Panning for Golden Showers

Posted: February 8, 2010 in bathroom, wtf


..and that’s why I’m not allowed in the men’s room at work ever again.

Perhaps I shall back up.

I walked into the men’s room the other day to pee.

This in and of itself is not news, as I AM human.

Plus they don’t let me pee at my desk anymore since the whole ‘ruined the recycling bin’ incident.

Whatever.

I stepped up to the urinal and prepared to release Mr. Wiggly.

I mean, um, THOR.

YES! I PREPARED TO UNLEASH THOR THE WONDER SNAKE!

Much more threatening.

Oooh! I have goosebumps! You?

I’ve digressed.


Regardless…

As I looked down into the urinal…I saw something…

Different.

Amidst the normal little pink urinal cakes (FYI, pink is THE best flavor)…were THESE:

(click to enlarge..the blurriness is my sucky fucking Verizon piece-of-shit-I-guess-you-get-what-you-pay-for-when-the-camera-is-free fucking camera phone)


?!?!

There are nickel-sized, like, rocks or some shit in the urinals.

The fuck are these things?

I first start thinking that HOLY SHIT THESE ARE FUCKING KIDNEY STONES and now I’m picturing some poor bastard who eats too much cheese saddling his fat ass up to the urinal and squeezing boulders out his urethra but then I’m, like, ‘Well..I probably would have heard the guy screaming like it was his first night showering in prison or maybe the things PING PANG PWOOONNG! ricocheting off the porcelain or something’ so I went with guess number two:

GEMS.

YES! They are precious gemstones from the mythical land Urinasia brought by tiny little fairies that reek of the insides of nursing homes ESPECIALLY that creepy old lady that they stick in a chair at the end of the hall who keeps sticking her tongue out when you walk by and is just going “BLOO BLOO BLOO BLOO” and you’re all like, ‘fuck this shit, I really hope I die before I end up turning into piss-stink-tongue-grandma.’

Fucking nursing homes.

Seriously. Put a fucking bullet in my head first, please.


Where was I?

Oh..Fairy Imported Urinasia Precious Urinal Gemstones.

Then I realized that I was about to piss myself because I’d been standing there for ten minutes thinking of writing these stupid paragraphs, plus I didn’t have one of those mining things to pan them out of there.

So I pissed on them instead.

When in Rome…um..pee on..uh…weird urinal rock things.


Then I put Mr. Wig..then I reeled in Thor the Wonder Snake, stood back…

..and took those pictures you see above.

And it was on or around this EXACT moment in time that – even though I’d been marveling at these kidney-piss fairy-gems in here for ten minutes…

…that someone walked in.

Our eyes meet.

And there I am.

Shitty fucking Verizon camera phone in hand.

Taking pictures of the inside of the urinals.

How. Awesome.

You know…

Shit like this wouldn’t happen if they’d just give me back my recycling bin at my desk.

I bet I could trade one of these gems for one.

I might not need this mining pan after all.

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