The Handicapable Asshole

Posted: March 2, 2010 in I'm an asshole, mental poo looza, work


Like the title of this post comes as news to anyone.

Shocker.

No..not that the title is actually shocking…

…I was just thinking of stinking my pinky in someone’s bum.

My mind…

…it wanders, sometimes.


Where was I?

Oh, yeah.

I’m a complete and utter asshole.

And all the colored girls say, “duh.”

I never understood that line in the song.

Whatever.


I had come out of the gym and into the locker room the other day, all set to take my shower.

There, standing in front of me, was one of my coworkers, Randy.

No – it wasn’t my boss and I didn’t see his testicles.

This time.

That came earlier in the day when I had my ‘review.’

I’ve digressed.

Randy was standing there in a towel…waiting.

Randy: “There’s a line for the showers.”

Shit.

I suppose I shall have to continue standing here in my glistening muscly sweatitude while normally straight men try to keep their hands from groping me uncontrollably.

It’s my cross to bear.

I deal with it.


Five minutes later…we’re still both there waiting for the showers.

FIVE AWKWARD SEMI-HOMO-EROTIC-TOWEL-WEARING MINUTES and not a single person has come out.

I hate waiting.

So…

Did I continue to sit and wait patiently?

HELL no.

Remember:

I’m an asshole.

Instead…

I went around the corner and flushed every single toilet in the locker room (two).

Not. Enough.

I then went to every faucet and turned the hot water on full blast.

There.

That should do it.

Fuckwads.


By the time I’d gone back into the shower area, I had successfully cold-water blasted one of those ignorant showering asshats out.

I’m awesome.

So, of course…

Randy immediately took the one open stall.

Ugh.

Mother of all that is anal and flowery!

When do I get to shower?!

(The Flowery Anal Mothers would be a great name for a rock band)


(yes…it made it onto the shirt!)

So, I peered down at the handicap shower stall…then walked down to it.

The curtain was closed.

But the shower wasn’t on.

So I used it.


Yes.

I used the handicap shower.

On a related note:

Sitting down in the shower is a fucking blast.

Cripples are SO lucky.

Hey…the ‘no leg‘ thing totally sucks…don’t get me wrong here.

But as far as shower privileges go they have it made.

Seats.

Bars to hold onto.

Little massaging shower head thingy.

It’s like attending Mardi Gras but you need a wheelchair to qualify for the parade.

I’ve gone off topic.


By the time I got out of the shower, Randy was drying off.

Me: “Hey…Randy..you know…the handicapped stall was open the whole time.”

Randy: “What?”

Me: “Yeah. I just used it.”

Randy: “You know, I saw the curtain was closed and figured someone was using it.”

Me: “Yeah…but even if someone was using it…it’s the HANDICAP stall. Just drag the friggin’ guy out and take your shower.”

That was my line.

Just drag the friggin’ handicapped guy out and take your shower.

Yep.

I’m an asshole.

But I’m a sparkly clean muscly one.

Don’t hate.

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