No Sooner a Nooner than an Afternooner is a Goner

Posted: January 19, 2010 in sex, wife


Hold on one second.

I’m admiring this title.

Sometimes I’m brilliant.

On a related note:

This is not one of those times.

This post falls under the category of another ‘My Wife – She Taunts Me’ article.

For other versions of this, feel free to click here and here.

Don’t worry..this one doesn’t have Rachael Ray in it.

Thank God.


My wife, being a teacher, had a few days over the summer where she was alone.

Alone at home.

Alone at home without the kids.

* boing

You see where I’m going with this, right?

If so, let me know…the whole ‘Rachael Ray’ thing made my brain throw up.

I mean, hot…kinda…but she opens her mouth and all you want to do is punch her in the throat.

So where was I?

Oh yeah.

Nooners.


So, obviously, with me being a guy and having a penis and thinking about sex every seven seconds and OMG OMG I love Scarlett Johansson’s boobs and the hot redhead on the first floor wore a skirt today with hooker boots and great now I have to go masturbate.

(20 seconds later)

Okay..so with my wife being home alone, and a mere 7 miles away from my work…

I figured I’d shoot her up for a ‘nooner.’

Afternoon Delight, if you will.

..or..in my case…

Ten Seconds to Love.

I’m pathetic.


So, the first day my wife was home…I sent this email:

******************

To: Mrs. Moog
From: Mr. Moog

Nooner?

******************

That’s it.

Just a simple ‘nooner?’ request.

Then I sent it.

About 5 minutes later I get a phone call from her.

I figure she’s taking me up on this.

Me: “Heeeeeey.”

(I’m Fonzie)

Me: “You ready for your nooner?”

Wife: “Ugh. REALLY? I get ONE day all to myself. Just leave me alone.”

Um…

I’m guessing that’s a ‘not today, my love.’


In her defense, I really really suck.

But a week or so later…

BAM!

Another nooner opportunity arises!

Wife home..no kids.

Let’s give this another shot.

The email goes out (I save them in ‘Drafts’ for just such emergencies):

******************

To:
Mrs. Moog
From: Mr. Moog

Nooner?

******************

And I wait.

5 minutes later…

No phone call.

1/2 hour later…

No phone call.

No return email, either.

Nothing.

She just…

IGNORED ME.

Jesus H. Christ.

WTF.

If Seinfeld had a Nooner Nazi I’d be the guy in line saying ‘Oh..oh…that nooner looks good…can I have that with a BJ, too? Oh..wait…maybe we’ll just skip the foreplay since I’m on lunch break..’ and he’d be all stern and angry and slamming his nooner spatulas and screaming “NO NOONER FOR YOU!!”


0-for-2.

So, the last time my wife was home alone for the summer without kids, I didn’t even bother.

I didn’t even mention it.

But she did.

I get home and get…

THIS:

Wife: “I was going to email you today to see if you wanted a nooner.”

* blink

Me: “REALLY?!”

Wife: “Then I realized that it was 12:15 so it was already too late.”

Then she laughed.

I laughed, too.

She’s really pretty funny.

But yeah…my wife…

She taunts me.

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