"Taken" – a Shady Hostage Story

Posted: March 25, 2010 in I'm an asshole, work


Being at work should not be this much fun.

Which it is, when I’m not actually doing work.

Let me explain.

So, I’m going down to the gym at work the other day, and I notice all these ‘MISSING’ posters stuck up all over the goddamn place.

They’re in the rec room…the locker room…the hallways. EVERYWHERE.

I wonder what this person has lost that they’ve gone to such great lengths to put posters up all over the place at work.

Missing child?

Lost dog?

Tara Reid’s virginity?

No. Although the ‘dog’ and ‘Tara Reid’ thing may be solved in one fell swoop.

Just sayin’.

No..what this person lost was…

Sunglasses.


These posters were EVERYWHERE.

I fully expected to order a milk in the cafeteria and see a picture of the sunglasses on the side.


I mean…what asshole does this?

So, I did what any normal person would do.

I faked a ransom note for them.

Duh.

(click to enlarge)

Then I went and hung it up next to one of the ‘Missing’ posters.

See?


Perfect.

Do I have this jerk’s sunglasses?

Hell no.

But if this guy has 4 million bucks, I’m totally willing to go buy a pair and swap with him. Hell..he already gave me a picture of what they look like.

Worth a shot.

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Comments
  1. Maxie says:

    This may be my favorite blog post of all time.Also, now that you spent forever piecing that note together, it seems like a good time to tell you that there's a font where you can just type and it makes it look like a ransom note.The more you know.

  2. Maxie says:

    Also, why do I get the feeling that's not the first creepy picture you've taken in the locker room with your camera phone?

  3. Hahahahahaha! I bet that dude's calling the FBI right about now. I see an awesome blog post in your future. If your fingers still type… :)Also, Red Squirrel is one of my blog buddies, WTF?

  4. Mrsblogalot says:

    HAAAAA!!! Yes, you did what any normal person would do! I really need to work where you are!

  5. Mrsblogalot says:

    oh, gift for you over at my place today (-:

  6. Dude. DUDE. You need to submit this shiz to passiveaggressivenotes.com.Also, worry not, Maxie, he used the random font. Man, amazing story. I wanna be your coworker.

  7. CatLadyLarew says:

    What a great idea… great way to supplement your Mental Poo shop income.

  8. Man you must have the BESt job there is! What a douchbag; who the hell gets that upset about a pair of freakin sunglasses? This person deserves everything he gets.

  9. Tracie says:

    Maybe the wanted posters were put up there just to see what you would do. I'm sure it's no big office secret that you're a smart ass.

  10. inannasstar says:

    I found your blog from Mrs. Blogsalot and this is hysterical! I love this kind of shit and can't wait to read some more.

  11. erin says:

    That guy is obviously a twat. I wonder if he's one of those douchebag's that would get mad at something hilarious like you're ransom note. I bet he threatens to beat you up.

  12. JenJen says:

    hahah you're something else moogsy….

  13. randomblogette says:

    Now that is freaking genius!

  14. Eva Gallant says:

    That is way too funny. Do you even have time to work?

  15. Too funny – I can just picture the guy who lost them. A jersey shore, steroid shooting, overtanned, mc hammer pants wearing, cool guy wannabe – you're totally gonna make him cry.

  16. Don says:

    Does this mean that you will quit blogging and go into full time mug sales if you get the 4mil from the asshat?

  17. Reminds me of a time, in one of my offices past, when someone sent a note to the whole company threatening that if her missing lunch didn't turn up soon, others in the office might find "unpleasant surprises" in their lunches.Brilliant!Brian O'Mara-CroftAuthor, Lost in the Hive

  18. This is Brilliant! BRILLIANT!!! I need to do this too! Those sunglasses could cost as much as an iPad though, no? I do see a lot of posters for missing iPods and iPhones. They are gone. Gone baby gone! Did you really cut out those letters and glue them on paper or is there a clever typeface that you could enlighten us with? You could be starting a new movement here, you know? LOL. And would you be really mad if I submit this here to "passive aggressive notes"? I don't think you are being passive aggressive, but some of the notes there are like this one hilarious and actually right on!

