Survey Says…You GOTTA Be Kidding Me, Right?

Posted: March 16, 2010 in I'm an asshole, work


They’ve GOT to be joking.

Let me explain.

You see…

Every so often when I’m at work and not blogging or Twittering or FaceBooking or doing general fuckoffery, I look at my work emails.

Then I go home.

5 minutes of actual work is PLENTY.

But the email I got the other day said that there was an Employee Satisfaction Survey that we needed to take.

Ugh. Fine.

BUT THIS BLOG ISN’T GOING TO WRITE ITSELF, MR. MANAGEMENT!

Then I looked at the questions and thought:

“You’ve GOT to be fucking kidding me.”

(click to enlarge images)


Are they expecting us to be honest?

Because, you know, screw that.


Well..this one’s interesting.

Because see that one that says ‘there are days I don’t put much effort in’..?

Here’s my ACTUAL SCREEN SHOT I took of this page:


Honestly. I have no idea what I get paid to do.

But what the Hell is up with the “Yes I’m looking for another job” question?

WHO’S THE DIPSHIT WHO ANSWERS THAT HONESTLY?!

Actually, who answers ANY of this honestly?

My boss barely knows I’m here. Like I want him fired so they can hire someone who will actually pay attention and conclude that Microsoft Paint isn’t really a necessary part of my job function?

I don’t friggin think so.

The best part was that this was an anonymous survey.

BUT…

You had to choose the department you’re in.

So I answered them all with ‘Hell no’ or ‘my boss is a tool’ and ‘I do nothing’ and then I picked the Product Management department who were the assholes who sent this stupid fucking survey out in the first place.

Think that was a good idea?

___ Agree

___ Strongly Agree

___ HAHAHA

Moog out.

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Comments
  1. lbluca77 says:

    After clicking you screen shot I think it's safe to say you really like yourself.

  2. Momma Fargo says:

    Ha ha! My final answer…hope your boss doesn't know about your blog…oops.

  3. Jessica says:

    HR folks are funny.

  4. HAHA! Now, look and see who gets fired.

  5. You gotta watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUk5MxixAQg First thing I thought of.Yeah, my boss better not ask me to answer on of these though he wouldn't read if for another 6 months, just as I walk in to ask for a raise.

  6. MJenks says:

    We get shit like this all the time, too. My company has 125 people working in it. And, having been on the receiving end of those "anonymous" surveys, I can tell you that the people who get the reports can, with about 95% accuracy, figure out who made what comments in the comments sections.So, yeah…anonymous, my ass.

  7. MommaKiss says:

    I want to know what's on the blacked out tab.

  8. Moooooog35 says:

    lbluca: Well..someone has to.Momma: I know. Especially if he finds the video I made of his testicles.Jessica: They're so cute, aren't they?Lee: EXACTLY.Mad Woman: That's why I don't ask for raises. I know better.Mjenks: EXACTLY why I sign other people's names in the comments.Mommakiss: I'm gonna guess some sort of porn.

  9. Oh see, that questionnaire is a trick one because they track your computer time and the sites that you visit and the actual time you are working by the key strokes they have…They are about to fire your ass…Don't shoot the messenger.

  10. Sarah says:

    My blog isn't in your screen shot.And that's what I took away from this entry. Because it's about me.*cancels asstastic shirt order*

  11. Ha! That was a fantastic idea!You should just hope they don't have that weird shit on the computers that track whatever IP or yadda yadda bullshit that survey was sent from. Then they'd know it was you. :/

  12. nipsy says:

    That has got to be one of the most effed up work surveys ever!!!Are they trying to figure out just how many people they can make quit with those?? Looking to transfer positions to third world countries?? WTF should have been an option to all questions

  13. Colby says:

    I answered mine honestly and oddly I got a bonus and a raise. I don't think even mgmt takes them seriously.

  14. cfoxes says:

    LOL. I pick Hahaha!

  15. Don says:

    Are they fucking serious?! I've seen some shit like that before, and it always seems to be a sign of doom on the horizon. Like the company is looking to make changes. Beware and watch your back or your cubicle mate's ass whichever is better.

