Sciatica-ca

Posted: March 8, 2010 in pain and suffering


God is wreaking vengeance on my bowel movements.

Let me explain.

I found out this week that I had a badly herniated disc (that’s what she said….???…God I’m so high on pain killers – GO ME!) that required emergency surgery this past Saturday which appears to have worked but I really wish they would have let me keep my penis.

Oh. Nevermind. There it is.

* turns heat up in house

I found out I had a herniated disc mainly because I’ve had back pain that caused me “sciatica” which is apparently Latin for “YOU WILL FEEL LIKE YOUR TOES ARE BEING PULLED OUT OF YOUR RIGHT ASS CHEEK AND YOU WILL BEGIN PRAYING FOR THE INEVITABLE RELEASE OF SWEET SWEET DEATH.”

(loose translation)

If you don’t know what the sciatic nerve is, I’ve drawn you a picture:


When this nerve gets pinched by a bulging or herniated disk or someone checking out your ‘Special K’ diet, it causes a pain similar to what it must feel like for Matthew Broderick to open his eyes every morning and see what is sleeping next to him.

Oh the pain. The hideous, hideous pain.


(Please note that this pinching is much different when I pinch my other ‘nerve’ so I don’t ‘release my seeds’ too ‘goddamn soon wtf that was, like, 2 minutes Jesus Christ you’re not EVEN WORTH IT’ and ‘get yelled at’ or ‘shown the door, bitch’)

Now because of this searing pain, I can’t actually sit or stand or lie down or tie my shoes or make toast or make toast while lying down tying my shoes without screaming like a midget on his first day in the general population of a prison filled with gay level-3 sex offending porn stars suffering from elephantitus of the penis and overly sharp genital warts.

But the WORST part?

Pooping.

You knew that was coming. Admit it.

With sciatica it’s virtually IMPOSSIBLE to get comfortable sitting down which is usually required for pooping unless you’re in Europe or in a gas station restroom.


This is because your leg feels like it’s going to literally pop off and shoot across the room and next thing you know the dog is playing with it and OMG OMG WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT TO MY LEG.

It’s bad enough when they bang your leg when it’s attached. But once it falls off due to sciatica it just looks creepy.

Let me do this visually for you.

HOW TO TRY TO POOP WITH SCIATICA:

#1: Single Leg Stretch Sciatica Pooping

This is where you somehow manage to get your pants down but since you can’t actually BEND your leg you’re forced to stretch the problem leg STRAIGHT OUT in front of you which is not conducive to ANY type of effective bowel release and since you’re now completely off balance you have to brace yourself with one hand on the back of the toilet to keep yourself from falling.


However..since you can only stay in one position for 12 seconds..you must now try:

#2: Motorcycle Sciatica Pooping

Option #2 is only available if you have a wall directly in front of you that’s close enough to lean to, but not so far away that you run the risk of falling forward and thusly shitting all over yourself which, honestly, you’re doing anyway because there’s NO WAY IN HELL you can get your ass cheeks apart if your legs are flailed in different angles like you’re the main attraction at Cirque de Soleil.

For Option #2, you sit on the toilet and throw your feet BEHIND you while simultaneously brace yourself on the wall in front of you.

Like you’re riding a motorcycle.

The worst. Motorcycle. Ever.


This position lasts all of a minute when you realize you’ve just shit all over the toilet tank and now YOU’RE FUCKING KIDDING ME MY CALF IS TWITCHING?! REALLY?!

So you must consider:

#3: Flashdance Sciatica Pooping

Flashdance Sciatica Pooping (FSP) is a more advanced form of Single Leg Sciatica Pooping (SLSP) so proceed with extreme caution and maybe fill out some sort of waiver or some shit.

You basically throw BOTH legs out in front of you and lean back as far as you can like that chick in the movie “Flashdance” but instead of being all sexy in tights and legwarmers (optional) and having water splash down on you you’re pretty much just trying to take a shit without screaming.


Now that you’ve mastered these techniques you realize that you’ve now spent a total of 15 minutes in the bathroom hemming and hawing and have pooped a little Corn Pop sized turd and now you have to try to somehow WIPE YOUR ASS which is a whole other post entirely.

Let’s suffice it to say that the easiest sciatica poo-wiping method is just a one-legged-Flashdance-motorcycle FIASCO.

Sciatica: Taking the fun out of pooping since the Latin people invented it.

Moog out.

Moog painfully out.

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