  19. Me-Me King says:

    You aren't selling any mugs or T-shirts are you. Twisted, really twisted and I love it! LOL!

  20. Moooooog35 says:

    Maxie: I spent the first hour of my day yesterday finding and loading up that stupid font. So there.Also, yes. There are plenty of these pictures of me but they're mostly hanging up in my own locker.I love me.Veggie: Red Squirrel is me?!Mrsblogalot: THANK YOU!!ThatKind: I submitted it.I'm a narcissist like that.CatLady: Yes..it will supplement my 6 dollars just fine.Not kidding. SIX DOLLARS.Life: THANK YOU!Brndout: I have the worst job. The best part is that I get to do this when I'm not bitching about it.Tracie: Not a secret any more..that's for sure.inanna: Thank you, come again!That's what she said.What?Erin: I dare him to do it. I have Ninja skillz.JenJen: Moogsy makes me sound like a 1930's gangster.AWESOME.Random: I KNOW!Eva: HAHAHAHA. Work. HAHAHAHAHA.Sheila: God..that would be awesome.Making him cry, I mean.Don: Absolutely. Want one?Brian: Sorry, dude..but I can't get past the fact that your last name is hyphenated. Please tell me you didn't hyphenate because of your wife's name. I feel dirty.Absence: Feel free to submit it and, no, I found a font to do it. Best day ever!Me-me: Like you expect something else here?

  21. Brutalism says:

    Next, you should pretend you found them…then he'll come to your desk and you can show him a pair that looks nothing like the ones he is missing. This will serve to a) disappoint him for your entertainment and b) let you know who to avoid at the company Christmas party.

  22. Kernut says:

    O.M.G. You are too funny! You must be a kick to work with! Dude, don't they know it's you who posts this stuff? I mean, seriously… there can't be two of you in the same office building. I tried to do something similar here once and several people figured out it was me right away. F*ck. I want that font. What's it called (for the PC)?

  23. You are going to be a 4 millionaire at any moment! Can I borrow a few hundred bucks?

  24. Momma Fargo says:

    I hope you didn't leave any of your fingerprints on the evidence. It appears you touched everything…leaving your identity behind. Not only that, but you took photos. I thought you much more sneaky and covert than that. I'm so disappointed. I'm sure they would have never figured it out before then. It's so high school…clearly not done by a Moog professional this time. Who's the imposter?

  25. Coffeypot says:

    Be careful, Moooooog. It the guy is so attached to his sunglasses that he would post a missing poster, he may take offence to your ransom note and come to your desk and pop a cap in your ass. He has to be on the verge of insanity with grief, and he has to know it was your. Who else at your place spends more time fucking with people than you.

  26. kate says:

    Where did you find that font? I'm going to write a ransom note for myself, tape it the computer and take the rest of the afternoon off.

  27. Cassie says:

    LMAO! You gotta love a job where one person has time to post missing posters everywhere and you have time to make up a ransom note.

  28. Moooooog35 says:

    Brutalism: OMG you need to work here too.Kernut: That font is called…I swear this is true:Got heroin?Not joking.hiphop: buy a mug or a shirt and I'll consider it.Momma: No..I use gloves. Although, there may be DNA on those.Perhaps I've said too much.Coffee: I'm totally ready.* kung fu kicks to the airKate: I spent like an hour Googling it.It's called 'got heroin'…I shit you not.Torn: OMG THAT'S AWESOME.Cassie: I don't have to love this job…Thank God.

  29. Kris says:

    I think I might have fallen in a little bit of love with you.

  30. those must have been some expensive glasses – to spend more money on so many fliers! Unless, of course he used the office copy machine.

  31. those must have been some expensive glasses – to spend more money on so many fliers! Unless, of course he used the office copy machine.