  16. Ziva says:

    I admire your work ethics. I would NEVER have opened a work email. Don't you know that means more work? Silly person.

  17. Coffeypot says:

    Me and my buds use to really screw with surveys like this. No to everything and in the comments sections would leave comments like. “I hate working for a gay manager” (A God’s Gift To Women Wannabe who took great homage to this) and “If I wasn’t making so much money selling secrets to (competitor) I would leave this shitty company.” Security check in with everyone after that one. Have fun with it.

  18. Mrsblogalot says:

    HAHAHA …Like any of the others were really an option. Companies are so stupid. I know, I work for one.

  19. Miss Spoken says:

    Where's the answer column for Punches Self In Face?

  20. Kellie says:

    We get these surveys too. What a flipping joke. Haha is the correct answer to every single one of these questions. 🙂

  21. JenJen says:

    I love the graphics, moosgy…I like that it looks chaotic, it made me laugh.

  22. Daffy says:

    I've worked in the same building for 9 years…the principal still has no idea what my name is. I like that way and am not making any strides to change that…..

  23. AtYourCervix says:

    We get surveys like this every few months at work. We literally have 1000's of employees in the whole system though. Most of us peons don't have our own computer terminal either (we use terminals that are open to anyone to use). We also have to fill out some surveys similar to this every 2 years when renewing our nursing license also.

  24. LB says:

    Wait… You really do have a job?!? It's not with FedEx by chance. That sure looks like a bunch of the bullshit we used to have to fill out at Fed. Oh, then we'd have a "meeting" to talk about our feelings. I left so as not to shank my manager in one of those meetings.

  25. Nicky says:

    Where's the "If you aren't planning to look for a new job in the next year but we fire your sorry ass anyway, how many people would you take out as a disgruntled-ex-employee-gone-postal?" question?

  26. You'd never believe that HR takes these stupid things seriously but they do! One little slip of the old pencil and you're called to task on it. I had it happen to me once and I pleaded that I misunderstood the question. It was one of the Phew! moments I won't soon forget. Moral of the story is…Pay Fucking Attention when you're filling out these bullshit surveys.

  27. Eva Gallant says:

    We used to get surveys like that, too! I never trust that they are anonymous, because they probably can be traced back to your computer!

  28. Moooooog35 says:

    Wannabe: I can't shoot the messenger?You're no fun. AT. ALL.Sarah: You can't see it because I keep the top ones in a secret place.Christina: They'll never know it was me. I put a fake moustache on my monitor.Nipsy: I KNOW. RIGHT?Colby: HAHAHAHA. Honesty.You're funny.Cfoxes: We all pick 'hahaha.' I'm pretty sure.Don: Great. You're a beacon of light, you know that?Ziva: OMG SO TRUE.(Deleting email software now..)Coffey: You are my hero.Just kidding.Mrsblogalot: I know. They should just have one box for all questions that says 'WTF to all of the above.' BAM. Two seconds and done.Story of my life.Miss Spoken: It's next to 'puts bullet in head'Kellie: See? I am not alone.JenJen: I'm here for you.Just kidding. I'm here for everyone.But you especially.Just kidding.Daffy: ANONYMITY IS KEY TO LONGEVITY!!Wow. Those were two big words.I need a nap.Cervix: If my terminal were open to other people, I'm pretty sure the confessional would be WAY busier on Sundays.LB: No. It's not FedEx. Although I DO want to be the UPS Whiteboard guy.Nicky: I'll bring it to their attention, STAT.(that was for you, Cervix)Gruntilda: That's what you get for SIGNING YOUR NAME.You're silly.Eva: Especially when I sign them with the BLOOD OF INFIDELS!!Sorry.I get emotional.

  29. Kate says:

    This is genuis. I think I might actually love you – there I said it.Kate xx

  30. Dual Mom says:

    You better hope the Company doesn't find out you have those narly MS Paint skills … they may force you to use them…you know…for work stuff. Oh the horror…

  31. CatLadyLarew says:

    I checked HAHAHAHAHA! Love your screen shot there! Especially fetching with all the comments. Maybe you should just include that with the survey. I'm sure they'd give you a raise.

