Whammy Bar

Posted: January 12, 2010 in kids, parenting


Today, another episode in the Mental Poo “How To” series.

For previous “how to” articles check out:

1) How to Make an X-Rated Toy

2) How to make a Hot dog

3) How to Scare a Celebrity

I should combine those and make a post called:

“How to Scare a Celebrity with an X-Rated Hot Dog.”

Although, I think Tommy Lee pretty much covered that.


Today’s How to:

How to Be an Expert at Guitar Hero

So…

You want to be an expert at Guitar Hero?

I have ONE thing to say to you:

Loser.

Seriously.

That’s your fucking goal in life?

Christ, dude…

Get a friggin’ job.


(Don’t yell at me…that’s not one of my posters. I’m SO mad at myself for not thinking of it first!)

Oh.

You don’t want to be an expert at Guitar Hero?

Well…shut up and listen anyway.

Because I’ve UNLOCKED the hidden secret to becoming a GUITAR HERO LEGEND!

You know…an ‘echo’ sound effect would have been really really cool right there.

Maybe I’ll shout that into Pam Anderson’s vagina.

Vagina…vagina…vagina..vagina...

There.

That’s better.


Where was I?

Oh..yeah..

I’ve unlocked the secret of becoming an expert at Guitar Hero.

Actually…

My son has.

He’s 6.

What’s his secret?

Sit right there, my little Thai prostitute who looks mysteriously similar to Rob Schneider, and I’ll tell you.


I was in the bathroom the other day, getting my son ready for his shower.

Me: “Go pee before you get in.”

This step is important at this stage of his life, as I’m trying to keep him from getting into the ‘peeing in the shower habit’ that all men have.

Yes, ladies.

All men pee in the shower.

We also do all kinds of other crazy shit in there, too.

Once that water hits us, it’s like a fireworks festival in a carnival of bodily fluids.

Boogers…urine…spit…Mountain Dew…sperm…duck sauce…

You name it, it’s EVERYWHERE.

This is specifically why I own flip flops.

Listen…

Just cuz I do it doesn’t mean I want to walk around in that shit.

I’ve digressed.


So, my son finishes peeing and goes to do his ‘after pee tap.’

For you women, the ‘after pee tap’ is a requirement for guys who don’t want to get drops of residual piss on their feet and/or small house pets.

If you don’t tap, guys, I feel bad for your cat and podiatrist.

So my son finished and was ready for his ‘tap.’

But he didn’t tap.

Instead, my son grabbed his penis and…

…while pulling on the end of it with one hand…

…took his other hand and began…

STRUMMING it.

* fling bbbrinng floongoing *

Note: It did not actually make that sound…if it DID, we’d be on “America’s Got Talent” by now.

You can’t deny THAT, Hasselhoff!


Me: “Dude. What are you doing? Just tap it. It’s not a guitar.”

His eyes. Light. Up.

He stops, turns…

…looks at me while still holding his wiggly guitar…

…and decides to play me a tune on his penis:

Cam: “Bloooiinnng bbbringg..fllloiinnng…joownnggg”

Excellent.

I’m so proud.

This penis guitar solo continued while he was in the shower as well.


Please note that he takes a shower in a different bathroom than mine.

I wouldn’t let my kids walk around in the DNA cesspool known as my shower floor.

I know what’s been done in there.

No need for them to be tested for STD’s this early in life.

Regardless…

He later, unfortunately, also decided it would be funny to show this talent to my wife.

She was not amused.

She usually isn’t when there is a penis involved, but that’s primarily my problem.


So guys…want to be better at Guitar Hero?

Then take it from my son:

Pratice playing guitar with your penis in the shower.

Just remember to wear flip flops.

You know what you’ve done.

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