Mrs. Claire Page Needs My Help!!

Posted: March 15, 2010 in spam spam eggs and spam

I love spam.

Not the fake mutated pig stuff…although that’s really really good too.

Email spam.

I got this email the other day (click to enlarge):

From: INFO

I am Mrs Claire page i am sick in the hospital.

Please contact my lawyer.




For the record, I don’t know who the fuck Mrs. Claire Page is.

Wow. She really does look like she needs medical attention.

Should I…should I reply?



Here’s what I sent back:




Dear Mr. Landonwatson Barr,




I just got an email that Mrs. Claire Page is sick in the hospital and that I needed to contact you immediately! I have immediately dropped what I was doing (helping starving children in third world countries – FUCK YOU, Sally Struthers!) because of this situation.

Is she okay? Was it food poisoning? It was food poisoning, wasn’t it? I told Mrs. Claire Page over and over and over again that her love of those delicious enchiladas would be the end of her but did Mrs. Claire Page listen to me? Nooooooooooo. Of course not. Now Mrs. Claire Page has only one person to blame.

No, not herself. The guy who made the enchiladas.

Why don’t you ever just LISTEN to me Mr. Landonwatson Barr?

(Is it Landon Watson, or Landon Barr Watson (Landon is a KICK ASS name, by the way – kudos to you AND you’re a lawyer?! You must have whores EVERYWHERE. Please send one as starving children in third world countries are in DIRE need of unprotected sex with crack whores and by ‘third world countries’ I mean ‘me.’ Thank you in advance.))

Where was I?


Mrs. Claire Page!! How dost thoust I forget?! (olde English makes everything sound classy, am I right? Of COURSETH I am..eth.)

So, Mrs. Claire Page told me to contact you.

Am I in trouble? I’m just curious because there’s NO way you can pull fingerprints off an enchilada (been there, done that) although – to be honest with you – there MAY be some small traces of DNA in it (that ain’t sour cream, if you know what I’m saying, Landonwatson. And I think you do. *wink. Don’t act you’ve never had sex with Mexican food before).

In closing, let Mrs. Claire Page know that she’s in my thoughts and that I’m waiting with an anxious bosom for your return email. I know it’s anxious because my nipples get itchy. Doctor said it was a side effect of the Oxycontin but I seriously think it’s just my pecs getting antsy.

Talk to you soon Mr. Landonwatson Barr.

Yours in Christ,

Barack Obama

(I’m not the actual President, but I changed my name because I thought it would be cool to have as a white Republican – the prostitutes at the Republican National Convention are gonna LAUGH their asses off)


Sadly, I have not heard back.

I’m assuming Mr. Landonwatson Barr is busy taking care of Mrs. Claire Page’s estate.

Poor bitch.

  1. Jessica says:

    I think the e-mail came from your kids in the other room trying to extort money from you?

  2. Becky..AMHW says:

    I ate some enchiladas today and now I'm gonna take a Claire.

  3. TM says:

    hi friends .. I like this article very helpful for me,,,,

  4. Oh hell! I am so glad that I found your blog today. I needed some great fuckery to brighten my day!

  5. awesome! thanks for the laugh

  6. bikerchick says:

    Hilarious, dude! Laughed my ass-eth off. And there I have much ass-eth to give.

  7. Anonymous says:

    too bad you replied to the provided e-mail address. all you did was verify for the spammers that the address you used to send it is valid. expect to hear from lots more mrs. claire pages, i'm afraid.just got the same e-mail today. and did what i always do with spam: did a traceroute to find the server from which it was sent and complained to the ISP. and cc'd (which won't cause any action to be taken, but will enter the spam in to the u.s. gov database).next time, use arin whois and send it back to the source. that way we at least have a chance of stopping them.your post if very funny, however.

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