  32. Fucking hilarious. You have balls and I really appreciate that. So many people are so whipped by their jobs.

  33. Kernut says:

    ROTFLMFAO Moooooog35 – you are my hero! That is so f'n funny! Thank you for including the screen shots with accompanying notations – those really made it. I keep my cubicle job so I can work on my blog, read others funny blogs, and check my personal email, twitter, etc.

  34. I'm just glad it was not an email bomb and everyone is ok…

  35. Maxie says:

    Please start using Google Reader. Then you might actually have time to do real work.

  36. MsDarkstar says:

    I worked somewhere that sent out an employee survey like that, except it wasn't computerized and guess who had to tally it all up, BY HAND, and then put together the 75 page summary (which included typing out every stinking one of the HAND-WRITTEN comments on each of the over 500 surveys that were returned). I then got to copy and bind that badboy for all of management.I shudder remembering it.Worse are the pre-employment tests that have questions like "Which is the worst thing you could do to an employer? a)steal from them b)rape them c)murder themI mean, can someone explain to me what the hell the right answer is there?

  37. Jules says:

    STRONGLY AGREE!!!!

  38. Moooooog35 says:

    kate: Get in line, woman.Get in line.FYI – you're first!Cervix: I strongly agree.Get it?Dual Mom: Yes. Because so many graphic art departments use Microsoft Paint.Good call.CatLady: You're right. I should have included a link to this post.Living Shallow: The day that I'm whipped by my job is the day I become sole property of Mistress Whiplash.Can't. Wait.Kernut: Are you me?Malach: I shall shout that from the rooftops!!Bullcrap: So far, we've all survived.Not sure how.Maxie: You and your new-fangled technologies. Darkstar: Wasn't computerized? You did everything by hand?How old ARE you?Jules: * blushing

  39. kate says:

    Every time I go in for a quarterly review with my boss, she "strongly suggests" that I "limit my internet usage" in the office…which I obviously very much take to heart seeing as how I'm reading your blog at 8:30 in the morning instead of actually doing anything productive.Seriously, Employee of the Month material RIGHT HERE.

  40. shine says:

    When I read stuff like this, I think, "Self, it's really better to work at a small company so you never have to do things like take surveys about your job satisfaction."Then I think about how my boss slapped my ass while I was fixing the toilet the other day. Then I cry.THANKS.

  41. Elly Lou says:

    Like the frickin' census isn't enough forms for one year?

  42. Me-Me King says:

    Okay, you now owe me a 27" flat screen monitor to replace the piece o'shit I did have before shorting it out with the mocha latte I spewed all over it…thanks.BTW, I tried scrolling down on your screen shot to see if my blog was on the list, it didn't work.

  43. Who will get fire,here, i'm wondering!Came over from Studio30.I love your honesty and I 'd love if we would follow each other!Hope you're having a great day!Betty xx

  44. Thanks so much for the follow!I'm your brand new follower!:)Betty xx

  45. J says:

    Well I don't know the specifics of your job, but I would very much like to know what it is so I can also work there too and BS all day (hehehe). In the military we have to take these surveys too. They're supposed to survey our "mental health". Yea… I don't think any kind of corporation actually wants to know the real answer to that. I'm sure they PREFER you to lie.

  46. oh rodney, i have been away for far too long. this made me laugh out loud, as always. esp. loved the 'my boss is a tool' but you can't really say that, b/c your boss does let you do all of this non-work-related work and never busts your balls, right?

  47. I think I need to see that last graphic in pie-chart form.

  48. Your work computer screen shot of all your 'non work related items' like facebook, twitter & your blog totally CRACKED ME UP! And my answer is:HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

  49. MsDarkstar says:

    Oh, the office HAD computers but the powers that were felt that they needed paper surveys (so people could rest assured that they were anonymous and "be honest").And, I am "not QUITE as old as dirt", thanks for asking.

  50. I am a government employee – not a living soul has the cajones to send out a survey.

  51. I'm guessing every survey was marked with invisible ink. This weekend, they'll heat them up with a blow dryer, as opposed to heating them up with a blow job, and then fire anybody who's a fuck up. But I wouldn't worry about it. You were looking for a job when you found this one, right?

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