  32. WFT? Why are there double comments. I really wasn't repeating myself! Im not that drunk. Yet.

  33. Sarah says:

    Next step, go find all the posters and draw little noses and Groucho-staches on all of them.

  34. Kelly says:

    Mrsblogalot told me to come over here for some good laughs and who am I to ignore her orders?Let me just say I am SO glad I listened. I LOVE the ransom note…for a pair of sunglasses.I'll be back.

  35. Ziva says:

    You'd make an awesome kidnapper. Wanna go into business with me? You can be the brawns and I'll be the boobs. Brains! I'll be the brains!

  36. MommaKiss says:

    I'm sorry but the picture on the milk carton reminded me of my child hood friend who has been missing since he was 9. I can't go on.I can't.

  37. lbluca77 says:

    HA! This is awesome and now I have a giant crush on you.

  38. LB says:

    He's going to kick your ass!! LOL!

  39. What? No age progression photo??

  40. Colby says:

    A "shady" story? Well played.

  41. Lauren says:

    Over here from Mrs. B's place. Hellarious!!!! God. I loved the pictures. Ransom note: priceless. Sunglass dude has got to get a grip or not. Lots of great material to be gleaned from self-centered neurotics. Oops. That would include me.

  42. Robin says:

    MrsBloglot sent me…I must admit I was hesitant as I avoid poo at all costs..just like I told her…but "mental poo" has piqued, yes "piqued" my interest…so I shall return…as for the Rays…Ive got em…yep literally I have those..well hubs does..lolol..and, Oh shit they're missing..WTF…..

  43. Yeah, it would've been irresponsible of you to not mock the dude. The ransom note is a great idea. Now you need to prove that you have them, though. Maybe borrow a friend's pair and take a picture of them, then post it next to the ransom note.

  44. I think a sportin' pair of Ray Bans cost like $145 so I can understand this dude's panic. That's why I don't pay more than $10 for shades. Also, that's why people think I'm totally uncool. Well, that other reasons.

  45. If there is no response, go to Wal Mart and buy one of those glasses repair kits, take one of the screws out and leave that with a new note . .

  46. Yankee Wife says:

    OH. MY. GOD. I laughed so freakin' hard my stomach hurts. I can't wait to read more!!!

  47. Genius, you are just a freakin' genius.

  48. LOVE this! you should get a knock-off pair and start sending that guy pieces of them.

  49. Robert says:

    Yeah enjoyed your blog and sense of humour….will come back and visit. Thanks

  50. Nicky says:

    LMAO! Is your company hiring?

  51. Sid says:

    Bwhahaha. Man I love that you faked a ransom note.

  52. Elly Lou says:

    That poor, poor, antibiotic-needing dog.

  53. Moooooog35 says:

    kris: Get in line.You're first.Meleah: HAHAHA (repeat 3 times)Sarah: Of course.What?Kelly: we'll be waiting!!Just kidding. I have things to do.Ziva: I'll start drafting up business cards.Leather is SO difficult to work with.Momma: Maybe that kid has the shades.lbluca: NOW you have a crush on me?Steam Me: Microsoft Paint only does so much.LB: Um..hello? BLUE BELT.Hiya!Colby: *winkLauren: I can't wait til he loses his iPod.Robin: Ask him where my FOUR MILLION DOLLARS IS.Chris:…stay tuned…MikeWJ: You want the whole list or just the top ten?Malach: BRILLIANT!!Yankee: You know..I DO have older posts…Wannabe: Preachin' to the choir sister.Claire: I don't know why I didn't think of this. So ashamed.Robert: You're making me blush.Nicky: I don't know. I don't pay that much attention here.Sid: Me too!Bloggess: Thank you for leaving the weirdest. comment. ever.Pudding?

  54. This post was helpful mainly because it generated the "Flickr Made Me Cross (Dress)" post on Linked Within.

  55. I wish we worked together. Not that you work. But still, it would probably be fun. In a non-dirty way, that is. Whatever.

  56. Jen says:

    You'll need to update us on The Case of the Missing Sunglasses, ok Hardy Boy!? 😉

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