seconds..I'm impressed!

  12. Elly Lou says:

    They sell Celine Dion at Home Depot? I'm going to assume she was in the "tool" section.

  13. Jen says:

    Thanks, now I am stuck with the image of Rosie, Whoopie and Janet Reno all going at it, and to top it off I have a Celine Dion song stuck in my head and I can't get the image of her banging her chest out of my mind either. I'm glad you got wood out of this post, I just want to go and throw up.

  14. Me-Me King says:

    I listened to your podcast last night. I really think you should host your very own podcast show…think about it, Midget Man of Steel presents…..I smell an Emmy!

  15. Ed says:

    NOSSA = "National Organization of Short Statured Individuals"Uh…shouldn't that be NOSSI?Which, by the way, sounds way cooler. Like Nazi.You guys could wear little miniture swastikas and shit.

  16. Ooh, thanks for reminding me to shove an old person today.And I think we'll really need a side-by-side photo comparison to determine if Celine Dion really does look like your ass.

  17. Moooooog35 says:

    Anything: To try to kill us or make us blind..that's why.Ziva: And yet you leave us no details.Lisa: You. Complete. Me.Maxie: Oh..look at you..going and spelling 'conundrum' correctly.Cute.Betty: Yes. She looks worse than my..Ben: You know you want me. Stop being so coy.Momma: Who said I didn't?The Hell?Don: We may be brethren.Eva: Thank you!Maxie: What is wrong with you people? Don't hate my ?LOL!Mrsblogalot: New endurance record for me.Elly: That WOULD be appropriate, yes.Jen: Join. The club.Me-Me: Who is this Emmy? And why does she smell? Ed: It's been corrected. You rednecks are so picky.JD: Be careful what you wish for.

  18. LB says:

    You should have kidnapped the poster and left another ransom note. I can't believe your wife would waste such valuable "ME" time by bringing you along on a shopping trip! I live the husband at home. With the KIDS! Where he belongs!!

  19. Kris says:

    Part of me is terribly embarrassed that she's from my country… BUT SHE'S YOUR PROBLEM NOW!!! MWAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!!!!

  20. carissa says:

    While I'm sure your ass can hold a not as long as Celine, I doubt that it has such a high range. But if it does then I have no idea what your doing wasting your time blogging. Go make an album. I would listen to it all day long.

  21. Amy says:

    Everyone I've ever come into contact with in my entire life loathes her. I've just recently found you and you loathe her. Who the hell is supporting this woman and making her so god-awful rich?!It's a travesty!

  22. Amy says:

    Everyone I've ever come into contact with in my entire life loathes her. I've just recently found you and you loathe her. Who the hell is supporting this woman and making her so god-awful rich?!It's a travesty!

  23. Rahul says:

    That cat had cheese on it's head. CHEESE ON IT"S HEAD!Stupid cat.

  24. Joann Mannix says:

    Not only does she hurt my eyes, my ears freaking bleed! She and Michael Buble's songwriters reside in nursing homes, of this I am convinced. How short are you? Short men are the schizz in my book. Al Pacino, Robert Downey, Jr., Ben Stiller are all hotties. Short men rule, except for Tom Cruise. He's just the king of the creepsters.

  25. Moooooog35 says:

    LB: THANK YOU.Pass the word along, please.Kris: Revel in it while you can. At some point, she'll be back.dun dun dunnnnnCarissa: Can't be any worse than Taylor Swift, right?Amy: I assume it's deaf people who have organized.Rahul: 'Stupid cat' is redundant.Joann: I'm, like, 5'3" tall.I guess that makes me schizz.

  26. middle child says:

    Yeah. That's what got me too. The cat with cheese on it's head. I will laugh evertime I think of it which I hope isn't tonight at church.

  27. So when do you and the wife have sex in the store?

  28. Miss Yvonne says:

    Reading this reminded me that I need to go shopping this weekend. My husband thanks you in advance.

  29. Buggys says:

    My daughter is the President of the "I hate Celine Dion the very most Club". I'm sending her a link to this post and I'm guessing she will want to have your babies. Just saying.

  30. Tony Spunk says:

    Dude I would like never to see Celine Dion anywhere near my sphincter if that's okay. She even makes my berries retract inside my body so I look like a lady.

  31. Alyssa says:

    I have to stop laughing first…14 seconds is that your best?

  32. So I guess that if your ass had a hit song, it would be "My Fart Will Go On," right? You can answer, Mooooog, but, to be totally honest, I'd like to hear more about Ziva's dream. A lot more.Off to Home Depot now.

  33. Ziva says:

    Moooooog, Mike, gather around boys… And don't tell anyone I told you this, boyfriends get so insecure when they think their girlfriends are bi-curious or bi-sexual or anything other than blind. Seriously, anyone with eyes will see that women are prettier, but that doesn't mean I would want to live with one. Jeez, that would just be too much work, women are a hassle. Can't I just look and maybe touch every once in a while without bruising the fragile ego of every male within a 10-kilometer radius?I've digressed.About that dream… There was a huge bed, a lace thong, handcuffs with pink fur and ice cream. I've been sleeping 24/7 ever since, trying to recreate that dream.

  34. Moooooog35 says:

    Middle: It's perfectly acceptable to laugh in church.I think. I'm not sure. I really don't go.Malach: It's like all you think about is me having sex.Creepy.Miss Yvonne: Just don't tell him where I live.Buggys: I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume she's legal?Tony: Never underestimate the power of a chick near your sphincter.Never.Alyssa: That's actually a record. Impressed?MikeWJ: You are my hero…because…Ziva: * blink

  35. Nicky says:

    14 seconds?! And your ass can sing? Your wife is a very lucky woman.

  36. CatLadyLarew says:

    So glad your head is filled with so much crap… keep letting it out!

  37. MommaKiss says:

    Celine deserves a tool up the ass. Maybe that's why she was in Home Depot. Good Luck tonight – don't do anything TOO weird to the horses. Wait, will the horses be there? Or you're just 'benefiting' the horse stuff? I'm confused.Which is kinda my normal state, anyway.

  38. LiLu says:

    I'm going to buy some Kraft Singles just so I can do that to EVERYONE I KNOW tonight.

  39. Moooog, I admire you for being able to blink after reading Ziva's erotic short story. My face is just frozen solid, eyes open, mouth open, hair standing on end. I'm pretty sure this isn't put me in good standing for Easter…..

  40. I listened to your interview and you spoke really well. I still laugh at the "ugly as a foot" thing.I was pissed though that you're not a real midget.

  41. Celine Dion terrifies me. But I scare easily.

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