I love spam.
Not the fake mutated pig stuff…although that’s really really good too.
I got this email the other day (click to enlarge):
I am Mrs Claire page i am sick in the hospital.
Please contact my lawyer.
For the record, I don’t know who the fuck Mrs. Claire Page is.
Should I…should I reply?
Here’s what I sent back:
Dear Mr. Landonwatson Barr,
I just got an email that Mrs. Claire Page is sick in the hospital and that I needed to contact you immediately! I have immediately dropped what I was doing (helping starving children in third world countries – FUCK YOU, Sally Struthers!) because of this situation.
Is she okay? Was it food poisoning? It was food poisoning, wasn’t it? I told Mrs. Claire Page over and over and over again that her love of those delicious enchiladas would be the end of her but did Mrs. Claire Page listen to me? Nooooooooooo. Of course not. Now Mrs. Claire Page has only one person to blame.
No, not herself. The guy who made the enchiladas.
Why don’t you ever just LISTEN to me Mr. Landonwatson Barr?
(Is it Landon Watson, or Landon Barr Watson (Landon is a KICK ASS name, by the way – kudos to you AND you’re a lawyer?! You must have whores EVERYWHERE. Please send one as starving children in third world countries are in DIRE need of unprotected sex with crack whores and by ‘third world countries’ I mean ‘me.’ Thank you in advance.))
Where was I?
Mrs. Claire Page!! How dost thoust I forget?! (olde English makes everything sound classy, am I right? Of COURSETH I am..eth.)
So, Mrs. Claire Page told me to contact you.
Am I in trouble? I’m just curious because there’s NO way you can pull fingerprints off an enchilada (been there, done that) although – to be honest with you – there MAY be some small traces of DNA in it (that ain’t sour cream, if you know what I’m saying, Landonwatson. And I think you do. *wink. Don’t act coy..like you’ve never had sex with Mexican food before).
In closing, let Mrs. Claire Page know that she’s in my thoughts and that I’m waiting with an anxious bosom for your return email. I know it’s anxious because my nipples get itchy. Doctor said it was a side effect of the Oxycontin but I seriously think it’s just my pecs getting antsy.
Talk to you soon Mr. Landonwatson Barr.
Yours in Christ,
(I’m not the actual President, but I changed my name because I thought it would be cool to have as a white Republican – the prostitutes at the Republican National Convention are gonna LAUGH their asses off)
Sadly, I have not heard back.
I’m assuming Mr. Landonwatson Barr is busy taking care of Mrs. Claire Page’s estate.