Fatty Goes Uphill Both Ways

Posted: February 18, 2010 in kids, pain and suffering, parenting, school


I’m going to park a mile away just so they know how it feels.

Let me explain.

My kids take the bus to school.

I go to the bus stop and I wait with them.

This is easy…

…because the bus stop is at the end of my driveway.

Yes.

The end.

Of my.

Driveway.

Yes. I’m jealous.

Why am I jealous?

Let’s compare MY walk to the bus with theirs:

Here’s the shitfuck walkathon bullshit that I had to walk (click to enlarge):


JESUS H. CHRIST.

Seriously. That’s fucking far.

If you look really really closely, you can see Moses leading his people to the fucking bus.

I’m no mathematician, but if you multiply the length of that walk times the 1,000 foot bar thingy in the corner, you come up with a distance of OH MY GOD ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

Every day.

Before school and after.

I had to walk that fucking walk.

Seriously – there’s like an entire year out of my life I spent walking to the goddamn bus.

What you DON’T see here are two things:

1) I was a giant fat piece of shit so, you know, cardio for me was defined as getting up from the dinner table and

2) THERE WERE HILLS

Let’s look at a cross section of this walk so you can get a better idea of what I was up against (click to enlarge).


Yes.

There was a Yeti.

I think his name was Brian.

Freaky kid. Whatever.

The REALLY fun part was being 80% there and then OH FUCK OH FUCK THE BUS IS HERE and you start running your fat ass down the hill while screaming “STOP THE BUS! STOP THE BUS!” and even though your friend Scott turns around and FUCKING LOOKS at you he does NOT tell the bus driver that your 200 pound fat ass is barreling down the hill and then FWOOOMP! the doors shut and the bus drives away and now you have to walk ALL THE WAY back even though you feel like you’re having fucking cardiac arrest at age 13 and, you know, now that I’m thinking about it I should probably re-energize with one of these Devil Dogs.

Fucking Scott.

What an ASSHOLE.


OK.

For comparison, now…

Let’s see my kids’ walk to the bus:


Unfuckingreal.

If that was MY walk, I’d have a full extra 29-1/2 minutes to eat more Twinkies.

..or run from Yeti’s.

Seriously. Kid was FREAKY.

Moog out.

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