Tis the Season – You are a Dick

Posted: December 21, 2009 in I'm an asshole, spam spam eggs and spam


“Woe to you, oh earth and sea
For the Devil sends the beast with wrath
Because he knows the time is short
Let him who hath understanding
Reckon the number of the beast
For it is a human number
Its number is six hundred and sixty six”

– Iron Maiden

Woe to you, oh you stupid, stupid fuckshit
For the Midget Man of Steel sends the beast with wrath
Because he is short (hereditary)
Let him who hath Internet Access and maybe a Facebook account
Reckon the number of the breast (boobies = funny)
For it is a human member (see what I did there?)
Its number is Moooooog35

– Midget Man of Steel

**************************

Forgive him, father…he knows not what he does.

Also, father…get off of me.

Seriously, I’m not 8 any more.

I’ve digressed.

I got hate mail the other day.

Yes, me.

Offender of NO ONE.

On a related note:

Sometimes I make myself laugh.

I got something from this blog/social network/advertising site that I had a new ad from a site (someone who wanted to be shown on my site) that was pending approval.

When I went to check it out, I saw..

THIS:


Fine. Writing. About. Dogs.

HOW RELEVANT!!

Notsomuch.

I immediately rejected it without even looking at it any further.

I have shit to do.

Seriously.

This porn isn’t gonna watch itself.


Regardless, two seconds later (literally)

..I get this email:

************************

From: Rich Sands

To: midgetmanofsteel@yahoo.com

Subject: You are a dick

Hey fuckface – Before you reject ads as “not relevant” look at the fucking site.

My site is all original writing, most of it humorous, about dogs.

Why don’t you read a little and learn something about being funny. That you’re a short, premature ejaculating, junk shaving, serial shitting, little loser, does not make you funny.

It makes you sad, so I was flipping a few EC’s to your shitty site to encourage your pathetic ass so maybe you wouldn’t take your own life.

Thanks for saving me the trouble, you fucking dick sucker! Kill your family, then kill yourself.

Love,

Rich

************************

Wow, dude.

Prozac much?


I mean…

..it’s not the first time I’ve heard something like that.

But usually it’s after I ask something like:

“Are you sure that it’s mine?”

Hormones make women CRAZY.

Whatever.

I sent him this response:

************************

From: midgetmanofsteel@yahoo.com

To: Rich Sands

Subject: Re: You are a dick

“You sound nice.”

************************

Then I waited for another response.

I waited and waited and waited and it never came.

(I have the exact opposite problem)


So I decided to check it out his website, then came up with another response which is STILL sitting in the “drafts” folder of my email.

Here it is:

************************

Dude,

FYI – just checked your site.

HILARIOUSLY funny. You’re right. I’ve never known true comedy until I’ve seen your writing.

How can 14 followers and one commenter be wrong?

I KNOW. That’s what I was thinking, too.

************************

But I never sent it.


Because, is this guy for real?

Is he seriously pissed, kidding around, or just looking for traffic?

I almost didn’t write THIS post, because why give the guy exposure, right?

I sent this to Lilu for her opinion, who then just asked:

“I really, really just want to know what he means by “serial shitting”.”

Way to focus there, Lilu.

But then I figured:

FUCK IT. LET’S ROAST THIS ASSHOLE.

The last time I did this, I got some awesome backup and bitchin’ responses from you guys.

So….

You in?

Good. Let’s go.


From his email:

“My site is all original writing, most of it humorous, about dogs.”

Okay, Rich. Gotcha.

Let’s see here…let’s find some good funny dog material..

“I have a bone to pick with the vet. Ordinarily, I enjoy picking bones (I am, lest you forget, a dog)”

What the fuck? You’re a fucking dog?

OH. You’re writing your posts AS a dog.

You, sir, are GENIUS.

GENIUS!

This will be like reading Marmaduke but in much longer, blog post form.

What will Marmaduke do next?! OMG OMG OMG I can’t wait to find out!

Marmaduke be crazy.


“When that deranged vet says that I’m overweight, he’s just demonstrating his ignorance. What he calls, “overweight,” I call, “famine-proof.” A smart dog like me knows trouble often lurks right around the corner. With an extra 10% or so bodyweight, I will be able to face that trouble head on, without crippling hunger thwarting my ability to plan and think clearly.”

Sides. Hurt. So badly.

Dude.

How you are relegated to a life as a pet/sitter dog walker (reach for the stars, they say) and not doing stand-up or starring in Rob Schneider movies is a mystery for the ages.

Serial shitting. Seriously.

Explain that to us.

Sorry. Just kind of driving me nuts.


Then I got bored and stopped looking at his site because, honestly, if I want to read funny things about dogs I’ll instead stick a knife in my eye socket because I just realized that apparently I’m a guy who likes to read funny things about dogs.

So, instead, I immediately started following him on Twitter and then sent him a ‘friend request’ on Facebook and then became a follower of his blog and convinced two other people to do the exact same thing.

Yeah.

I guess I am kind of a dick.

Huh. Guy was right the whole time.

Go figure.

You wanna play?

Of COURSE you do.

Here’s Rich’s site:

Website: From the Den of the Dog

Enjoy.

Oh…by the way. He has his phone number on his website.

Not that I’d condone any of that. Or anything else for that matter.*

* legal disclaimer

Thanks for the post idea, Rich.

Love,

Moooooog35

*******************

UPDATE:

Like, literally, two minutes AFTER I finished this fucking post but BEFORE I posted it, this guy Rich sent me..

..wait for it..

AN APOLOGY.

AWFUCK.

And it wasn’t just like an, “I’m sorry” apology it was like a “I’m really sorry and I’m fucked up and people around me are dying or crippled or are dying from being crippled” and I’m all, like, ‘OH COME ON!’


So, yeah, I felt bad and almost didn’t put this up. But, honestly, I was really fucking PISSED so – believe it or not – I actually TONED THIS POST WAY DOWN and removed a bunch of his contact info prior to posting because when you’re fucked up and surrounded by crippled dying people I can see how you can be mean.

To see Rich’s actual apology email to me AND my reply to him about why I was still posting this, click here.

Am I a dick for still posting this?

Yep.

Probably.

But he started it (I’m 5). And I still don’t know if he is playing me.

If you want to still berate this guy after that, have at it. Trust me…he’s waiting for it.

But maybe be a little gentle about it.

This guy has enough fucking issues.

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