Jamaican Ding Dongs

Posted: February 2, 2010 in I'm an asshole, kids, kids are fun to lie to, parenting

I’ve really honed this down to an art form.

No..not masturbation.

I hit that baby out of the park YEARS ago.

I’m talking about lying to my kids.


It’s what I live for.

Two examples that happened in THE SAME MORNING in my car driving the kids to school:


I’m an asshole.

Like that’s news to you people.


Welcome to Fantasy Island

I received a call the night before from out local police station asking for their yearly ‘benevolent fund’ donation.

I have not a single fucking clue what a ‘benevolent fund’ is but since it sounds like “been in violent fun,” I don’t argue with these people.

So I threw $20 in unmarked bills as per their instructions into an envelope and taped it to the front door along with my social security card and birth certificate.

These benevolent people are sticklers.


So, with the kids in the car, I started backing out of the driveway.

Cam (6 yrs old): “Dad..what’s that envelope on the front door?”

Me: “That’s money for the police.”

Light. Bulb. Goes. Off.

Me: “We have to pay them once a year to keep you kids. Otherwise, they take you away.”

Cam: “Really?”

Me: “Yep. You have to pay to keep your kids. Otherwise, they put the kids in jail until they find a home that CAN pay for them. What’s cool, though, is that you get to see what a jail looks like from the inside. They have steel toilets and…”

Payton (9 yrs old): “NO THEY DON’T!”

Me: “Yes. They do. It happened to me. That’s how I ended up with your grandmother.”

* pause

Me: “My original family couldn’t pay the money. I’m really from Jamaica.”






Ding-Dong You’re Both Ding Dongs

About 2 minutes after I told them that the Jamaican story was bullshit, we pulled into their school.

As I opened my door, the ‘your lights are on’ chime in my car started going off.

* ding dong

* ding dong

Cam: “What’s that noise?”

Me: “That’s just an alarm to remind me that you two are in the car. See? (I point to her) Ding dong..(I point to him) ding dong. Two ding dongs. If only one of you were in the car, I’d just get the one ding dong.”

I see them both thinking.

Payton: “So..what does it do, like, SCAN the inside of the car?”

As she’s asking, she’s making her hands do this invisible ‘scanning’ motion.


I fucking LOVE doing this.

Me: “Just kidding. It just told me that I left my lights on.”


Will I stop doing this?

Probably not, Cam.

Probably not.

WAY too much fun.


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